About Me

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St. Charles, Missouri, United States
With all the technology we have in this world why is it so hard to find a cure for cancer?

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Alone

When I have days like today and yesterday life just seems so unbearable without him.  I miss him so very much, I can't concentrate, I have to constantly fight back tears and now I have to go to another wake for a family member.  I just hope this time I can actually make it into the room without feeling like I'm going to throw up or my heart will leap out of my chest.  All those feelings, sights, smells and sounds come flooding back and all I can think about is how I would have rather gone first than live like this now.  I am certain I know the difference between being alone and lonely...  I am ALONE, and it sucks big time!!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Aches and pains...

Boy is my body sore!!!  The basement is "mostly" painted, the walls are finished but haven't done the chair rail and trim.  Jen and the girls think it looks fine the way it is....  we'll see!  Started the kitchen reno, wasn't going to re-do the back splash but that all changed when the new cabinets didn't quite fit in the old cabinets spots!!  SSSSOOOOO I had my first lesson in tile removal, next I will be honing my drywall skills and then I get to try something new.....  I am praying like crazy that God gets me through this "new" experience!  I am so excited to be changing things around and revamping my life.  This by no means diminishes the ache I still have and the hole in my heart that used to be filled with my beloved "B".  I keep thinking about how he would just work and work until he almost dropped, he would argue with me about colors and ideas but let me have my way and do what I wanted.  I still miss him terribly and the "it'll get better" people don't know what they are talking about.....

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Moving forward...

Got 90% of the basement painted, Jen and the girls will be moving in this weekend (so excited) and I will be getting my new kitchen this weekend!!  Will start painting upstairs next week and taking full advantage of my new chair and ottoman!  I'm moving forward, trying not to look back, headed in a new direction!!  My heart still aches for him and I still think of him every second of the day, and I so wish he were still  here.  Life goes on, it sucks, but life goes on....

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Life in the house

Well, had a bridal shower for a friend that is getting married and moving to Idaho!!  At one point with the living room filled with laughter and dear friends I almost burst into tears.  It's been a long time since that much laughter and love has been inside those walls, if felt good! Now my niece and her two children will be moving into the basement this next week and the sounds of children will fill the walls again, can't wait!  I even think the house is happy it seems to feel different, lighter, more alive.  Don't get me wrong I will forever remember every place he sat, slept, walked, drank, ate, breathed....  but it's time to get some life back into the house!  I am excited, today the new kitchen cabinets get delivered and one new piece of furniture gets delivered tomorrow.  One day at a time.... thanking God for each day.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Long time

WOW!!  Haven't been on here for quite a while...  My life has taken a dramatic turn, I have realized that if I don't start living I'm going to be lost forever.  I have children, grandchildren, family and very dear friends that still need me and I need to be here for them.  Tried the whole selling the house and downsizing thing, NOT!!  The house is off the market and I'm going to start making it "my" home instead of "our" home.  There will still be elements of him in every single room but for the most part it will be the way I've always wanted it.  Not that he didn't try and make it like that when he was here, there were just some things that were a bit to "female" for him so they weren't done. I am excited about the prospect of changing things up, not quite as excited about going forward but I know I have to so I'm doing it.  I wake up every morning and ask God to get me through one more day and tell the devil to get behind me.  It's kind of like being an alcoholic or drug addict, one day at a time....