Facade

Seriously thinking again about moving west!! Don't know how much more I can keep smiling and telling people I'm ok!! I'm not ok, can't sleep, either can't eat or eat so much I throw up, all I want to do is sit in a bar and get drunk!! Haven't done that yet just really want to, don't have any friends that do that kind of thing and too scared to go alone... then again, alcohol is a depressant and the ONE thing I don't need right now is something to make me more depressed. Just keep the facade going for a little while longer till I get the sign from God or Bernie or someone, somehow that tells me what to do. Scared to death to make a decision for fear it will be the wrong one. CRAP!!! This really sucks, it was so easy before when it was him and I, we made decisions together, we thought about things as a couple, we used each other as an excuse to get out of sticky situations. Now I don't have anyone but me and I don't trust me....