Sad

Can't seem to shake this sadness, had a good time at the family retirement party this past weekend, went for a nice ride with one of my best friends on Sunday, but just can't seem to get rid of these blues. Could it possibly be time for some medication?? I hate the thought of taking a pill everyday but it may come down to that. I can't concentrate at work, not sleeping well, eating like there's no tomorrow, I guess I need some help. MAN that is really hard to admit, for anyone, about anything, maybe I need to get my butt off the couch on Sundays and get back to church, that might help a little. I might need a serious vacation away from work, friends, family.... everything. Just go somewhere and sleep, maybe I could sleep the sadness away. I've tried eating it away and that doesn't help, I've been angry, worried, anxious and none of those seem to help get rid of the sadness, maybe I just need to be alone....

Making Changes

I know I've said it before but I'm saying it again... THIS SUCKS!! The closer it gets to the anniversary of his passing the more my stomach churns! The only thing that has become easier is making some critical decisions. I was waffling about the house not knowing what to do but that is settled. It is back on the market and it's gone ASAP, I just don't need all that room. Why do I need 3 bathrooms, a living room AND a family room. And I certainly DO NOT NEED 5 bedrooms!!! Have also made the decision to stop worrying about my children, I can't change them nor can I help them any longer. They are adults and the decisions they make impact their lives more than they impact mine. I will continue to pray for them because that's what Mom's do but if they do something I think is stupid then so be it! And the biggest decision of all, and this is going to be the hardest one to stick to, I WILL start to think of myself first and everyone and everything else second. PHEW!! That is the decision that I'm sure I will continue to struggle with, but after taking care of someone since I was 13 years old, well frankly that's long enough. My brothers that I helped raise are grown, my Mother has passed, my sister and my aunt have passed and my beloved Marine has passed. My Grandchildren are smart and are already proving they will grow up to be independent and successful, the only person left is me....

Sob sob sob sob

Really feeling depressed again today! Sunday the 16th will mark 11 months since he passed! This time has gone by so fast and my life has been an up and down freak show most of that time... still can't make a decision on the house and sometimes I feel like if I don't do something I will seriously just pack my car and leave. I don't think anyone really, really realizes how very much I loved him or how our lives were completely intertwined. I didn't make a move without him, I didn't make any decisions without talking to him first, hell sometimes I didn't even buy clothes without talking to him first. I know his family misses him too, he was a bigger than life kind of guy to them. His sister said that he made everyone feel like they were the most special, and he had an uncanny knack for doing just that. I'm sad, winter is coming and that makes me sad, I just want to cry all the time lately, songs, commercials everything..... sad.

Weekend

WWEEELLLL!!!! This past weekend was the first BIG family outing I've attended since I lost my love! It was really kind of nice, I really enjoyed seeing everyone and catching up on all the things I've missed in the last several months. The wedding was beautiful and very hard at the same time, I was so happy for the kids but so sad because I couldn't share those feelings you always get with my love. It was also very enlightening toward the end of the evening, you know when everyone has had way to much to drink and they start talking, apparently most everyone in the family thinks I sold his bike for WAY TOO LITTLE money! How do these rumors start? The only people that know what I got are me and the guy that made the deal!! I don't go around telling all my financial information to folks, nor do I want anyone to know my business. I also found out that most of the family don't agree with ANY of the decisions I've made in the past year. But as one, very inebriated, nephew said to me they haven't walked a mile in my shoes. No one knows the countless sleepless nights I've had, or the number of times I've thrown up, or the times I've cried so hard that my eyes swelled shut, or the crushing pain I feel in my chest when I think about him... Here's what I think I'm gonna do; when he was ill and folks would ask me how he was doing I would always just say "It is what it is!" Because, after being in this situation you learn that people are just trying to be polite in asking after him, they really don't want me to tell them all the details so you just smile and say what they want to hear!! So I'm going back to that..... My life "is what it is", it's not going to get any better because he isn't here any longer, I am never going to make everyone happy, and sooner or later I will do something or say something that will piss people off so, I am going to start living for me and make decision that affect me and if someone doesn't like it or thinks I should do something else then Oh Well, it is what it is!!!

Big

It's the weekend and there are two big family events happening. There is a wedding today, one of his favorite nephews, so exciting! He had his favorites and I know who they are but he tried really hard to make them all feel like they were his favorite! The thing is, even now, I question just how much of a favorite was I?!?!? I've heard from friends and some of his family how much he used to tell THEM how much he loved me.... but he never told me! I think he was afraid it might make him seem vulnerable or weak, it's easy to tell a niece or nephew how much you love them because they can't hurt you like a spouse can hurt you. I adored him and I told him on almost a daily basis, even through the rough times when we almost called it quits, I always loved him. I knew how much I loved him after only a few dates, I don't know if he felt it, but I know I did. I just wanted to be with him all the time, I thought about him constantly, I couldn't wait to see him again. I can remember starting to think about the next time we would see each other the minute he left my house. I call that "big love", the kind of love you feel for your children and grandchildren, the kind of love that consumes you, the kind of love that makes you hate going to sleep because that is 6-8 hours you won't be awake with them...... and now he's gone.

