Long Time

It's been a while since I posted anything, haven't really felt like posting. Some days I think it's getting easier then a memory comes flooding back or a smell hits me or a song on the radio and all the grief and pain come surging back. I have stopped crying uncontrollably, now it's just quiet sobbing and sometimes it's just the lump in my throat and tears rolling down my cheeks. I find myself feeling angrier than I think I should. And it's the simplest things that set me off and I've even snapped at strangers for no apparent reason or for reasons that would have never set me off before. Although this blog has helped me with some very deep and private feelings I think it's time to talk to a professional. I can't continue to feel this anger, although it's supposed to be a "stage" of the grieving process I just need to be reassured that I'm not too angry and I would really like to know how long this is supposed to last and what will the next stage be and how long is it going to be before I can feel somewhat "normal". I'll let you know what happens..... vicki lee

30 days

So yesterday was the 30 day mark.... he's been gone for one whole month, it feels like yesterday and I keep waiting for him to call me or come in the front door. I thank heaven for my friends, I thought they would have all slowly dropped off of the contact wagon by now but there are some that are still there. I've gone through my "first" Thanksgiving without him, my "first" anniversary without him and now I will be going through my "first" Christmas and New Year. I can remember a time when I used to look forward to my "firsts".... now I dread them.

Bad timing

So, it's winter and, although I dislike the word hate, I HATE the winter. I am stuck in the house or my office, no sunshine, no fresh air, no birds. Winter on top of this empty black hole I feel looming in my heart and mind, I am not a very happy girl. Now lets throw in Christmas and happy songs, and people saying Merry this and Happy that, I'm just not sure how much more I will be able to take before I just blow a gasket!!! I'm not sleeping again, waking up 2-3 times feeling for him in the bed, or getting up looking for him in the living room or bathroom. I believe in God and I pray for Him to give me solace and peace but the only thing I know for sure is God does not have the best timing. I know it's his timing and we are supposed to be joyful about what we get when we get it but really God, this is not just bad timing, it seems like cruel and unusual punishment...... vicki lee

What do I do!

Well this coming Sunday would have been our 29th wedding anniversary... have already made some arrangements to go somewhere in the evening but not looking forward to being in the house or alone!! What I would like to do is curl up in a ball, on the end of my couch, in my bathrobe and slippers. No phone calls, no internet, no texting, no TV, just me a box of tissues and 10 gallons of ice cream!! I had no idea it would be this hard, I keep asking myself over and over again, what do I do about the house, the truck, the bike, the bills, my life..... vicki lee

It's over

On Tuesday, November 16, 2010 at 8:10am I lost my best friend in the whole world. He took 3 final breaths and let the angels take him to heaven to be with the family that has gone on before him. I keep questioning myself, did I tell him enough that I loved him, did he know how much I appreciated the little things he did, did I take him for granted, did he know what an impact he had on my life? This list could go on for days, the one thing I know for sure is that I loved him more than anything in this universe. I would have given him anything, done anything, said anything, sacrificed anything for him. If he wanted to sell everything and live in a box I would have gone with him, I would have sold my soul to keep him near me.... I will miss watching him breathe at 2 o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep, the way he made me laugh, his quirky way of doing things, his grilled cheese sandwiches, Sunday morning breakfasts and Saturday night favorite TV shows. I'll never again feel his strong arms around my waist or his sweet breath on my neck, never again hold his huge hands or be able to rub the back of his neck the way he liked. The ache I feel in my heart is unlike any other ache I've ever felt, I've felt the disappointing ache a mother feels when her child lets her down but this is different, this feels like a never ending, chest crushing ache that takes my breath away when I think of living without him. I know I have to go on, I have children and grand children but this ache, this ache..... will it ever end? vicki lee

Family

When a person has cancer it doesn't only affect that person's spouse or significant other, it affects their entire family.... children, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews etc, etc. The best thing the sick person's family can do is be supportive of their spouse. I thought I had their love and support until my "meltdown"!! Now I have this person coming in and out of my house totally disrespecting me, I mean there isn't so much as a glance in my direction let alone a greeting (civil or otherwise). The worse thing is I just want to tell him to get the hell out of my house, but I'm not like that!! The thing is, in the 30 years we have been together, NO ONE knows what my husband and I have been through, talked about, laughed about, cried about, discussed or decided and even though his illness and certain death is hard on everyone, it is hardest on ME!!! The only thing I need right now is people to just be there. I know some of them think that I don't like having them around all the time or all of them at once but I don't mind because when everyone is gone it's just me, watching him slowly fade away.... CANCER SUCKS!!! vicki lee

Meltdown!!

I know it's been a while since I blogged anything but I have been totally wrapped up in getting him settled in and learning all about Hospice!! Back to getting someone to sit with him day and night if I'm not there, and learning to let other people help me. Had a major meltdown yesterday, after telling him for the 3rd time that the doctor has stopped all treatments and he is very, very sick.... he looked me straight in the face and said "You did this to me, this is all your fault." Then when our son said 'dad you don't mean that', he looked him straight in the face and said "You are not my son, stop calling me dad!" Then my son lost it and had to leave the house!!! To top off the rest of my meltdown day, his family starts showing up and he is all happy and sitting up in the wheelchair and drinking a beer and eating hamburgers and talking to everyone! Now THAT just sent me over the deep end. I was ready to move out of my house and let his family move in and take care of him, or move him into his brother's house and let them take care of him there. Then the more I thought about it the more I could hear God's voice saying to me.... I have given you very broad shoulders and now I'm giving you permission to show that you are not a super human and you have to get rid of your pride and start asking for and accepting help, you are my child and I will get you through this, he will be with Me in heaven and then it will be my turn to take care of him... vicki lee

Friends

They say that you never know how many "friends" you have until you come into money or have a crisis! Well, there is still no money but I know exactly how blessed we truly are. After my entry yesterday my house, phone and email were full of prayers, kind words and special thoughts from our friends. I know how important they all are and how they are going to help me through this process... thank you, you will never know how very much it means to me to know you are there! vicki lee

Doctor visit

This morning the doctor ordered Hospice care for him.... he says it is getting close to the end! Didn't really need a doctor's degree to tell me that, I live with him, I see it every day, I'm the one watching this process happen right before my eyes. Sold his HD this past weekend, what a horrible thing that was. We were going to go on trips together, rides the bikes as far as we could for about 2 days, spend a day where ever we ended up then ride them back home in 2 days. His family thinks I want to sell it because I want the money but they really have no idea how hard this is on me as well. All of our plans for the future are gone, there is no future, it's gone, our dreams, our plans, all of it!! vicki lee

