What to do....

Here I sit, on the computer again, bored out of my mind, stressed to the max, confused, sad.... how many more words do I need!! Do I try to sell the house, how long will it be before the bike sells, should I trade them both in on a new one, should I try to plan any vacations, should I try and sell the truck or trade it in?? Did he really love me or was he just in it for what he could get, was he intentionally using me, did he know what I would have to go through, did he even care about what I would be going through? THIS IS SUCH A ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS.... How much longer will this go on??? I know, I know wait a year before you make any decisions but I just don't know if I can. Since I found out about the whole mortgage thing I just can't stay in this house anymore. It's not my house, I didn't pick it out, he never once ever said I did a good job decorating, he never complained about my housekeeping but what does that mean he just didn't care about it or it was never good enough for him to say anything. MAN if I have ever had a completely deflated ego and absolutely zero self esteem and self confidence it is right now. Who's fault is it? Do I blame him for letting me believe all these years that we actually had a relationship, do I blame myself for falling for everything he said and not being strong enough to question him and being so naive and trusting...... vicki lee

A Break

Man!!! I found this great villa in Wright City, perfect size, perfect layout, perfect price.... Talked to the real estate agent and she said the owners won't accept a contract on it unless you have cash in hand, they won't wait on me to sell my house!! I just can't seem to catch a break.... thought I had his bike sold (that would have gotten me out of debt) but that fell through, thought I found my perfect bike, it's already sold, thought I knew where my life was headed.... NOT!!! I keep hearing people say, wait a year, be patient, there will be other deals but I feel like I'm drowning. NOW gasoline has hit over $3 a gallon and I only get about 11 miles per gallon in his truck, WTF!!! Am I ever going to feel like I'm not spinning out of control..... I think not! vicki lee

Betrayal

Really feeling betrayed and used and so many other emotions right now that I can't even focus at work. I'm tired and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die!! Was our entire marriage just a way for him to get everything he wanted and have the life he wanted then leave me, not only with a huge hole in my heart, out in the cold with nothing to show for all the work I've done? I haven't said anything to my children and only told one friend and of course my supervisor knows because she was here when I got the information and I was in such shock that I had to tell someone. The question now is how do I react the next time I'm around any of his family and they start talking about what a great guy he was??? Oh well I really don't think that is going to happen I've been pretty much forgotten by most of them by now! Holy Crap is this a pity party for Vicki?? Well, maybe just a little, feeling really vulnerable and fragile and..... vicki lee

What the f***

Thought I had his bike sold.... NOT! The guy called and canceled! Thought I owned my house.... MAYBE NOT!!! Was going to try and work a deal for a new bike for myself and when I contacted the credit union and they did a background check on me, I'm not showing up on the mortgage for my house!! I thought I was over being mad at him but now I am about to explode! US Bank shocked me by telling me I wasn't on that loan, now the credit union is telling me I might not be on the mortgage!! Do I truly own anything? Have I just been working myself to death for years to find out in the end the only thing I own is the clothes on my back?? After 30 years of putting up with his crap and doing things and going places and being around people that I hated and didn't want to go and do and be, I find out it was all for him and I am not getting anything out of this.... I am about to just call it all quits pack up my old Jeep with my clothes and my dog and head west and never look back!!! vicki lee

Feeling sick

So, got a phone call from a guy that is serious about buying his motorcycle. I know I have to sell it, I am too intimidated by it to try and ride it. Maybe if I were a few years younger or even 100 pounds thinner and still working out like I used to!! It is really kinda making me feel sick to my stomach. If this guys decides to buy it how am I going to feel watching him ride off with it? Is it going to be like losing him all over again?? Or should I just start telling myself now that it is only a piece of machinery and whether I have it or not doesn't make any difference because having it will never bring him back! Still... vicki lee

Do you believe

So here's the question, do you believe the loved ones we've lost can come back to visit us??Do you believe there are people that can see and speak to the deceased?? Do you think there are some people that will tell you they have seen/talked to your loved one because they think it will make you feel better? I don't know what I believe but here's the thing.... I have been saying all along that I truly appreciate my friends for including me in their weekly dinner plans, I love them all. However, every time Friday rolls around and I know where everyone is going and how many are going to be there and who can/can't make it, I still very apprehensive about going. It's really hard to tell the waitress that I am alone and will be paying for just my dinner, what I used to say is "I'm with the tall, good looking guy at the other end of the table." So this morning when my phone rang and I raced to answer it I did not expect to have the following conversation....
"Hey Auntie Vicki Lee, how are you this morning?"
"Fine sugar what's up?"
"I just wanted to let you know that I had a dream about Uncle Beans last night and he told me to tell you that he is with you and everything is going to be okay and everyone needs to stop crying over him. He wanted you to know that even when you are walking into a restaurant and you are feeling alone that he is right behind you holding the door. He wanted to tell "Tinsel" that she will smell her mint it just takes a little time."