Big

Events

Ssssoooo..... went to a family event last weekend and there are 2 coming up this next weekend, then another 2 or 3 in November then we are into the holidays!! It was really great seeing how all the kids have grown and it seemed like just yesterday that I talked to my sisters-in-law. I really do love his family, they didn't always accept me and I'm sure when we first started dating they certainly didn't approve of me!! One sister-in-law used to remind me every year on our anniversary that I only had a few years left because he never kept a woman longer than 7 years!! BOY was I ever happy when we hit our 8th anniversary.... it was all down hill after that, they started accepting that I was in it for the long haul!! I miss him so much that I can actually feel the ache inside my chest when I think of him, but I am very grateful and blessed to have the friends I have and the family I married into.

Friends

What would this world be like if we didn't have someone to call FRIEND? Yesterday was a hard day for me, another "first". It was the first birthday since he passed, started out hard to get out of bed then progressively got worse as the hours rolled by. Swamped at work, stressed over repairs on the house, don't know if to stay or go, sell or not sell... The fact that a small group of very, very dear friends made me promise to meet them for dinner was the only thing that kept my head on straight and my heart from exploding. We laughed, we talked about him, we laughed some more, we ate, we had a couple of drinks and we laughed! I am so very grateful to be included in this group of people, I would do anything for any one of them and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I love them and am proud to call them friends...

Happy Birthday

Today he would have been 71 years young!! He lived life to the fullest and what a ride, and the amazing part is he took me on that ride with him. My life will never be the same because of him, he taught me things, listened to ALL of my secrets, knew more about me than my mother and still loved me. He taught me self-respect and gave me a sense of self-worth that I would have never known if not for him. He was, at times, the hardest person in the world to live with and his pride got in the way of some things. He could be judgmental of others and selfish with his love and his time. But one thing I know is true he loved me, he respected me and he valued our marriage and family. My life was never the same after I met and it will certainly never be the same now that he's gone.... love you B!!

Confusion

What the hell should my next step be??? Do I stay in the house, sell the house, buy a villa, buy a trailer, rent the basement.... move to Arizona?!?!?! The house is just way to big, maybe not too big but not all on one level, I hate going up and down the stairs for the shower and the laundry and the cat box. I cleaned the upstairs but don't bother with the downstairs and it really needs to be cleaned to... here's another topic for ya, do I hire a housekeeper or do it myself? I just can't seem to sort all this crap out in my mind. It's one of those, if I make the decisions myself and they turn out to be the wrong ones then I'm a failure and will be pissed off at myself and be depressed for who knows how long. If he were still here I wouldn't have to make these decisions things would still be the same as they always were, him sleeping in the recliner me trying to silently channel surf, dinner eaten and dishes done, day discussed and all the world's problems solved and world peace achieved. This really sucks, I don't know what the hell to do.... confusion is worse than not having a choice at all.

Facade

Seriously thinking again about moving west!! Don't know how much more I can keep smiling and telling people I'm ok!! I'm not ok, can't sleep, either can't eat or eat so much I throw up, all I want to do is sit in a bar and get drunk!! Haven't done that yet just really want to, don't have any friends that do that kind of thing and too scared to go alone... then again, alcohol is a depressant and the ONE thing I don't need right now is something to make me more depressed. Just keep the facade going for a little while longer till I get the sign from God or Bernie or someone, somehow that tells me what to do. Scared to death to make a decision for fear it will be the wrong one. CRAP!!! This really sucks, it was so easy before when it was him and I, we made decisions together, we thought about things as a couple, we used each other as an excuse to get out of sticky situations. Now I don't have anyone but me and I don't trust me....

10 Months

Yesterday made 10 months since he passed!! I've already been through a lot of "firsts"; first holiday without him, first birthday without him, first vacation without him.... the list is endless. I've had some friends tell me that the second year is the hardest, other people have told me the first year is the hardest. I know that things are supposed to start getting easier but when?? Things aren't any easier, I still cry myself to sleep most nights, think of him constantly, cannot stand the thought of being without him for the rest of my life. I have wonderful friends and they are very supportive but there is no substitute for his presence, his smile, his laughter....