Yellow Roses

Haven't posted in a couple of days, been really busy, took a 2 day computer class and was too tired to get on the computer afterwards. So yesterday when I got home he was awake and dressed and watching the news! I reminded him that his niece was coming over with dinner (she started doing this on Thursdays a few weeks ago so she could spend some time with him every week, sweet girl). Said he remembered and was looking forward to seeing her, then he says "Did you like the flowers I sent you?" Whaa??? "I sent you flowers today to your office, did you like them?" Honey I wasn't in my office today I was in a computer class besides, you didn't really send me flowers, you never send me flowers, you haven't sent me flowers for years, you always said they were too expensive, I haven't gotten flowers since our 25th wedding anniversary which was 4 years ago!! "I'm telling you I sent you flowers to your office today, I just forgot you weren't going to be there." Right, we'll see tomorrow, it's okay if you didn't and you thought you did, it was sweet of you to think about me. So this morning when I walked into my office, there on my desk, sits a vase, with 12 of the most beautiful yellow roses I've seen in a long, long time!! The card simply reads "I Love You" ! Makes all my sleepless nights and exhaustion seem a little easier to cope with..... vicki lee

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

He's had no pain meds all day so I ask how's his pain level and he says he is a little uncomfortable so he takes 1/2 of a pain pill. He sits down in the recliner and within 10 minutes he is sound asleep, such is my life!! After about 2 -1/2 hours he wakes up and wants to know where the saucer is he had on his lap. There was no saucer on your lap it was the cat and she just now jumped down. "Vic, where is the saucer that was just here on my leg?" There was no saucer, "Yes there was, where is the cake and ice cream that you were just eating?" HUH!?!?! I didn't have any cake or ice cream, there isn't any of either one in the whole house! "Fine, if you don't want to share that's fine." So now he is pissed because he thinks I'm eating cake and ice cream while he is asleep. So he goes back to sleep and about an hour later he is awake and wanting to know when I'm going to give him his wallet back. I haven't had your wallet in almost a month, "Yes you do have it and I want it back!" Bernie it's in the back bedroom on the dresser, go see for yourself, "Don't think I won't go and check..." I don't give a rat's ass if you go check!! Now it's 9pm time for his evening meds. Bern do you want to take anymore pain pills before you go to bed? "I don't know, what do you think?" I think they make you have weird dreams and I wish you wouldn't take them anymore. "Fine, if you are going to be a bitch about it and just keep bitching at me then I won't take anymore, I'll just be in pain all the time!" Someone tell me quick, is this all a part of the process, is this ever going to end, will I ever get to sleep, how much longer am I going to be a bitch, what is the prison sentence in this state for justifiable homicide?? vicki lee

I Give Up!!

WTF!!! He obsesses' over the pain pills then when we talk about going off of them or modifying how many and when he takes them he just says, 'I'm not in pain I don't need them'!!! He hasn't been to sleep longer than 1-1/2 hours for almost 24 hours now, and neither have I (again). I'm just so tired.... tired from no sleep, tired of him being sick, tired of doctors and hospitals, tired of his family not trusting me, tired of him being depressed. I'm so tired and focused on him that I actually forgot my middle grandchild's birthday! Now how damn sad is that, my life wasn't supposed to be like this, we were supposed to be set for money, travel more, spend more time with the grand babies, go to more motorcycle rallies. CANCER SUCKS!!! vicki lee

Giving up

He is just giving up!!! He won't even try to get out of the damn recliner, won't go for a walk, won't do his physical therapy exercises, won't fix anything to eat for himself!! I am so angry at him, I can't believe that he is giving up.... I know he's tired of fighting and I know he's still having some pain issues but damn, get off your butt and fight this damn thing! Do I want him to fight for himself or for me? What the hell do I tell his brothers, if I tell them about him not wanting to do anything it's just going to be me being the nagging bitch. I can just hear them now, well maybe it's okay to just let him rest!! Get off your ass and fight I'm not ready to let you go and give up.... vicki lee

It's time

2:30 am, he's up, dressed, coat out of the closet and sitting in his recliner ready to go. The lights in the hall, both bathrooms and kitchen are on, no wonder I can't sleep!! Bernie why are you up it's only 2:30 in the morning? "Oh it is? I thought it was time to go. I guess I can go back to sleep." GREAT!!! Now if only I can go back to sleep. Now it's 4:20 and he has turned all the lights back on again, I gave him his 4am pain pill why is he up?? Bernie, I need to get some sleep please don't turn the lights on again. Now his kidney levels are off again, just hope we aren't looking at renal failure and dialysis... wouldn't that be just lovely! vicki lee

Out of the house

Well, I got him out of the house yesterday!! We went to his brother's for dinner, with a bunch of other family members. It was nice, sat out on their deck, had great food and he actually stayed awake and participated in the conversation. His brother's are still trying to set up a weekend to go to the lake, certainly wish that would happen sooner than later, I could use a weekend alone and away from the nurse duties. He looks more frail every day, his weight goes up and down every week. Really tired can't even think of anything to share right now, maybe there will be more tomorrow..... vicki lee

W A K E U P

I cannot keep going on no sleep!! He sleeps all day and denies it when I call him during the day, then in the evening when we are watching TV he sleeps constantly, I am forever forcing him to wake up. When it's time to go to bed he is wide awake, he is up and down all night, has coughing fits, goes to the bathroom and turns on every light he can.... if he's awake, I'm awake!! Unlike him I cannot sleep during the day or in the evening while the TV is on. AND you would think that with all this damn stress and exhaustion going on I would be losing weight!! HELL NO, I gained 2 pounds in a week, I can't win for losing! It is what it is.... vicki lee

Doing enough

Well it was suggested that I drive my car more often to "keep the miles down" on both vehicles, then there was a comment about not enough clean clothes, then another comment about the cotton shirts that need to be ironed that he "would like to wear"!! I guess getting up at 4am to give him pain medication isn't enough. I haven't ridden my bike in over a month, haven't had a glass of wine in over 3 months, haven't even been able to take a nice long hot bath.... my evenings are cut out for me now, ironing, laundry, cleaning up. I know, I know, every other wife in America is doing these things as well, but don't they get a break now and again, don't they get to enjoy something now and again, don't they get to take a nap now and again??? Okay Vicki, quit your whining and just do your damn job! vicki lee

