It's over

On Tuesday, November 16, 2010 at 8:10am I lost my best friend in the whole world. He took 3 final breaths and let the angels take him to heaven to be with the family that has gone on before him. I keep questioning myself, did I tell him enough that I loved him, did he know how much I appreciated the little things he did, did I take him for granted, did he know what an impact he had on my life? This list could go on for days, the one thing I know for sure is that I loved him more than anything in this universe. I would have given him anything, done anything, said anything, sacrificed anything for him. If he wanted to sell everything and live in a box I would have gone with him, I would have sold my soul to keep him near me.... I will miss watching him breathe at 2 o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep, the way he made me laugh, his quirky way of doing things, his grilled cheese sandwiches, Sunday morning breakfasts and Saturday night favorite TV shows. I'll never again feel his strong arms around my waist or his sweet breath on my neck, never again hold his huge hands or be able to rub the back of his neck the way he liked. The ache I feel in my heart is unlike any other ache I've ever felt, I've felt the disappointing ache a mother feels when her child lets her down but this is different, this feels like a never ending, chest crushing ache that takes my breath away when I think of living without him. I know I have to go on, I have children and grand children but this ache, this ache..... will it ever end? vicki lee

Family

When a person has cancer it doesn't only affect that person's spouse or significant other, it affects their entire family.... children, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews etc, etc. The best thing the sick person's family can do is be supportive of their spouse. I thought I had their love and support until my "meltdown"!! Now I have this person coming in and out of my house totally disrespecting me, I mean there isn't so much as a glance in my direction let alone a greeting (civil or otherwise). The worse thing is I just want to tell him to get the hell out of my house, but I'm not like that!! The thing is, in the 30 years we have been together, NO ONE knows what my husband and I have been through, talked about, laughed about, cried about, discussed or decided and even though his illness and certain death is hard on everyone, it is hardest on ME!!! The only thing I need right now is people to just be there. I know some of them think that I don't like having them around all the time or all of them at once but I don't mind because when everyone is gone it's just me, watching him slowly fade away.... CANCER SUCKS!!! vicki lee

Meltdown!!

I know it's been a while since I blogged anything but I have been totally wrapped up in getting him settled in and learning all about Hospice!! Back to getting someone to sit with him day and night if I'm not there, and learning to let other people help me. Had a major meltdown yesterday, after telling him for the 3rd time that the doctor has stopped all treatments and he is very, very sick.... he looked me straight in the face and said "You did this to me, this is all your fault." Then when our son said 'dad you don't mean that', he looked him straight in the face and said "You are not my son, stop calling me dad!" Then my son lost it and had to leave the house!!! To top off the rest of my meltdown day, his family starts showing up and he is all happy and sitting up in the wheelchair and drinking a beer and eating hamburgers and talking to everyone! Now THAT just sent me over the deep end. I was ready to move out of my house and let his family move in and take care of him, or move him into his brother's house and let them take care of him there. Then the more I thought about it the more I could hear God's voice saying to me.... I have given you very broad shoulders and now I'm giving you permission to show that you are not a super human and you have to get rid of your pride and start asking for and accepting help, you are my child and I will get you through this, he will be with Me in heaven and then it will be my turn to take care of him... vicki lee

Friends

They say that you never know how many "friends" you have until you come into money or have a crisis! Well, there is still no money but I know exactly how blessed we truly are. After my entry yesterday my house, phone and email were full of prayers, kind words and special thoughts from our friends. I know how important they all are and how they are going to help me through this process... thank you, you will never know how very much it means to me to know you are there! vicki lee

Doctor visit

This morning the doctor ordered Hospice care for him.... he says it is getting close to the end! Didn't really need a doctor's degree to tell me that, I live with him, I see it every day, I'm the one watching this process happen right before my eyes. Sold his HD this past weekend, what a horrible thing that was. We were going to go on trips together, rides the bikes as far as we could for about 2 days, spend a day where ever we ended up then ride them back home in 2 days. His family thinks I want to sell it because I want the money but they really have no idea how hard this is on me as well. All of our plans for the future are gone, there is no future, it's gone, our dreams, our plans, all of it!! vicki lee