Forever

It's been forever since I've been on here and I just don't know why. Maybe it's because I am trying really hard to move forward with my life... but it isn't as easy as one would think. I miss him more now than ever, and I'm talking my self out of going places and making excuses to friends and family as to why I can't attend functions. I've avoided seeing anyone from his family just about as long as I can. The first thing that happens will be them remembering him and how hard it is for them to not be able to talk to him or see him. It's just really hard for me to hear them say that, I just want to scream and say do you have ANY idea how hard it is for ME to live without him day after day?!?!?! We lived together for over 30 years, I saw him or talked to him every day, I slept with him, I ate with him, I cried with him, I laughed with him, I traveled with him, I had his hand to hold and his shoulder to cry and sleep on and you think it is hard for YOU because you can't call him once or twice a month or because you don't get to have coffee with him a couple times a week.... this pain is forever and I know it, this pain will never diminish, this anguish that I feel every time I think about him is forever.

I'm done

Well that's it I just cannot take anymore of my son's lip!! As soon as he has paid off the car he is buying from me I am telling him he is gonna have to move. I'm sure that AFTER he smarted off and stomped out of the room he was going to come back and say 'MOM, I was just joking, you need to lighten up." Same thing he says every time, well I don't need any joking around, I have so much CRAP to do it isn't even funny. OH YEAH, he doesn't want to be BOTHERED on Easter Sunday because it's a "holiday" and he rests on holidays.... WHAT!?!?!?! Does he think I don't do anything during the day, I don't work the 40 + hours I'm away from the house, that I'm just out yuckin it up with my friends Monday - Friday??? I am so pissed right now I could spit nickels. I have so much work to get done in the house before I can put it on the market and I certainly can't do all of it by myself, I need help with the heavy lifting. Well, I won't be asking him for anymore help, I will either do it myself and get hurt or I will have to humble myself (hate the thought of this) and ask one of my friend's husbands or sons to come over and help me, yeah I'm done...... vicki lee

That time again

Tomorrow at 8:10am it will be 5 months since he passed. This has been the worst 5 months of my life, I go through crying jags, fits of no sleep, eating like a pig then not eating at all, no focus or concentration ability, hate my job, hate the house..... I just want to scream when someone starts complaining about their spouse, I just want to say 'you have no idea how hard it is to lose them'. And it's not even like being divorced, at least if you're divorced you MIGHT see them again but this, this is permanent never seeing them again, no kissing them, no holding them, no feeling their warm breath on your skin, EVER!!! I am just so damned sad all the time..... vicki lee

It's here

Got a phone call today, his grave marker has been delivered to the cemetery and should be installed in the next few days. I should call some of his family but I want to be the first to see it after it is laid. Is that childish, should I call them and have them all there when it's finished, should I wait until me and the kids have had a chance to see it??? MAN this sucks so bad, I don't want to seem selfish but I don't know what his family is saying about me right now either. I know how cruel they can be, and I'm sure the topic of conversation right now is 'what is she thinking or doing'. Saturday will be 5 months since he passed, I miss him so much, my heart just aches all the time.... vicki lee

Woah!!!

What a horrible mood I'm in.... feel right on the verge of falling apart. Can't focus on anything, could care less if I get out of bed, the only reason I did this morning is because if I don't go to work I'm homeless! I wouldn't mind being homeless as long as I could have my motorcycle and my dog. I am beginning to understand the people who choose to be homeless and live in the woods in tents. The freedom that would bring, no bills, no mail, no phone, no computer, no family, no squabbles, no trying to live up to what other people think I should be, no worrying about what the boss thinks, no agonizing over whether or not I have all the minutia correct that everyone else is so obsessed with. I just want the world to stop and let me get off, I am not enjoying the ride anymore.... vicki lee

Blue days

I am feeling so blue and down, way too many changes happening in my life right now. First I lose the love of my life, then my daughter loses the love of her life at age 37, then my dear Sr. Carol is going leaving me with a new supervisor, starting to second guess selling the bikes and getting the new one, still really hard to get motivated to pack up the house, really need to sell it and get out of debt, should call the lawyer to see if he has heard anything from the bank, don't want to bug him he is probably not going to charge me, don't really want to go to Miami for work, feeling like a mountain is sitting on my shoulders, need to get a haircut but just don't care about how I look anymore, should get back on the diet and exercise wagon but oh well, I wonder how long it would take for someone to find me if I packed up and headed west and didn't tell anyone, gotta buy a bike trailer before I do that, wonder if my kids could learn to take care of themselves, should call the doctor to get something for this but......... vicki lee

