Long Time

It's been a while since I posted anything, haven't really felt like posting. Some days I think it's getting easier then a memory comes flooding back or a smell hits me or a song on the radio and all the grief and pain come surging back. I have stopped crying uncontrollably, now it's just quiet sobbing and sometimes it's just the lump in my throat and tears rolling down my cheeks. I find myself feeling angrier than I think I should. And it's the simplest things that set me off and I've even snapped at strangers for no apparent reason or for reasons that would have never set me off before. Although this blog has helped me with some very deep and private feelings I think it's time to talk to a professional. I can't continue to feel this anger, although it's supposed to be a "stage" of the grieving process I just need to be reassured that I'm not too angry and I would really like to know how long this is supposed to last and what will the next stage be and how long is it going to be before I can feel somewhat "normal". I'll let you know what happens..... vicki lee

30 days

So yesterday was the 30 day mark.... he's been gone for one whole month, it feels like yesterday and I keep waiting for him to call me or come in the front door. I thank heaven for my friends, I thought they would have all slowly dropped off of the contact wagon by now but there are some that are still there. I've gone through my "first" Thanksgiving without him, my "first" anniversary without him and now I will be going through my "first" Christmas and New Year. I can remember a time when I used to look forward to my "firsts".... now I dread them.

Bad timing

So, it's winter and, although I dislike the word hate, I HATE the winter. I am stuck in the house or my office, no sunshine, no fresh air, no birds. Winter on top of this empty black hole I feel looming in my heart and mind, I am not a very happy girl. Now lets throw in Christmas and happy songs, and people saying Merry this and Happy that, I'm just not sure how much more I will be able to take before I just blow a gasket!!! I'm not sleeping again, waking up 2-3 times feeling for him in the bed, or getting up looking for him in the living room or bathroom. I believe in God and I pray for Him to give me solace and peace but the only thing I know for sure is God does not have the best timing. I know it's his timing and we are supposed to be joyful about what we get when we get it but really God, this is not just bad timing, it seems like cruel and unusual punishment...... vicki lee

What do I do!

Well this coming Sunday would have been our 29th wedding anniversary... have already made some arrangements to go somewhere in the evening but not looking forward to being in the house or alone!! What I would like to do is curl up in a ball, on the end of my couch, in my bathrobe and slippers. No phone calls, no internet, no texting, no TV, just me a box of tissues and 10 gallons of ice cream!! I had no idea it would be this hard, I keep asking myself over and over again, what do I do about the house, the truck, the bike, the bills, my life..... vicki lee