Forever

It's been forever since I've been on here and I just don't know why. Maybe it's because I am trying really hard to move forward with my life... but it isn't as easy as one would think. I miss him more now than ever, and I'm talking my self out of going places and making excuses to friends and family as to why I can't attend functions. I've avoided seeing anyone from his family just about as long as I can. The first thing that happens will be them remembering him and how hard it is for them to not be able to talk to him or see him. It's just really hard for me to hear them say that, I just want to scream and say do you have ANY idea how hard it is for ME to live without him day after day?!?!?! We lived together for over 30 years, I saw him or talked to him every day, I slept with him, I ate with him, I cried with him, I laughed with him, I traveled with him, I had his hand to hold and his shoulder to cry and sleep on and you think it is hard for YOU because you can't call him once or twice a month or because you don't get to have coffee with him a couple times a week.... this pain is forever and I know it, this pain will never diminish, this anguish that I feel every time I think about him is forever.