Still living in fear

Went riding yesterday with my dearest friends in the world, was having a really good time until folks starting taking pictures. For the friends that know me my "signature" is to always stick my finger in my nose. Some of my friends will even say, 'we have enough pictures of you like that, take your finger out of your nose!'. Well yesterday we went to a local park to see a sculpture called "The Awakening", it is a beautiful sculpture of a giant coming out of the ground. It is huge, you can climb on its head and the leg and arm that stick out of the ground are at least 50 feet tall. So my friend is telling me strike my signature pose and put my finger up the nose on the statue's head. I started to do it and thought how funny it would be then she said she would put it on Face Book!! I just stopped in my tracks and said no we can go without a nose picture this time. And when she said why, I immediately said "if it's going on FB his family will be able to see it and I don't want them to think I'm having too much fun." How long am I going to live in fear of what other people think of me!! I think I'm a good person, I try to treat other people the way I want to be treated. Although I fail terribly, I try not to talk about people behind their back and I always try to same something nice about people. I try really, really hard to not judge others, I pay attention to folks when they are talking to me, I pray constantly for God's guidance and grace and forgiveness and STILL I am worried about what his family will think of me. Some of the other in-laws will be the first ones to tell me, 'who cares what they think!' but I'm not a strong as they are, it makes me physically sick to think about them sitting around talking about me and my kids the way I've heard them tear other people up!! I gotta tell you this is not any kind of feeling I would wish on my worst enemy..... vicki lee

Missing him

I gotta stop watching any kind of program that has anything to do with love, marriage, happy couples, romance, surprises or anything that has to do with happy couples. When these programs come on (sometimes it can be a commercial) the tears start flowing and I can't get them to stop. I thought that these feelings would start to ease after a little bit, no they are just getting stronger. I get home from work and I shut the garage and close the blinds and don't even open the front door to let the light in. All I want to do is sit on the couch and sulk or pout and I'm not sure how to bring myself out of it, I tell myself on the way home, I'm going to walk the dog and get out of the house..... but it doesn't seem to happen. I start to get the dog collar out and grab the dog then I stop, change my clothes and hit the couch. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just pack everything up put it in the truck and just head west!!! Let the bank have the damn house, let his family come in and take whatever the hell they want, give the rest of it to the kids or donate it somewhere. I keep praying for a little peace and I know God is listening because he always listens when you pray, the one thing that just drives me crazy is it all happens in His time not mine..... vicki lee

HELP!!!

I really want to sell the house and start over.... problem; I can't get motivated to start packing things up. I don't know if to start in the living room or the basement or the bedroom! The main problem is once I get started I will eventually end up in his closet and his dresser and his bathroom. I don't know if I am ready to start going through his stuff, I'm afraid it will be WWAAAYYY to emotional. Lately I have been really emotional and going through his stuff might push me over the deep end. There is so much stuff to go through, so many memories, and I'm sure it will be very hard to look at his stuff and have to decide what to do with it. Where do I start..... vicki lee

I'm outta here...

So, not really looking forward to it but I'm selling the house and buying a villa. This is just the beginning steps of the whole process but my son made the decision one step easier for me this morning. I would really like to stop sharing a bathroom with him but I don't want to use the hall bath, that should be kept clean for company. So the back bathroom is okay for me I used it for years when my husband and I shared it as our master bath, but when my beloved husband changed the sink faucet he hooked it up backwards. I asked my son to fix it this morning and he threw a fit and just came out of the bathroom and announced "it can't be fixed without longer connectors, Dad told you that a long time ago." HHHMMMM strange he would say that when I JUST had a handyman service here and they said it could be done with no extra connectors, I just don't want to spend the money right now. Besides he is living here for free he should be happy to help out and do what needs to be done, just saying! I'm outta here as soon as I can get things lined out, sold and bought.... vicki lee

What I miss....

When you lose someone that you've spent the last 30 years with you experience emotions you didn't know existed. And you miss things, little things, simple things, things you don't think about until you need help doing them. Like, remembering when the trash has to go out or making plans for the weekend. One of the things I miss the most... having someone to put lotion on my back, with it being winter and being "older" my skin drys out quickly. I could always go to him just before going to bed and he would rub my favorite lotion on my back. Now the lotion bottle hasn't been touched, I don't think I even care if my skin is soft or flaky and dried out, the only thing that makes me think about it now is, it itches. I wish there were a pill you could take to make your skin stop itching, I would take it. Every time my back itches it just reminds me AGAIN that he is gone and I'll never feel his hands on my skin again. I'll never kiss his lips, or be able to whisper in his ear, or have him sing off key to me when we are slow dancing. Come to think of it I will never dance with him again. It's the little things I miss..... vicki lee

HUH?!?!?

