So much time has gone by since I last blogged.... I really need to get back into doing this again, it kind of gives me a release of pain, frustration and angst when I see my thoughts in print. In past posts I've stated how I am "changing" things up, learning to "move forward", starting a "new life" etc. etc. Well, truth is, nothing could be further from the truth. I miss him more and more by the minute, and it is harder and harder to go to bed without him, eat without him, I can't even force myself to go to Church without him. I know he would really want me to move on and start living but I just don't want to. Where am I ever going to find someone like him? I'm not, there is just no way around it there are no "REAL" men left in the world. The only way to find someone like him would be to marry one of his brothers. The only single brother he has left is like my brother so that will never happen... Here are the words to a new tattoo I'm going to get, just not sure where I'm going to put it, but it sums up exactly how I feel every minute of every day.
"In time, in time they tell me, I'll not feel so bad.
I don't want time to heal me.
There's a reason I'm like this.
I want time to set me ugly and knotted with loss of you, marking me.
I won't smooth you away
I can't say goodbye."
About Me
- Vicki Lee
- St. Charles, Missouri, United States
- With all the technology we have in this world why is it so hard to find a cure for cancer?
I love you!!!
ReplyDeletethat was from me jen noonan lol
ReplyDeleteLOL, Jen! Katie
DeleteAunt Vicki,
ReplyDeleteI never knew about your blog until today. I just spent time reading through many of your posts from the last two years and was crying, laughing and even rolling my eyes (stick with me, here) at the things you wrote. After reading, I felt the need to tell you that you are 100% normal in how you have been feeling. Of course you have good days, and bad days. It is my prayer for you that you recognize more good days than bad. I also pray very specifically that you see good moments in the midst of your bad days. 30 years is a lifetime, and starting over is almost impossible, but you are doing it, step-by-step and day-by-day ... sometimes minute-by-minute. Will it ever get easier? Some days, that answer will be no. Hopefully soon, most days that answer will be a little bit -- you will be able to smile a little easier, breathe a little deeper and laugh a little louder. Not because you miss him or love him less, but because you have learned how to live still -- and it is a good thing to live.
Now, onto the scolding, if you will allow me. If not, well, stop reading knowing that I love you ...
First off: DO NOT EVER STOP YOURSELF FROM HAVING FUN because you are worried about what people, especially family members, will think. In fact, I want you to go back to your friend and tell her to post that picture on FB with the squid-thing and your finger up your nose. I want to see that you are okay on some days and that picture would show me that! Here is the bottom line: you are loved and important. I know that these are "just words", but I hope you can truly hear them. You hold a place in our family that no other person in the world can fill and, no matter what, it is important for you to be in our family.
It is normal to wonder and question about your role in life, in the circles you ran in as a couple. It is normal to question his love for you because he is no longer here in person to reassure you. It is my hope that on the days when you question and wonder, you go back to the truth that you know in the deepest place of your heart -- he chose you. He chose you for 30 years (of course, you chose him, too, but I am making a point here - giggle). If that doesn't tell you how much he loved you, I don't know what will. Did he leave you a mess? Yep. Have you done a fantastic job cleaning it up? Yes. Any maybe that, in a strange way, is a gift because you have learned that you do have value, that you can make decisions, that you are important.
I hope this comment isn't offensive to you -- that is never my intent. I hope it is encouraging and even perspective-giving. I love you, Aunt Vick.
Here is a bible verse that came to mind while I was reading your posts:
Isaiah 40:31 NIV
[B]ut those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Soar, Aunt Vicki!
Love,
Katie
Very nice Katie. I got tears in my eyes. My love didn't die, but left me. I do know what Vicki is going through, but in somewhat a different way.
ReplyDeleteTo Vicky, No man will replace your love, I know. A new man is just a void filler. I'm not trying to bring you down, I just want you to know your not alone in your grief. I have good days and bad still too. My youngest son is getting married July 2013 and I will be around him. Thinking all the aweful thoughts I want to say but won't and all the ache to hold him, but I won't. It is my sons big day and I will put on my happy face and fake the event for my baby. I am so lonely even remarried. I love my new man, but I'm still "IN-love" with the past. What a black hole I live in.