I'm done

Well that's it I just cannot take anymore of my son's lip!! As soon as he has paid off the car he is buying from me I am telling him he is gonna have to move. I'm sure that AFTER he smarted off and stomped out of the room he was going to come back and say 'MOM, I was just joking, you need to lighten up." Same thing he says every time, well I don't need any joking around, I have so much CRAP to do it isn't even funny. OH YEAH, he doesn't want to be BOTHERED on Easter Sunday because it's a "holiday" and he rests on holidays.... WHAT!?!?!?! Does he think I don't do anything during the day, I don't work the 40 + hours I'm away from the house, that I'm just out yuckin it up with my friends Monday - Friday??? I am so pissed right now I could spit nickels. I have so much work to get done in the house before I can put it on the market and I certainly can't do all of it by myself, I need help with the heavy lifting. Well, I won't be asking him for anymore help, I will either do it myself and get hurt or I will have to humble myself (hate the thought of this) and ask one of my friend's husbands or sons to come over and help me, yeah I'm done...... vicki lee

That time again

Tomorrow at 8:10am it will be 5 months since he passed. This has been the worst 5 months of my life, I go through crying jags, fits of no sleep, eating like a pig then not eating at all, no focus or concentration ability, hate my job, hate the house..... I just want to scream when someone starts complaining about their spouse, I just want to say 'you have no idea how hard it is to lose them'. And it's not even like being divorced, at least if you're divorced you MIGHT see them again but this, this is permanent never seeing them again, no kissing them, no holding them, no feeling their warm breath on your skin, EVER!!! I am just so damned sad all the time..... vicki lee

It's here

Got a phone call today, his grave marker has been delivered to the cemetery and should be installed in the next few days. I should call some of his family but I want to be the first to see it after it is laid. Is that childish, should I call them and have them all there when it's finished, should I wait until me and the kids have had a chance to see it??? MAN this sucks so bad, I don't want to seem selfish but I don't know what his family is saying about me right now either. I know how cruel they can be, and I'm sure the topic of conversation right now is 'what is she thinking or doing'. Saturday will be 5 months since he passed, I miss him so much, my heart just aches all the time.... vicki lee

Woah!!!

What a horrible mood I'm in.... feel right on the verge of falling apart. Can't focus on anything, could care less if I get out of bed, the only reason I did this morning is because if I don't go to work I'm homeless! I wouldn't mind being homeless as long as I could have my motorcycle and my dog. I am beginning to understand the people who choose to be homeless and live in the woods in tents. The freedom that would bring, no bills, no mail, no phone, no computer, no family, no squabbles, no trying to live up to what other people think I should be, no worrying about what the boss thinks, no agonizing over whether or not I have all the minutia correct that everyone else is so obsessed with. I just want the world to stop and let me get off, I am not enjoying the ride anymore.... vicki lee

Blue days

I am feeling so blue and down, way too many changes happening in my life right now. First I lose the love of my life, then my daughter loses the love of her life at age 37, then my dear Sr. Carol is going leaving me with a new supervisor, starting to second guess selling the bikes and getting the new one, still really hard to get motivated to pack up the house, really need to sell it and get out of debt, should call the lawyer to see if he has heard anything from the bank, don't want to bug him he is probably not going to charge me, don't really want to go to Miami for work, feeling like a mountain is sitting on my shoulders, need to get a haircut but just don't care about how I look anymore, should get back on the diet and exercise wagon but oh well, I wonder how long it would take for someone to find me if I packed up and headed west and didn't tell anyone, gotta buy a bike trailer before I do that, wonder if my kids could learn to take care of themselves, should call the doctor to get something for this but......... vicki lee

Still living in fear

Went riding yesterday with my dearest friends in the world, was having a really good time until folks starting taking pictures. For the friends that know me my "signature" is to always stick my finger in my nose. Some of my friends will even say, 'we have enough pictures of you like that, take your finger out of your nose!'. Well yesterday we went to a local park to see a sculpture called "The Awakening", it is a beautiful sculpture of a giant coming out of the ground. It is huge, you can climb on its head and the leg and arm that stick out of the ground are at least 50 feet tall. So my friend is telling me strike my signature pose and put my finger up the nose on the statue's head. I started to do it and thought how funny it would be then she said she would put it on Face Book!! I just stopped in my tracks and said no we can go without a nose picture this time. And when she said why, I immediately said "if it's going on FB his family will be able to see it and I don't want them to think I'm having too much fun." How long am I going to live in fear of what other people think of me!! I think I'm a good person, I try to treat other people the way I want to be treated. Although I fail terribly, I try not to talk about people behind their back and I always try to same something nice about people. I try really, really hard to not judge others, I pay attention to folks when they are talking to me, I pray constantly for God's guidance and grace and forgiveness and STILL I am worried about what his family will think of me. Some of the other in-laws will be the first ones to tell me, 'who cares what they think!' but I'm not a strong as they are, it makes me physically sick to think about them sitting around talking about me and my kids the way I've heard them tear other people up!! I gotta tell you this is not any kind of feeling I would wish on my worst enemy..... vicki lee