Went for my first long ride on "Pearl" this past Sunday. I rode to church and was surprised to see his sister and her husband and grand daughter there. (they kinda stopped coming to early mass) After mass I asked if she would like to see the new bike, and she said sure. So while we are walking across the parking lot she says "If you ever decide to sell his vest I will buy that no matter how much." HUH?!?!? I would never sell something so personal and sentimental. Does she think I am just selling his stuff left and right to get rid of him? Does anyone else in his family think that? Have they already started tearing me down at family outings? I did miss a family bridal shower, did they start there? And as we were looking at the bike she must have said 10 times "I wish I could have bought Bernie's bike, I sure wish you hadn't sold it". Do they REALLY think that he is in those "things"?? He is still so much a part of my life, I always think about what he would say or do before I make a move... The only decision I made on my own was the bike purchase and I'm sure if he were here he would have agreed with me that it was a good deal. Does anyone really know how hard it is for me to go on, to make any decisions, to sleep in our bed, to look in his closet, to even look in the cupboards where "our" favorite cereal bowls are, to glance at one of his pictures on the mantle, to do laundry without his clothes in there.... this list is infinite. Should I just go to his family and tell them? Do I really need to prove anything to anyone...... vicki lee

GUILT

So tomorrow they are supposed to deliver my "new" bike! I am excited but at the same time I am feeling the most horrible guilt! Is it too soon, should I have just kept his bike in the garage, covered up? Will I actually have fun riding this year (if I go anywhere at all) or should I still be staying at home doing nothing? MAN!! This is one of those questions that I wonder if every new widow asks herself. How long before you start to "get on" with things... is 4 months a respectable amount of time before you do things, is it 6 months, is it 2 years? The main reason I moved so quickly on this purchase is 1) it was a great deal 2) it's my dream bike 3) who knows how long before another deal like this will come along 4) I was angry at him (again) for leaving me with all the crap he left..... I HATE this, cancer SUCKS, being a widow is HORRIBLE, sleeping alone, eating alone, walking alone, future planning alone..... vicki lee

4 Months

Well it's been 4 months now.... 4 months of hell - 4 months of crappy sleep - 4 months of eating too much or not enough - 4 months of being angry then not angry - 4 months of wondering - 4 months of discovery - 4 months of learning - 4 months of agony - 4 months of missing him - 4 months of feeling abandoned - 4 months of utter loneliness - 4 months of "So, how you doin?" - 4 months of decisions - 4 months of counting the days..... vicki lee

Hhhhmmmm!!

So I did it, I made my first major decision as an individual! No consulting, no arguing, no what ifs, just me - myself - and I.... I have had a number of friends tell me "good for you" and "congratulations", but I haven't heard a word from his family!! Do they think I am being unfaithful by not keeping his things? I would love to hear that they approve of me going forward with my life, starting to live, coming out of my funk..... vicki lee

Surrender

So my weekend started out great with a Saturday get together with my girls!! Went to church on Sunday like always, thought I would get away without seeing any of his family (they have all changed their regular church schedules since he passed) but all of a sudden here's his sister and her husband!! All of these emotions started flaring up inside me, wait you're in church keep yourself in check, I just wanted to blurt stuff out.... why haven't you invited me over for coffee since he passed, why are you embracing all the in-laws he had no respect for, did you know he took my name off of everything??? Now I have to think up a really good excuse as to why I'm not going to the bridal shower today, don't want to lie but I can't be around these people. They all think he was such a wonderful guy, and in ways he was and, I can't help myself, I still ache because he's gone but holy hell, he left with an enormous mess to clean up!! I would have never done that to him, I wouldn't have taken his name off of anything we were supposed to own "jointly" as in married couple as in life partners as in spouse. I'm tired, I don't want to deal with any of this anymore, I just want to surrender, get in my car and drive far, far away and never look back.... vicki lee

So tired

Well, the lawyer says shame on the bank and mortgage company and let them get the money out of a deceased person!!! Yeah right, like they aren't going to come and repossess the house right out from under me if I stop making payments. I am just so tired, I need to get motivated and start packing some stuff up, get a for sale sign, make up some fliers, put the house on craigslist, maybe talk to a real estate agent.... but I am so tired, just feel drained all the time. Having trouble sleeping again, thought about getting a second job but I don't know!! In case I haven't said this lately THIS SUCKS..... vicki lee

Big Day

Well, tomorrow is the big day!! Headed to the lawyer's office to see if I truly own the house or not! I'm thinking if I don't I am moving to a small apartment and let the SOB go back to the bank! My credit is destroyed and he isn't here so what difference does it make what his is. I am so deflated right now that I don't even care if I take a shower. I sit down in front of the mirror in the morning to put on makeup for work and just sit there looking into the mirror and saying 'why even bother'. I know, I know go to counseling... easier said than done! Can't afford the gas for the truck to make an extra trip every week, hell I can't even afford to pay attention! This really sucks..... vicki lee

What to do....

