Anger is gone

I'm done with being angry at him, I'm just so sad right now! I cry at everything, even having thoughts of total and complete withdrawal from friends, I don't even want to talk to my children or grand children. Driving into work my concentration is so bad I've missed my turn off a couple of times and had to double back. I can't stand to look at his picture anymore, I want to call the monument company to see how much longer before his headstone comes in because I want to go to the cemetery and just sit by his grave. I'd be doing that now but since they removed the temporary marker I can't find it (which just really throws me into a tailspin). I just want him back, and all I can think of is all the times we argued and how sorry I am that I ever said a harsh word to him. I know that is completely irrational because everyone has arguments and gets mad at one another but you just don't think about how hard it will be if they are gone until it happens. Going somewhere this weekend with some girlfriends and I am forcing myself to go, the thought of it just makes me cringe, I don't want their pitiful looks or their "So, how you doing?" remarks and questions. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs MY HUSBAND IS DEAD AND I AM SCARED AND SAD AND JUST WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE SO I CAN BE WITH HIM..... vicki lee