On the phone

Anyone who is in my inner circle knows how much I hate talking on the phone. It is a big part of my job and after being on the phone most of the day at work I don't want to be bothered with it at night or on my own time. I will email and IM until my fingers fall off but not the phone. NOW I have to call him at least 4-5 times a day to make sure he has eaten, taken meds, still breathing, not sleeping all day, doing his exercises, did anyone call, did the nurse come by, did they bring your lunch..... the only reason I call him during the day to find out this stuff is because by the time I get home he doesn't remember what has happened throughout the day. I also said something about weening him off of the pain meds now that the radiation is helping with the pain in his shoulder and back and he almost had a coronary!! Let's not start that just yet, let's wait and see.... this coming from the man who tells everyone he doesn't take a lot of pain medication!! vicki lee

Weekends

It's 7:30am on a beautiful Saturday morning... I am longing to jump on my scooter and go for a ride, maybe go to Hesterberg's cafe for breakfast then a nice leisurely ride back home or stop by the shop and see what's new!! But no, I am filling pill boxes and counting how many doses are left before I re-order, making sure his "easy" shirts and his Levi's (the only ones that fit anymore) are clean. I will scrub the kitchen floor and the bathrooms, change bedsheets, do laundry, dust and run the vacuum, all thinking about maybe jumping on the scooter tomorrow!

It's 7:30am on a beautiful Sunday morning... I am longing to jump on my scooter and go for a ride, maybe go to......... forget it, I want to go and I probably could because all he's going to do today is sleep in the recliner but that damn Catholic guilt creeps in and makes me keep my big fat butt sitting on the couch channel surfing and jumping on and off the computer!!

It's 7:30am on a beautiful Monday morning... I am at work, re-reading all the material for my conference call this morning longing to jump on my scooter and go for a leisurely ride..... vicki lee

Get up

Now that I'm getting up at 4am to give him a pain pill I'm thinking I might as well stay up..... I could check my email, get a load of laundry done, clean the kitchen, make a pot of coffee! I'm wondering what I would look and feel like around 1pm in the afternoon, would I crash and burn or would I just keep running on adrenalin like I'm doing now? Sometimes I think there aren't enough hours in the day, my house is a mess, my car is filthy and my scooter hasn't moved an inch in I don't know how long. Here's a good question for you, do I leave him at home alone on Sunday and go for a ride? WOW!! What kind of hot mess would that be dealing with his family once they found out what I did!! And how much fun would I have between the guilt and thinking about him and calling every hour to check in? I sure could use a few hours with my knees in the breeze but is it worth it? Who knows..... vicki lee

Our life

Our life has come down to a series of pills, radiation and chemotherapy. He has made the final decision to sell his bike and use the money to buy a camper. I'm all for whatever he wants to do, thing is this, what am I going to do with the camper once he is gone? It will be on his sister's property at Mark Twain Lake, they won't want me hanging around once he's gone. And I don't know if I will be comfortable being there without him! I love going up there and it would be a great get away for me when I need it but I don't know about being around his family, I mean what if I want to bring a girlfriend or two with me, or if just want to be alone for a few days??? MAN, I really don't like making all these decisions, if it were just me it would be easy but there are so many other people and factors to take into consideration! I've even been thinking about starting to sell furniture and paying off bills so I don't have any debt after he's gone! I talked to the nurse yesterday and the oncologists notes say even with starting the chemo he probably only has about a year left, and that depends on how his kidney function is, if his numbers go down then they will take him off the chemo AGAIN! When they do that his survival rate drops, then when his kidney function is better he goes back on the chemo, and this treatment is the last treatment they will be able to put him on, he has run the gamut of drugs he can take. CANCER SUCKS!! vicki lee

Not gonna stop

This morning he had an appointment with his oncologist, the cancer has spread to his collar bone on the left side and it is fractured, doctor said he could have done it simply by turning over in bed. They will start radiation on that area as early as tomorrow to alleviate the pain and stop the spread of the disease. We were supposed to see the radiation oncologist this morning as well but she is always late and I couldn't wait any longer so he will most likely see her tomorrow. He started his IV chemo again this morning and will have those treatments every other week. When we got home and while I was fixing his breakfast I asked if he'd heard what the doctor had said about how he broke his collar bone, "No, what exactly did he say?". You could have broken it simply by turning over in bed.... "This isn't going to stop is it?", no babe it isn't. I want him to continue to fight because the thought of losing him makes me want to throw up, but it must be hell on him, constant pain, tests, doctors, radiation, chemo, exhaustion, lack of appetite, depression the list goes on and on..... vicki lee

Sleep

How can this man keep going?? He has not been to sleep longer than 3 or 4 hours for over two months now! And I haven't slept sound since last Friday! Took him for radiation this morning and they are going to check his last CT scan and see what is going on in his left shoulder, if it is showing signs of involvement then they will do some radiation there. We talked last night about him being scared and he started to cry and said, "Of course I'm scared!". That is really hard to hear coming from this man who has been so big, so full of life, so sure of who he was as a man.

CANCER SUCKS!!!

vicki lee

Decisions

So, I talked to the nurse at the cancer center yesterday. Here is what she said!! If his confusion issues clear up he can definitely start chemo therapy again. It will change his prognosis but time limit is up in the air, if we do not resume chemo then the 3-6 months stand. He is in a lot of pain because of the cancer spreading in his bones (hip, spine, ribs & shoulder) I don't know what to do! Some of his family are saying that the only reason I am still around is I'm waiting for him to die! He has actually been dying for a long time and if I wanted to I could have been gone a long time ago.... I'm with him because I adore him, he's my husband, my life, my heart, and I took a vow in a church that means a lot to me. I wish they would be the ones to make this decision and to go to the doctors and listen to what they say and stay awake with him all night long and listen to him struggle to get up and down, to even breathe sometimes. Some people say, tell him what the doctors have said, some people say don't tell him.... I don't know what to do, I don't know what to tell him or what to say, I don't know what to say to his family, I don't know what to say to our children or grand children. I have to make a decision about what my decision will be..... I hate cancer!! vicki lee

Hope

So they sent him home yesterday on his 70th birthday!! I was totally caught off guard, thought I would have a couple more days to get his "volunteer" schedule set up. Most of his brothers/sisters were at our house to celebrate, which was great!! They brought food with them which was a huge help to me since I haven't gone to the grocery store in almost 3 weeks. We have pretty much made the decision to sell his motorcycle and buy a camper to put up at Mark Twain Lake with the rest of his family. However, one of his sisters is just furious that I won't be selling my bike and that I would even consider going riding and leaving him at home. She is convinced that if he sells that bike he will give up all hope and quit fighting his disease. She was almost sitting in his lap and talking a blue streak about him not selling that bike!! I wish she understood where we were both coming from. He knows he will never be able to ride again, but buying the camper and putting it at the lake gives him hope by having something new to look forward to. And it may sound really selfish on my part but I'm not sick and I can still ride, plus I'm not ready to give up my scooter!! I can still go riding with my girlfriends and getting out of the house, away from his illness, and getting in the wind is my therapy and helps me cope with the whole situation. Some people's idea of hope is nothing like what others "think" it should be.... vicki lee

