Why is it that no matter how much you try, no matter how much you do, no matter how much money and effort you spend some people just don't care.  My children have shut me out of their lives, makes me think they were only around for their dad.  Now that he is gone it isn't necessary to tolerate me.  Just found out last night that not only did my daughter fall and break her ankle she now has to have heart surgery!  Also just found out that my oldest grandchild has moved out of her mother's house and in with her boyfriend!!!  What the hell is going on, what the hell did I do to make these kids hate me so much?  Was trying to raise them with some morals and a sense of responsibility and respect not the right thing to do?  Maybe if I had been a drunk or drug abuser or never fed them or bought them clothes maybe then things would be different.  Maybe if I had been a hoarder or never cleaned the house or cooked or taken them places.  I just find it very difficult to understand...... 

Here we are another day closer to the 2nd anniversary of his death.  I had a dear friend of mine, that lost her husband, tell me the 2nd year is worse than the first, now I understand what she meant.  After all the shock and numbness wears off and the family and friends get back to their normal lives you are left with your thoughts and memories.  The thoughts of total inadequacy, abandonment, anger and that black empty hole in your heart.  Don't get me wrong I am very blessed to have a wonderful network of loving caring friends and family that I speak with on a daily basis.  They are very encouraging and reassuring that the decisions I am making are not ALL wrong. But still...  there is that black empty hole that I fall into at night, when I go to bed, when I reach for his pillow, when I listen for him stirring in the night, when a fleeting thought crosses my mind to check his prescriptions for refill, when the shower head breaks and I have no idea how to fix it, when I cry and need his arms to hold and comfort me.....

Today my beloved B would have been 72 years old.  He was an incredible human being, very perceptive when it came to people and situations.  Stubborn as hell and a little self absorbed but he had the biggest heart and would do just about anything for his family and friends.  He taught me how to respect myself and build and keep a friendship. He didn't hesitate to marry a woman with 2 small children and then proceed to adopt them and give them his family name. (their natural father couldn't have cared less)  He adored his grandchildren and thought the sun rose and sat on his nieces and nephews.  He loved his USMC and made it known that he was a Marine every single chance he got. The last few years of his life, even when the chemo and radiation made him very ill, he complained very little and never ever felt sorry for himself.  One of the last times we went to dinner with friends, I knew he didn't feel like going, but I persuaded him to go anyway.  Someone took our picture that evening and after I saw it the guilt I felt was overwhelming, I never "made" him go anywhere he didn't want to go after that.  When someone says it's hard to put into words how they feel, believe them.  There are no words, written or spoken, that can describe the empty, black, bottomless feeling of grief I have in my soul since he has been gone.  I will forever love him..... 

Let me begin today's blog with this....  To Katie, my beautiful niece, I only have one thing to say to you!  I Love You...  Sometimes the clarity we need in a situation comes from the strangest of places and yesterday that clarity came from my sweet Katie.  Moving on when a spouse passes has got to be one of the most difficult things in the world!  I take that back, I've lost a sibling, both parents, a blessed aunt and a dear, dear friend.  The one thing I have not lost is a child so, saying that losing a spouse is the most difficult thing in the world may not be completely accurate.  All I know is losing my beloved B is one of the longest, hardest journeys I have ever had to take.  The 2nd anniversary of his death will be here in no time and the closer it gets the sadder I get, besides winter is coming and that always makes me depressed. I HATE WINTER!!  Praying for peace always.... 

So much time has gone by since I last blogged....  I really need to get back into doing this again, it kind of gives me a release of pain, frustration and angst when I see my thoughts in print.  In past posts I've stated how I am "changing" things up, learning to "move forward", starting a "new life" etc. etc.  Well, truth is, nothing could be further from the truth.  I miss him more and more by the minute, and it is harder and harder to go to bed without him, eat without him, I can't even force myself to go to Church without him.  I know he would really want me to move on and start living but I just don't want to.  Where am I ever going to find someone like him?  I'm not, there is just no way around it there are no "REAL" men left in the world.  The only way to find someone like him would be to marry one of his brothers.  The only single brother he has left is like my brother so that will never happen...  Here are the words to a new tattoo I'm going to get, just not sure where I'm going to put it, but it sums up exactly how I feel every minute of every day.

"In time, in time they tell me, I'll not feel so bad.
I don't want time to heal me.
There's a reason I'm like this.
I want time to set me ugly and knotted with loss of you, marking me.
I won't smooth you away
I can't say goodbye."