Here I sit, on the computer again, bored out of my mind, stressed to the max, confused, sad.... how many more words do I need!! Do I try to sell the house, how long will it be before the bike sells, should I trade them both in on a new one, should I try to plan any vacations, should I try and sell the truck or trade it in?? Did he really love me or was he just in it for what he could get, was he intentionally using me, did he know what I would have to go through, did he even care about what I would be going through? THIS IS SUCH A ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS.... How much longer will this go on??? I know, I know wait a year before you make any decisions but I just don't know if I can. Since I found out about the whole mortgage thing I just can't stay in this house anymore. It's not my house, I didn't pick it out, he never once ever said I did a good job decorating, he never complained about my housekeeping but what does that mean he just didn't care about it or it was never good enough for him to say anything. MAN if I have ever had a completely deflated ego and absolutely zero self esteem and self confidence it is right now. Who's fault is it? Do I blame him for letting me believe all these years that we actually had a relationship, do I blame myself for falling for everything he said and not being strong enough to question him and being so naive and trusting...... vicki lee

A Break

Man!!! I found this great villa in Wright City, perfect size, perfect layout, perfect price.... Talked to the real estate agent and she said the owners won't accept a contract on it unless you have cash in hand, they won't wait on me to sell my house!! I just can't seem to catch a break.... thought I had his bike sold (that would have gotten me out of debt) but that fell through, thought I found my perfect bike, it's already sold, thought I knew where my life was headed.... NOT!!! I keep hearing people say, wait a year, be patient, there will be other deals but I feel like I'm drowning. NOW gasoline has hit over $3 a gallon and I only get about 11 miles per gallon in his truck, WTF!!! Am I ever going to feel like I'm not spinning out of control..... I think not! vicki lee

Betrayal

Really feeling betrayed and used and so many other emotions right now that I can't even focus at work. I'm tired and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die!! Was our entire marriage just a way for him to get everything he wanted and have the life he wanted then leave me, not only with a huge hole in my heart, out in the cold with nothing to show for all the work I've done? I haven't said anything to my children and only told one friend and of course my supervisor knows because she was here when I got the information and I was in such shock that I had to tell someone. The question now is how do I react the next time I'm around any of his family and they start talking about what a great guy he was??? Oh well I really don't think that is going to happen I've been pretty much forgotten by most of them by now! Holy Crap is this a pity party for Vicki?? Well, maybe just a little, feeling really vulnerable and fragile and..... vicki lee

What the f***

Thought I had his bike sold.... NOT! The guy called and canceled! Thought I owned my house.... MAYBE NOT!!! Was going to try and work a deal for a new bike for myself and when I contacted the credit union and they did a background check on me, I'm not showing up on the mortgage for my house!! I thought I was over being mad at him but now I am about to explode! US Bank shocked me by telling me I wasn't on that loan, now the credit union is telling me I might not be on the mortgage!! Do I truly own anything? Have I just been working myself to death for years to find out in the end the only thing I own is the clothes on my back?? After 30 years of putting up with his crap and doing things and going places and being around people that I hated and didn't want to go and do and be, I find out it was all for him and I am not getting anything out of this.... I am about to just call it all quits pack up my old Jeep with my clothes and my dog and head west and never look back!!! vicki lee

Feeling sick

So, got a phone call from a guy that is serious about buying his motorcycle. I know I have to sell it, I am too intimidated by it to try and ride it. Maybe if I were a few years younger or even 100 pounds thinner and still working out like I used to!! It is really kinda making me feel sick to my stomach. If this guys decides to buy it how am I going to feel watching him ride off with it? Is it going to be like losing him all over again?? Or should I just start telling myself now that it is only a piece of machinery and whether I have it or not doesn't make any difference because having it will never bring him back! Still... vicki lee

Do you believe

So here's the question, do you believe the loved ones we've lost can come back to visit us??Do you believe there are people that can see and speak to the deceased?? Do you think there are some people that will tell you they have seen/talked to your loved one because they think it will make you feel better? I don't know what I believe but here's the thing.... I have been saying all along that I truly appreciate my friends for including me in their weekly dinner plans, I love them all. However, every time Friday rolls around and I know where everyone is going and how many are going to be there and who can/can't make it, I still very apprehensive about going. It's really hard to tell the waitress that I am alone and will be paying for just my dinner, what I used to say is "I'm with the tall, good looking guy at the other end of the table." So this morning when my phone rang and I raced to answer it I did not expect to have the following conversation....
"Hey Auntie Vicki Lee, how are you this morning?"
"Fine sugar what's up?"
"I just wanted to let you know that I had a dream about Uncle Beans last night and he told me to tell you that he is with you and everything is going to be okay and everyone needs to stop crying over him. He wanted you to know that even when you are walking into a restaurant and you are feeling alone that he is right behind you holding the door. He wanted to tell "Tinsel" that she will smell her mint it just takes a little time."