Prognosis

As long as he has been sick, after all the doctor visits, all the nights sleeping in chairs at the hospital, not one time did a doctor ever, ever, give me a time limit on his life..... until today. He absolutely cannot be released from the hospital and go home without 24 hour care. That means he can come home but someone has to be with him during the day while I'm at work. His confusion is random and he has very lucid moments when he sounds like the man I married. Then he talks about being locked up in a cage and searching the hospital halls for me because he's lost me. His oncologist has made the decision to stop all chemotherapy treatments until the confusion stops. They don't expect the confusion to stop therefore no more chemo, in which case they have given him the prognosis of 3-6 months of life left. They will continue radiation treatment on his spine to try and control the pain but that's it. He is allergic to morphine, and any narcotic drugs only add to the confusion so they don't want him to take any more of those. My prayer is that I can line up family and friends to take turns staying with him as I CANNOT afford a private duty nurse at $900 per week, or an adult "day care" facility at $80 per day. Medicare will not pay for either one of those and we won't qualify for Medicaid because I make too much money. Can't type anymore, exhaustion has completely taken over my mind and hands..... vicki lee

Family meeting

Last night when his brother and sister-in-law came to visit he was still pretty much out of it. Asking his brother if he saw the dog behind the bed??? WHAT?!?!? Then telling his brother that there was a guy in there last night trying to steal him, and he was trying to get information out of him. I talked to the Doctor last night and she said again... "He CANNOT go home by himself. So, my next step is to wait for the EEG results and see how his day goes. If the doctor still says the same thing I am going to call a family meeting this weekend and let them all know what I might be forced to do. I can hear it now: 1) My sister-in-law Rose's husband has some dementia and she takes care of him why can't I take care of Bernie 2) We will all take turns coming over and helping out with him (that won't last long) 3) You don't care about him you are just worried about yourself 4) I guess you don't love him enough to take care of him.... I am DREADING this, I don't even know for sure what the right thing to do is. I can't affrd a private duty nurse, he won't stand for being dropped off at an adult day care kind of place, he is still with it enough to know what a nursing home is. Here's the thing, he was up again this morning at 4am getting dressed, and the when the nurse asked him where he was going he said I'm getting in my truck and going home!! I would have to sleep with him tied to me to make sure that doesn't happen at home, and again what do I do during the day when I have to work? Never in a million years did I thing I would be dealing with this, I thought I would come home and find him in the back yard dead from a heart attack!! vicki lee

1939

Well, I thought he would be coming home today but I don't see that happening now. This past weekend he was doing fairly well. Had a ton of visitors and he stayed awake, and participated in the conversations. I did find out that he told one of his sisters that he was thinking about selling his motorcycle and buying a camper, then when I asked him about it he said, "I don't know what I'm going to do." Fine with me, it's his decision not mine! Then this morning when I got to his room for nurses rounds, things were not going well. He was half dressed and half undressed, wasn't sure what day it was and couldn't remember my cell phone number nor could he dial it on his cell phone correctly. After about 8 times of trying to see if he could do it, the battery finally went dead and I put the phone in my purse. Then I got a phone call from his nephew Billy asking me if things were okay with him, I said they were okay not great and wanted to know why.... apparently he tried to call billy 7 times between 3am and 5:30am this morning. Then I got a phone call from the doctor saying that she went in to see him and was asking some generic questions to see how the confusion was doing, when she asked what hospital he was in he said DePaul, no wait, Barnes St. Peters. Then she asked him what year it was and he said 1939, she told him not it's actually 2010. Then she asked a few more questions, he answered some and couldn't answer others so she asked what year it was and it was still 1939. After much consideration and asking him a couple more times the year she decided it would be a good idea to call in a neurologist...... vicki lee

Here we go again

So he has been in the hospital since Wednesday this time.... have not a clue as to when they might send him home, at this juncture I'm not sure I want them to send him home just yet!! I still need to go through the house and gather up all his meds so I can hide or destroy them. What a nightmare, he pulled his IV out the other night and then last night was wanting a pair of scissors so he could cut the other one off because it was bothering him. He did look really good this morning, sitting up in the bed, color back in his face..... then it started, "Where's breakfast, can I get a cup of coffee first, you're gonna need to bring me some clean clothes up here." Then after his food came, "Here you eat this, I got it for you, don't worry about how much it costs, I got it for you, I know you're hungry, do you need some cream for your coffee?" WTF!!! As far as I can tell my life just took a dramatic turn, I can see right now that it will up at 6, fix his breakfast, give him his meds, get dressed go to work, call at noon to make sure he eats his lunch and takes his afternoon meds, straight home from work to get him his dinner, make sure he gets a bath and PJs on, give him his night meds and put him to bed.... for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health! vicki lee

Up in the mornin...

Been up most of the night because he is, roaming through the house, knocking things over, yelling at the dog and the cat. Then finally around 5:00am I caught him headed out the front door, both socks on one foot, jogging pants on backwards, no shirt, keys in hand and headed for his doctor's appointment. Honey, you can go back to bed it's way to early to go to the doctor. "Are you sure, what time is it, I'm dressed all I need is my shoes on." Really, honey look outside it is still dark, it's only 5:00am you don't have to be there until 8:30, if you will lay back down for a while I promise I will get you up and make sure you get there on time. "Okay, if you say so, I'll lay on the couch for a little bit longer." I knew he shouldn't be driving so I got a shower, got dressed, and drove him to the doctor's office. All the girls at the reception desk were surprised to see him today, he didn't even have an appointment for a blood draw or anything. Thank goodness for those people at the cancer center, they did a blood draw and got him in to see the doctor. This time instead of trying to explain to them about his confusion I let him answer all the questions. Doctor, "How many pain pills are you taking during the day?" Him, "Well I take one at 7 in the morning, or 8 or 9, then I take another one, no wait I take one at 8 or 8:30 in the morning..... you know if they take away my CDL I will lose my job." Doctor, "Okay, let's get him admitted and see what's going on." Today there will be another full body scan, pain meds, and I won't have to stress about whether or not he's eating today.....