Now I don't know if the Niece that called me this morning reads this blog, I'm not sure she even knows it exists but if she does, I am so grateful for her being such a beautiful soul that she would want me to feel okay about going to dinner. If she doesn't read this blog or know if it's existence, then this whole thing makes me a little sad that he didn't come to me. But he always could tell everyone else how he felt before he could tell me.... vicki lee

Anger is gone

I'm done with being angry at him, I'm just so sad right now! I cry at everything, even having thoughts of total and complete withdrawal from friends, I don't even want to talk to my children or grand children. Driving into work my concentration is so bad I've missed my turn off a couple of times and had to double back. I can't stand to look at his picture anymore, I want to call the monument company to see how much longer before his headstone comes in because I want to go to the cemetery and just sit by his grave. I'd be doing that now but since they removed the temporary marker I can't find it (which just really throws me into a tailspin). I just want him back, and all I can think of is all the times we argued and how sorry I am that I ever said a harsh word to him. I know that is completely irrational because everyone has arguments and gets mad at one another but you just don't think about how hard it will be if they are gone until it happens. Going somewhere this weekend with some girlfriends and I am forcing myself to go, the thought of it just makes me cringe, I don't want their pitiful looks or their "So, how you doing?" remarks and questions. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs MY HUSBAND IS DEAD AND I AM SCARED AND SAD AND JUST WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE SO I CAN BE WITH HIM..... vicki lee

So sad

Boy, oh boy, oh boy.... I am feeling so sad and depressed today!! Starting to feel really lonely, can't stand to look at pictures of him right now I've burst into tears twice today because his picture is on my computer screen saver. I know that I have to reach out to his family but I am really feeling like they don't even care what's going on with me. Maybe they don't, I know some of them only tolerated me because I was his wife (not my imagination have seen/heard/and felt what they can do to others that aren't "family"). I really don't want this to turn into a pity party, but I just want to know that they valued me for a little while... it's really hard to get motivated when you don't have anything to keep you going. I keep thinking about the whole "camper" issue, do I really want to subject myself to this? At this point the way they are embracing the "exes" of the family I'm afraid it will turn into something that I end up paying for and they end up using. It was supposed to be for a certain Niece, her children, me, my kids and my grands but now that her mother is back into the thick of the family I just feel like if I am not going to the lake she will be the one there and that is such a slap in the face to him, he did not like her nor did he have any respect for her but his family doesn't seem to care about that anymore and they certainly aren't respecting me.... this sucks so bad!!! vicki lee

Who's counting

Sssooooo..... on the 17th of February it will 3 months, 13 weeks, 90 days, 2,160 hours, 129,600 minutes and 7,776,000 seconds since he passed, but who's counting.... I AM DAMN IT!!! Every second that ticks by on the clock it's one more second without him. This sucks so bad, haven't been invited to one single thing since New Year's Eve with his family. I only think I was invited to that because his Niece needed a ride up there, she didn't even come home with me, I drove home alone!! When he was alive they respected him enough to not invite certain "X" in-laws to their homes but they don't respect me enough to do the same thing. NOW, the "X"es are being invited and I'm not!! Really says something for how much I was respected or for that matter even liked!! I thought I had a good relationship with his sister but she has even changed the time she comes to church so she doesn't have to run into me, and I haven't been invited to her house one time after church for coffee and that was a ritual when he was alive. Maybe I am just feeling really lonely and isolated because today is Valentine's Day, maybe because this is just one more "first" that I have to endure. Maybe I should stop having a pity party for myself and learn to deal with this crap, maybe not..... vicki lee

Travelling

So, went on an incredible trip with some of my girlfriends this past weekend, had a great time! Just one thing, when everyone else was getting "check in" phone calls from husband's, I was standing there with my face hanging out feeling really lonely and isolated. I know that checking in with a spouse is the completely normal and loving thing to do but I've got to admit, it made me a little jealous of my friends. I don't usually have those kinds of feelings but then again I've never been in this situation before, and I certainly would never say anything to them for fear it would make them uncomfortable. There are so many "firsts" to go through in this situation, I have really got to learn how to cope and deal with some of these feelings I'm having. I've never been envious or jealous of any of my friends, we all have different situations to deal with but this past weekend I was really feeling crappy! Oh well, just one more thing I am going to have to learn to deal with.... vicki lee