Now I don't know if the Niece that called me this morning reads this blog, I'm not sure she even knows it exists but if she does, I am so grateful for her being such a beautiful soul that she would want me to feel okay about going to dinner. If she doesn't read this blog or know if it's existence, then this whole thing makes me a little sad that he didn't come to me. But he always could tell everyone else how he felt before he could tell me.... vicki lee

Anger is gone

I'm done with being angry at him, I'm just so sad right now! I cry at everything, even having thoughts of total and complete withdrawal from friends, I don't even want to talk to my children or grand children. Driving into work my concentration is so bad I've missed my turn off a couple of times and had to double back. I can't stand to look at his picture anymore, I want to call the monument company to see how much longer before his headstone comes in because I want to go to the cemetery and just sit by his grave. I'd be doing that now but since they removed the temporary marker I can't find it (which just really throws me into a tailspin). I just want him back, and all I can think of is all the times we argued and how sorry I am that I ever said a harsh word to him. I know that is completely irrational because everyone has arguments and gets mad at one another but you just don't think about how hard it will be if they are gone until it happens. Going somewhere this weekend with some girlfriends and I am forcing myself to go, the thought of it just makes me cringe, I don't want their pitiful looks or their "So, how you doing?" remarks and questions. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs MY HUSBAND IS DEAD AND I AM SCARED AND SAD AND JUST WANT TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE SO I CAN BE WITH HIM..... vicki lee

So sad

Boy, oh boy, oh boy.... I am feeling so sad and depressed today!! Starting to feel really lonely, can't stand to look at pictures of him right now I've burst into tears twice today because his picture is on my computer screen saver. I know that I have to reach out to his family but I am really feeling like they don't even care what's going on with me. Maybe they don't, I know some of them only tolerated me because I was his wife (not my imagination have seen/heard/and felt what they can do to others that aren't "family"). I really don't want this to turn into a pity party, but I just want to know that they valued me for a little while... it's really hard to get motivated when you don't have anything to keep you going. I keep thinking about the whole "camper" issue, do I really want to subject myself to this? At this point the way they are embracing the "exes" of the family I'm afraid it will turn into something that I end up paying for and they end up using. It was supposed to be for a certain Niece, her children, me, my kids and my grands but now that her mother is back into the thick of the family I just feel like if I am not going to the lake she will be the one there and that is such a slap in the face to him, he did not like her nor did he have any respect for her but his family doesn't seem to care about that anymore and they certainly aren't respecting me.... this sucks so bad!!! vicki lee

Who's counting

Sssooooo..... on the 17th of February it will 3 months, 13 weeks, 90 days, 2,160 hours, 129,600 minutes and 7,776,000 seconds since he passed, but who's counting.... I AM DAMN IT!!! Every second that ticks by on the clock it's one more second without him. This sucks so bad, haven't been invited to one single thing since New Year's Eve with his family. I only think I was invited to that because his Niece needed a ride up there, she didn't even come home with me, I drove home alone!! When he was alive they respected him enough to not invite certain "X" in-laws to their homes but they don't respect me enough to do the same thing. NOW, the "X"es are being invited and I'm not!! Really says something for how much I was respected or for that matter even liked!! I thought I had a good relationship with his sister but she has even changed the time she comes to church so she doesn't have to run into me, and I haven't been invited to her house one time after church for coffee and that was a ritual when he was alive. Maybe I am just feeling really lonely and isolated because today is Valentine's Day, maybe because this is just one more "first" that I have to endure. Maybe I should stop having a pity party for myself and learn to deal with this crap, maybe not..... vicki lee

Travelling

So, went on an incredible trip with some of my girlfriends this past weekend, had a great time! Just one thing, when everyone else was getting "check in" phone calls from husband's, I was standing there with my face hanging out feeling really lonely and isolated. I know that checking in with a spouse is the completely normal and loving thing to do but I've got to admit, it made me a little jealous of my friends. I don't usually have those kinds of feelings but then again I've never been in this situation before, and I certainly would never say anything to them for fear it would make them uncomfortable. There are so many "firsts" to go through in this situation, I have really got to learn how to cope and deal with some of these feelings I'm having. I've never been envious or jealous of any of my friends, we all have different situations to deal with but this past weekend I was really feeling crappy! Oh well, just one more thing I am going to have to learn to deal with.... vicki lee

Grief...

This thing called "grief" is a funny thing. One minute I am thinking about all the fun and good times we had together and smiling and feeling calm and "together". The next minute I am so mad at him I could just scream, I start crying and throwing things around the house, jumping down people's throats and feeling like my life is completely out of control. I pray all the time to find some peace and for help to keep from falling apart at the slightest mention of his name or making financial decisions or life decisions. When you are two people there is always someone to bounce things off of and making decisions becomes easier and you get more perspective when someone else agrees with you or suggests other things. But alone... I feel like I'm just drifting in the middle of an emotional ocean, bobbing up and down with the waves, rolling from side to side and always watching for sharks! I'm not sleeping AGAIN!! There is a good thing about not sleeping, I've almost finished reading one book and have started another. I get these power surges when I'm not sleeping, I've cleaned the whole house, cleaned out some stuff that has been sitting in a bag since the funeral, cleaned the inside of the truck and if the weather was nicer I would have washed the truck, got my hair cut this morning, started packing for next weekend, did laundry, cleaned up after the dog..... grief sucks!