Donut shop

After Church yesterday he decided he wanted donuts. Fine, do you have enough cash on you to get donuts or do you want to use your debit card? "No I don't like using my debit card, I need to get some cash." Okay so I head for the bank (opposite direction of the donut shop). "Where are you going, I told you I wanted donuts." I know but I have to go by the bank to get some money first.... "I don't know why you're doing that, I want donuts." I know honey but you just said you didn't have any cash and you didn't want to use your debit card. "I know I told you that but I'm telling you now that I want donuts." Do you want to use your debit card at the donut shop? "Why do I have to keep telling you this, no I don't like to use my debit card, I just want to go to the donut shop." Okay, we'll go to the donut shop just give me a few minutes I need to make a quick side trip. So I pull into the bank by the ATM machine and he calmly hands me his debit card and says "Just get me $40.00 I don't need much more than that." Okay sweetie, you want to go get some donuts after this? "Sure, we can do that." It is what it is!!! vicki lee

Hallucinations...

Sitting at the dinner table last night he picked up the WHITE plastic salt shaker and began to turn it around in his hand. What are you looking for Babe? "There is an ant crawling on the salt shaker." WHAT?!?!? How did an ant get inside the salt shaker? "Not inside it's crawling right there on the outside of the shaker." HUH, the shaker is white the salt is white, there is nothing of any other color, let alone an insect, crawling anywhere on the shaker. Honey, I don't see anything, "I'm telling you it's right there, well now I can't see it, maybe it crawled inside or it's on the table." Now I'm moving all the dishes on the table looking for something crawling around, I even took the lid off of the shaker and looked inside and around the lip, nothing! Bern there isn't anything there, see (showing him the opened shaker). "FINE, you just had to prove you were right and I was wrong didn't you, couldn't take my word for it, I'm telling you I saw an ant crawling around on that salt shaker!" Okay, if you say it was there, it was there..... I know folks are praying for my husband but I'm starting to think I need to start asking them to pray for me, not sure how much more I can take. I'm tired and scared and hate this disease more than anyone could every fathom..... vicki lee

Being rude!

So, another grocery store trip (he still doesn't want me going alone). We were walking through an aisle and he is in the middle and there is a lady behind us trying to go around..... Bern you need to move over just a bit. "The hell with em let em go around!" Now I'm embarrassed and look at the lady behind us, excuse me and then I pull the cart to the right and let her go by, she just smiles and goes on. Now I'm really upset, Bernie, I know you're in pain and I know you're tired but that is no excuse for being rude and inconsiderate. "You're right." Then I got to thinking about it, he has every right to be rude and inconsiderate sometimes. I don't know how gracious I would be in that situation. He never gets enough sleep, walking is a huge chore, his back aches all the time, his legs won't hardly hold him up any more. Maybe I was a bit to hasty in berating him, maybe I should have handled it differently. Who knows anymore, I'm tired too, my back hurts sometimes too but I'm not rude to people, I try to be accommodating... This life with cancer is starting to get really hard to navigate in, never knowing what to say or how to say it, trying desperately to not treat him like a child (even though he acts like one)..... vicki lee

Passing by...

So, I have been off work since Thursday of last week, took the dog to get neutered on Wednesday night and got back around 5:30 Thursday evening. We had planned on going to the lake but things didn't work out so we stayed home. Was hoping to hook up with friends at some point but, unlike my life, they have lives of their own and they all made plans. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I feel like my life is just passing by, all I did most of the last 3 or 4 days has been sit here and watch him sleep. He isn't sleeping in the bed again, so the minute he sits in the chair he's out. I've tried to get him to go somewhere or do something but he just says no I don't feel like it. We did go out and buy a new TV because our old one was just about gone, but we weren't in the store 5 minutes before he started getting winded and needed to sit down. I just don't know how to feel and I don't know how to act. If I go places without him, I'm afraid people will think I'm a heartless bitch for leaving my sick husband at home by himself. But then the very few times I've gone somewhere without him I don't feel right, it's like part of me is missing. BUT, I'm not that old and I just feel like my life is just passing by every time I look at him sleeping in that damned recliner.... vicki lee

Holidays

Happy Labor Day weekend!! So I've noticed that he looks like he's losing weight again, so I checked to see how much of the liquid appetite inducing medication he had left. He still has a small amount in one bottle. He probably should have refilled the prescription last week. Hey Honey, have you been taking your liquid medicine every day like you're supposed to? "No, I take it when I remember it." Honey, you really need to take it every day like you're supposed to. "Well I noticed I was kinda looking fat, so I thought I would back off the medicine." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Here's a thought for scientists and those folks that invent new medicines. How about inventing a pill that mimics the affects of my husbands cancer, the weight loss aspect, for women like me that struggle with their weight! I mean really, he "thinks" he's gaining weight so he just stops taking his med?? Ya know, I've said this before, cancer sucks (in any form) but being overweight and trying to lose and struggling with it... that really sucks!! vicki lee

Anxious

So, after work today I will be on vacation for a couple of days (wish we were doing something fun), and I am taking the dog to Monroe City (about 3 hrs away) to get neutered and have some puppy teeth pulled. I am driving up tonight, surgery is tomorrow morning, and I am driving back tomorrow afternoon. Why would she go that far away you might ask.... because it is less than half the cost at my vet here in town. Anyway, he is not going with me because he doesn't think he can do the car ride up and back so close together. Here's the thing, the thought of leaving him alone and being 3 hours away makes my stomach ache and little beads of sweat pop out on my forehead and upper lip. I'm surprised I haven't done the bathroom every 10 minutes thing, which so often accompanies my bouts of anxiety and stress. He says "I'll be fine, my brothers are close if I need anything." That is true but I don't want anyone else there without me. You might think I am a control freak, in some cases you might be correct, but the reasoning in this instance is, I don't want his family making any kind of medical decisions for him. We have talked about this stuff and I know what he would want and what I would be comfortable with. MMMAAANNNNN am I just stressing over this too much, is this an issue that really is a non-issue, can I really control every single thing that happens with him??? Gotta love the uncertainty of living with this dreaded disease.... vicki lee

Brothers

So my sister-in-law is having a lumpectomy tomorrow morning and he wants to be there for his brother. I was scared to death that he would try and drive (been trying to keep him out of the truck) however, one of brothers is picking him up in the morning and another brother is bringing him home tomorrow afternoon. This really takes a load off my mind, I freak every time the phone rings when I know he's driving. I mean think about this; I handed him his meds this morning so I would know he took them, so then I get a phone call at work asking me if he took them. If he can't remember if he took pills does he really think he can drive a car??? Oh well, it is what it is.... vicki lee

Sundays.....

