Here we are another day closer to the 2nd anniversary of his death.  I had a dear friend of mine, that lost her husband, tell me the 2nd year is worse than the first, now I understand what she meant.  After all the shock and numbness wears off and the family and friends get back to their normal lives you are left with your thoughts and memories.  The thoughts of total inadequacy, abandonment, anger and that black empty hole in your heart.  Don't get me wrong I am very blessed to have a wonderful network of loving caring friends and family that I speak with on a daily basis.  They are very encouraging and reassuring that the decisions I am making are not ALL wrong. But still...  there is that black empty hole that I fall into at night, when I go to bed, when I reach for his pillow, when I listen for him stirring in the night, when a fleeting thought crosses my mind to check his prescriptions for refill, when the shower head breaks and I have no idea how to fix it, when I cry and need his arms to hold and comfort me.....