How long

How long am I going to have these fits?!?!?!? Got really pissed at him last night and threw all the pillows I had piled on his side of the bed on the floor. I'm sure the dog thought I had lost my mind, he kept running back and forth every time I picked up a pillow and threw it. Then it took me over an hour to go to sleep, then I was up and down all night, tossed and turned, had nightmares, woke up at least 3 times.... then got really pissed at him all over again because the alarm went off and I had to get up!! Hate having days off, yesterday all I did was look at pictures of him and think about what he would be doing right now if he were still here. I know his family misses him but sometimes I just want to scream when they put stuff on FB about how much they miss him!! They have absolutely no idea how hard it is to live in the house and go on day after day with him gone. They might miss him but I'm lost without him, I've lost my best friend, lover, companion, partner, confidante.... this list could go on for days! They have lost an uncle (with several others left to take his place) or a brother (again several others to fill the void) a cousin (too many to count) I've lost half of myself, the better half of myself, the half that kept me going when I was exhausted, the half that knew just how to make me laugh when I didn't want to, the half that I counted on when I was sad, the half that held me up when I was feeling attacked by the world, my dance partner, my drinkin buddy, my riding buddy...... vicki lee

60 Days

Everyone always talks about how time flies... It has been 60 days, since he left this earth. Went to the cemetery today and couldn't find him (his headstone isn't in yet) thought I would explode. I just kept walking up and down the rows of graves trying to figure out where the ground felt a little higher than everywhere else. Couldn't find him so I sat in the truck and cried and yelled for about 10 minutes, then just drove around for an hour or so. I just feel so lost without him sometimes, like I don't belong anywhere. I go out for dinner with friends, although it is really nice to share with them, it is really hard to be the only single person in the group. Went to a family (his) function and felt REALLY out of place, just kept thinking about how much he would have enjoyed watching all the kids do karaoke and dance, then in church this morning when they called the kids up to go have bible study, I remembered how very much he loved seeing all the little kids. Not sure what I'm going to do about the truck or the bikes, do I sell them or keep them, do I just ride mine this coming season or do I try and have his modified. I'm scared to ding his truck I'm probably going to feel the same way about the bike!! Not sure if I will ever get over this.... vicki lee

Straight Talk

I know that I'm not supposed to make any decision for a year but I feel like I'm backed in a corner! I'm struggling to get a handle on this anger, but I still feel the need to not give myself any value. I was talking to my boss (sometimes she is a good sounding board) and telling her I was going to sell his truck. I can't park the darn thing and it is killing me to keep gas in it. I made an offer to my brother-in-law but I was thinking about giving him a deal and asking far less than what the truck it is worth. "WHAT!!" she said, "Why would you do that, you need to look in the mirror and ask who is giving you a deal?" She's right, I have things that need to be paid for, I want to be debt free and, if I'm going to stay in the house, I am going to need to get myself set up so I can pay for repairs. Sometimes I just need someone to give it to me straight, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but sometimes I need to be told that I have worth.... vicki lee

Friends

They say if you can count your TRUE friends on one hand you are doing really good in life. Well I must be doing incredibly well... I have a group of friends that are always there for me and going through this grieving thing right along with me. I know that if I need anything I have at least a dozen numbers in my cell phone that I can call and ask them for almost anything and they will come through for me. I just hope and pray that this depression/anger/crazy period in my life doesn't send them screaming and running through the streets shouting "Please don't let her call me or come near me again." I am truly blessed...... vicki lee

HHHHEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!

I have become a raving lunatic.... I scream at people when I'm driving, i bite my son's head off, I've called perfect strangers SOB, thrown a temper tantrum in the middle of a store. I thought I would start feeling like I have a little bit of control over things now that I'm "running the show" so to speak. I feel like I am spiraling OUT of control, I need to do something to keep myself occupied. Going to try an exercise class tonight, thinking about taking some classes at the community college, maybe get a second job in the evenings, anything that keeps me from sitting around and thinking about him and the life we USED to have! I have to keep reminding myself I am no longer a we, an us, a couple.... vicki lee

Holidays

So I've made it through the "holidays" without him. Standing around watching other couples kiss on New Year's Eve was really, really hard. I can remember him and I would start looking for each other around 11:45 pm to make sure we were the first person we kissed and hugged at midnight. And one of his "traditions" was to eat pickled Herring at 12:05am. MAN!! That is the nastiest tasting stuff in the whole world but he insisted it brought us good fortune for the new year so I ate it, year after year after year. Well, this year I didn't eat any so we will see what happens, if I have a terrible year (can't imagine it being any worse than the one I just went through) I will start eating that crap every year!! My heart breaks every time I think of him, every time I look at a picture, every time someone says remember when.... will I ever be "normal" again!! vicki lee