After church today we went to see my sister-in-law, she is having breast surgery on Tuesday. She was recently diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer they are doing a lumpectomy, she is not worried but I am still praying. Anyway.... he stayed awake most of the day and is actually still awake and it's after 9pm. WOW, maybe just maybe he will sleep tonight instead of getting up and down all night. Sleep deprivation does strange things to people, he is having trouble putting sentences together again, and his thought train keeps jumping the tracks. He says the dog walks all night long on the bed and that's what's keeping him awake. THE DOG WEIGHS 4 POUNDS, how can you feel that? I think he is grasping at straws and just looking for any excuse. Also realized this weekend that I am going to be handing him meds every morning and night, he is forgetting on some days and doubling up the next day. Oh well such is the life with a husband who is older and ill!!! vicki lee

Seriously....

So, met him at the grocery store last night, he is FINALLY using the handicapped placard. Since I didn't feel like cooking dinner when we got home and I knew he wouldn't be able to, I suggested we grab a burger and take it home to eat. He agreed, then I said, why don't you get the burgers and meet me at the house (we had both cars). That way I can carry all the groceries in and put them away before he even pulls in the driveway. Decision made, he is going to Sonic, I want a bacon cheeseburger and nothing else. He leaves the parking lot before me and as I'm driving by McDonald's (next door to Sonic) there he is in the drive thru!! Call his cell phone, goes right to voicemail, try it again, it rings 5 times and goes right to voicemail..... oh well I guess I'm eating Mickey D's for dinner. I go home carry everything in, put everything away and he pulls in the garage with a Sonic bag!! Imagine my surprise, so I take the bag and start taking things out, and the only thing in the bag is a foot long cheese coney!! Where's my bacon cheeseburger?? So I ask him, honey, where's my dinner? "Funny Vic, very funny!" What do you mean funny?? "You know what I mean, I know you got your own food!" Bern, I am broke between now and my next payday how could I get any food, I saw you at the drive thru at McDonald's. "Yeah, I went to McDonald's and after I went to the first window I thought I was done so I went to Sonic and got my foot long." Allrighty then, I guess I'm eating left overs for dinner and I'm cooking as well!!! "I'll got back and get you something, what do you want?" Never mind, it doesn't matter, I'll find something in the fridge to eat.... vicki lee

Now I'm scared

Well, he just called me at work (doesn't always happen)... He wanted to know his cell phone number, so I gave it to him. Then I asked him are you okay, where are you? "I'm at home, everything is fine." Bernie why did you want your cell phone number.... "Wait, I didn't want my cell phone number I wanted my bank account number." (I have NEVER had this, we have separate accounts) What the heck is going on??? Is he having another medication reaction? He is doubling up on his Xanex, could that be what's going on? Still having trouble sleeping, then yesterday he calls me to tell me the doctor says 'the pain pills are just for pain they are not to help you sleep'.... I have been telling him that for months now!! Maybe when I tell him this stuff I should put on a white lab coat with my name embroidered on it! That might make him believe that I know what I'm talking about, I doubt it...... vicki lee

Tired

Well, he is having more and more trouble sleeping again. Not sure if it's a side effect of the new chemo or the pain in his back. All I know is I'm staying awake and waking up to see if he's in the bed or in the recliner. Went to bed last night at 10:30 (as usual) woke up at 11:30 looking for him, woke up again at 12:45, then woke up again at 1:45 and he was in bed but, I WAS WIDE AWAKE!! So I got up and watched TV until 3:00 when he got up and went back to the recliner.... do you see a pattern emerging here? All I know is it's going to be a very hard day trying to keep my thoughts straight. Exhaustion is not conducive to a good day at work..... vicki lee

Giving up

Anyone who knows me and my husband, knows that he is/was/always will be a very domineering man. He has made 99.9% of all decisions that were ever made in our home, he has also dictated, pretty much, where I go and who I go with. Also, as anyone who knows us, I never did a lot on my motorcycle unless he was with me. His excuse always was "What if something happens and I'm not there?" My answer always was, if anything is going to happen it will happen whether you are there or not. So, imagine my shock and surprise when he agreed to let me go on a ride this past Sunday without him. Imagine my shock and surprise at myself for going!!! He is having a lot of back pain again and trouble sleeping, which makes the pain seem worse. He even skipped church, something we very rarely do! I am starting to get more and more worried, even with him starting a new chemo, he just seems to be getting weaker. I pray that he isn't giving up!! Don't know if I blame him though, he has been through hell and he can hardly do anything anymore without getting worn out within 5 minutes. I pray anyone reading this never ever has to watch a loved one wither and fade away... vicki lee

Rude people

Went to the grocery store last night.... He is really moving slower than usual, but he did run around all day finding parts to fix a toilet. In the grocery store we just take our time and walk very casually up and down the aisles discussing if we did/didn't need anything from that particular area. Then it started, first it was the women in the high heels and business suit, cell phone tucked under her chin, barking about "I will be there first thing in the morning", sighing heavily and clicking her tongue because we weren't moving fast enough. Next we have the "soccer moms" with 1-3 kids in/out/hanging onto their carts, which are crammed full of juice boxes and Fruit Loops, screaming at this one "No you can't have that", while the littlest one cries with snot running down it's face, reaching in front of us like we weren't even standing there!!! PEOPLE!!! Stop, slow down, remember how precious life is, the groceries, meetings, mini vans, jobs will all be there tomorrow but your loved one might not be. Stop being so rude, smile, say excuse me, make eye contact with people, wait 5 seconds before you get your panties in a wad..... vicki lee

Real world

Well, it's back to the real world and the grind!! Didn't sleep worth a dang last night (wishing I was still at the lake) neither did he. Doctor's office called me this morning, his blood pressure is up so they are playing with his meds again. Doctor says fatigue is just a part of his life now, nothing really can be done because of his illness and medications. Would really like to get some riding in before summer is over but I'm not sure how to approach the subject with him, I know he can't hold that bike up anymore and I certainly don't want to leave him behind. WHAT DO I DO??? vicki lee

Time off

Well, just got back from 4.5 days at Mark Twain Lake. Totally relaxed and can't remember when I have slept that well. These past few days have shown me just how weak and frail he is.... we did spend a lot of time with family and I'm glad for that, he has wonderful nieces and nephews that just adore him and they took care of most of the "heavy" stuff that I usually do. (helping him up/down out of chairs, getting him a drink or snack etc, etc) So it was nice to not have to be "on watch" all the time. He really had a great time as well, his sister and one of her daughters were in from Michigan (wish they all lived here) so that was good. AAANNNDDD he treated me like a queen, I didn't have to do any cooking. Did do some cleaning but that's just me needing things to be a certain way. We took the dog and he didn't even yell like a maniac when the dog barked!! This may sound a little gruesome but could this be a sign of the end of his time with me? My prayer is that it isn't even close to that time!! Even though he makes me crazy and sometimes I think I just can't take any more, we've been together 30 years and I love him very much. vicki lee

V A C A T I O N

Yes, I'm taking a few days off from work (maybe)... Thought I had everything squared away that the boss wanted then, the phone rang! I have to explain what "Umbrella Policy" means and I'm not sure if I will be able to do it to her satisfaction. On another note, I was told last night that I really don't care about him!!

R I G H T ..... can you sense sarcasm when you read it? If I don't care why do I sit up nights sometimes just to watch him breath, or research the newest drug he's taking to find out what the true side affects will be, or spend night after night in a hospital room sleeping in uncomfortable chairs, or make his bed after he's been in it all day because he's uncomfortable and the nurses are too busy to do it? This list could go on for days!!! I'm just focused on taking a few days off and doing nothing. vicki lee

It hits again

Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again.... CANCER SUCKS!! Just found out my sister-in-law has breast cancer. I've reached the point where, if I hear of one more person that I love or care about has cancer I'll disappear to a remote island somewhere never to be heard from again. I am so tired of people being sick!! I need a vacation but won't take one because right now I can't stand being around him. He is mean, and controlling, and crabby and I'm sick of filling his pill holder and sick of remembering the doctors visits and sick of reminding him to wear short sleeve shirts and sick of talking to the drug company. All I want is for him to be nice to the dog and not put restrictions on EVERYTHING!! I want to sell everything and move into a small apartment or trailer somewhere, have enough money at the end of the month to go out and enjoy ourselves once in a while, or plan a vacation with no restrictions! I really miss going out for dinner at a NICE restaurant, having a couple of glasses of wine and ordering anything from the menu I want... vicki lee

Depression

Don't know what's happening, can't get out of this funk. He is just being a jerk!! We had a small vacation planned, his sister from Michigan is even planning to join us! Before we even get close to leaving he starts telling me what we can and can't do, where we can and can't go, who we can and can't see! It's my vacation too, so i started crying and couldn't tell him why so we just stopped talking AGAIN! Then yesterday (Sunday) around 5:30 I went into the kitchen and made myself a sandwich. Sundays are usually do what you want for food day!! Then he got up and went into the kitchen and made a sandwich, on the way back into the kitchen when he was finished... "Thanks for offering to make me a sandwich".... WHAT?!?!?! Are you serious!! I'm really getting tired and worn out and depressed, can't seem to do anything right, don't have enough money to move out, no family I can turn to... vicki lee

Better days

First, HOORAY it's Friday!! Was thinking of canceling the few days of vacation I had planned for next week but I don't think I'm going to, the work will be here when I get back. So, we are going out for dinner AGAIN tonight. He is really feeling much better, starts a new IV chemo next Wednesday, has treatments every 2 weeks. Usually what happens he starts a new drug, it works really well for a few months, then his kidney (he only has one) and liver functions start to go haywire and they take him off of it. Then we hit a rough patch, different side effects from the drug and the kidney and liver being off and the cancer starts growing again... Anyway, we will see what we see. Since we know that the cancer is growing fairly rapidly in his lymph system, his bones and the original tumor wrapped around his esophagus, any kind of treatment to fight it is welcome!! But for now we are having some better days and we are going to thoroughly enjoy them... vicki lee

GGRRRRR

The old saying that men are big babies when they are sick is sssooooo true!! All I asked him to do last night was hold the dog (he weighs 4 lbs) while I clipped the dogs claws. He threw such a hissy fit that I finally relinquished and now I'm looking for a groomer or vet that will do it for not a lot of money. I mean really, it's a 4 pound little dog, I can't hold him and clip and file at the same time (he doesn't like having it done). Anyway, he is such a whiner... vicki lee

Not again

We are having the "motorcycle" conversation again. Since he is feeling better and his appetite is improving he thinks he is all better and can go back to all the things he did before(he cut the grass in the backyard yesterday in 100 degree heat). The one thing he fails to see is he is still very frail and unsteady on his feet. If you've never ridden a motorcycle they are heavy and sometimes hard to hold upright. His weighs a whopping 800 pounds and once it starts tipping over it is sometimes impossible to hold, he has already dropped it a couple of times in the garage and had to call a neighbor to come help him pick it up. Don't get me wrong, I would love for him to ride again I don't ride mine because I don't want to leave him behind. Doctor is supposed to give him his new chemo regimen today so we will see what the side affects are from that before we get too panicked about him riding again. UUGGHHH going through all this stuff all I can think of is no no no not again!!! vicki lee

It is what it is

Ya know, Cancer is a strange disease.... Usually the only way it is detected is by a medical test i.e. xray, ct scan, bone scan, mri, mammogram. The other strange thing about cancer is until you know you have it and you are being treated it doesn't hurt. I mean most women who have breast cancer didn't have any pain or discomfort before they were diagnosed. Same way with kidney cancer, he didn't know anything was wrong until he started urinating blood. NOTE: some folks think they have a kidney or urinary tract infection when they see blood in their urine, so they don't go to the doctor right away. BIG MISTAKE!!! Anytime blood is coming out of your body from an orifice that usually doesn't spew blood GO TO THE DOCTOR! He is actually doing fairly good right now. Huge thanks to the prayers from all the Religious of the Sacred Heart and my very dear friends and family. The one thing I know for sure, in a month or so we will probably be going through some other kind of crisis.... it is what it is. vicki lee

Great Weekend

SSSOOO.... We actually had one of the best weekends we've had in 6 months. Friday night went to dinner with family and he ate an entire strip steak!! Couldn't get him to touch the potato or anything else but I'll take what I can get. Saturday couldn't get him out of the recliner (I shouldn't expect so much I guess). Sunday, went to Mass, went to lunch with family ended up staying longer than expected and missed a farewell reception for a dear friend. BUT, he ate a big lunch, participated in the conversation and didn't poop out for almost 2 1/2 hours. It's amazing what a blood transfusion will do for you, and the nasty liquid medicine he's taking to improve his appetite is really working. The best part of the weekend, he can still make me laugh!!! vicki lee

HOORAY!!

Really busy this morning so just a quick note, he actually made himself some breakfast this morning. Oatmeal, his favorite, he only ate about 6 bites but he got up and made the effort!! This ladies & gentlemen is progress, how sad is it that your husband eating 6 spoons of oatmeal is progress. Cancer (in any form) is a bitch!! Blessings to any and all that are going through it with us! vicki lee

Thanking God

This morning he started ANOTHER new medication to improve his appetite. (I clearly do not have a problem with my appetite) It is liquid and he has to take 4 teaspoons a day in the morning. If it were me I would just continue to not have an appetite, I am not a liquid medication person, gags me every time. He shakes the bottle, grabs a spoon, sits down at the kitchen table, opens the bottle and proceeds to slurp down 4 teaspoons of this white, chalky, foul smelling, liquid. "Does it taste bad?" I very quietly ask. "It tastes terrible, worse than the stuff I have to drink for the bone and CT scans. At least that stuff is banana or vanilla flavored." It's at that moment that I am thanking God for my health and the fact that I don't have to go through any of that. Then I thank God for letting me have him, cancer and all, for as long as I've had him, and I vow to NEVER argue with him again. Now I know that we will argue again, it's human nature to disagree and, I happen to be a very emotional person. But I know how truly blessed we are that his cancer hasn't been the kind that requires the "nasty" chemo were you hair falls out and you are always throwing up. Don't get me wrong, ANY form of cancer is no picnic but God is putting us through this fire for a very important reason and when it's my time to go I'll understand what that test is, until then I'm still thanking Him for everything. (including the arguments) vicki lee

Alrighty then

So, I wasn't included on the doctor visit this morning!! Nothing unusual when he wants the doctor to think he's doing better, he tells me I don't have to go with him. BUT the transfusion last week did some good, his blood counts look good, kidney function looks good so now we are starting a new pill to help with his appetite (lost another pound) and next week a new chemo drug therapy. I swear we could have had a deck and pool built onto the house for what we have spent on medication. I wonder if any of that stuff could be sold on the street?? Oh yeah, we still aren't really speaking to each other I just called to get a doctor update, can't help myself... Didn't ask if the doctor said he could ride the bike again or not, just gonna wait and see what happens. vicki lee

Advice

We had "the" conversation!! I told him one time about 5 years ago that I would never have this conversation with him again but I couldn't keep my promise. I always tell young women to make sure, no matter what kind of relationship they are in, always make sure you have enough of your own money to move out or change your situation if you feel there is no other way around your issues. Well I have not taken my own advice, I don't WANT to move out but at this point for my own sanity it's probably the best thing for me to do! Having said that, it's not going to happen. There are so many reasons why other than the fact that he's sick. Three quarters of my paycheck goes into paying the household bills and there isn't enough left to pay for another place. I actually could list a dozen reasons why but I won't, I'll just sit here and think about not giving anymore young women relationship advice!!

So be it...

Well, it's Monday and things are about the same with one exception. He plans on riding the motorcycle again if the doctor tells him he has no restrictions on what he can and can't do... And, as you can well imagine this started a huge argument which has now led to us not speaking AGAIN!!! And, as usual, he made me feel like I hadn't done anything to contribute to our marriage or our home. Okay God, if this is really where I'm supposed to be then so be it, if this is the way I'm supposed to feel all the time then so be it.

No control

If I've heard it once I've heard it a million times.... "Vicki, you can't control him". Last night he made that crystal clear to me AGAIN! I simply asked if I could move my motorcycle closer to the front of the garage so that in the morning if I want to ride we don't have to go through all the hassle of moving his truck and bike before I can get mine out. (keep in mind that his weight has plummeted from 240 to 185 and he has trouble standing by himself) And he got upset with me and said "Well what's going to happen when I decide I want to go riding..." ARE YOU SERIOUS!! I burst into tears and all he could do was ask what's the matter?? Should I not dash his hopes, should I let him believe that he might someday ride the bike again, should I just let him drive the truck and not worry that his reaction time is less than half of what it used to be? How do I explain things if he kills someone else or himself? Since he is so ill do I just let him do whatever he wants? Is he in denial or am I putting him in a wheelchair to soon??

Okay, I go to the doctor with him, I hear what the doctor is saying, I take in the magnitude of the diagnosis and I deal with it. Then someone from the family calls and they ask me what is going on and I think they deserve to know what is going on with him just as much as I do. Then HE gets on the phone, "I'm doing great, I feel good, just a little bit of an energy problem, the doctor says I'm fine...." does he just not hear the doctor, is he just trying to sugar coat it for his family, do I not deserve a little sugar coating??? I'm the one who has to deal with the diagnosis, I'm the one who has to make sure he takes the correct meds at the correct time, I'm the one who has to monitor the pain meds to make sure he isn't over medicating, I'm the one awake with him half the night because he can't sleep, I'm the one who has to watch him waste away, I'm the bad guy when I force him to eat something. I know, I know for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I just need to not feel like such a fool after he takes his cell phone into the bathroom with him and makes a follow up call to his family to make sure they know he's okay! Is it me..... vicki lee

"Vic... Vic", is someone talking to me, I'm sleeping go away. "Vic...Vic", I realize it's him standing over me at the side of the bed. I shoot straight up out of a sound sleep, "What's the matter, are you okay, did you fall, what's going on?" I can't get the questions out fast enough, standing up now, reaching for my shirt, going through the 911 call I'm going to make. "It's 7 o'clock you're going to be late for work", it can't be 7am it's still dark outside. Looking at the clock it's 3:45am, "It's okay honey, I have time, it's only 3:45, see look at the clock." "Are you sure, because the clock in the living room says 7." After much reassurance and discussion I finally convince him that it is still the wee hours of the morning and I crawl back in bed hoping to be able to slip back into a bit of a nap. This is a recurring scenario for us right now, he is more and more confused and I am more and more frightened for him and myself. God please don't let his mind go, you can have everything I have, my health, my mind, my home anything just please don't take his mind..... bargaining with God never works but it does make one feel a little more hopeful! Vicki Lee

It's all in a day's work

This is the first day of my blog and I'm hoping to touch a heart, answer a question or ease some pain. As you can tell by the title my husband has cancer, we have been fighting this disease since 1993 when he was first diagnosed and lost his left kidney. He was then diagnosed again in 2003 and then again in 2005. It's been a rough road and an enlightening one, we've learned how to deal with pain, drug reactions, depression and downward spirals. The catalyst for me starting this was him needing another blood transfusion today and the realization that I just needed to talk to someone. So, I'm talking to you.... thanks for listening! Aunt Vicki Lee