Brothers

So my sister-in-law is having a lumpectomy tomorrow morning and he wants to be there for his brother. I was scared to death that he would try and drive (been trying to keep him out of the truck) however, one of brothers is picking him up in the morning and another brother is bringing him home tomorrow afternoon. This really takes a load off my mind, I freak every time the phone rings when I know he's driving. I mean think about this; I handed him his meds this morning so I would know he took them, so then I get a phone call at work asking me if he took them. If he can't remember if he took pills does he really think he can drive a car??? Oh well, it is what it is.... vicki lee

Sundays.....

After church today we went to see my sister-in-law, she is having breast surgery on Tuesday. She was recently diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer they are doing a lumpectomy, she is not worried but I am still praying. Anyway.... he stayed awake most of the day and is actually still awake and it's after 9pm. WOW, maybe just maybe he will sleep tonight instead of getting up and down all night. Sleep deprivation does strange things to people, he is having trouble putting sentences together again, and his thought train keeps jumping the tracks. He says the dog walks all night long on the bed and that's what's keeping him awake. THE DOG WEIGHS 4 POUNDS, how can you feel that? I think he is grasping at straws and just looking for any excuse. Also realized this weekend that I am going to be handing him meds every morning and night, he is forgetting on some days and doubling up the next day. Oh well such is the life with a husband who is older and ill!!! vicki lee

Seriously....

So, met him at the grocery store last night, he is FINALLY using the handicapped placard. Since I didn't feel like cooking dinner when we got home and I knew he wouldn't be able to, I suggested we grab a burger and take it home to eat. He agreed, then I said, why don't you get the burgers and meet me at the house (we had both cars). That way I can carry all the groceries in and put them away before he even pulls in the driveway. Decision made, he is going to Sonic, I want a bacon cheeseburger and nothing else. He leaves the parking lot before me and as I'm driving by McDonald's (next door to Sonic) there he is in the drive thru!! Call his cell phone, goes right to voicemail, try it again, it rings 5 times and goes right to voicemail..... oh well I guess I'm eating Mickey D's for dinner. I go home carry everything in, put everything away and he pulls in the garage with a Sonic bag!! Imagine my surprise, so I take the bag and start taking things out, and the only thing in the bag is a foot long cheese coney!! Where's my bacon cheeseburger?? So I ask him, honey, where's my dinner? "Funny Vic, very funny!" What do you mean funny?? "You know what I mean, I know you got your own food!" Bern, I am broke between now and my next payday how could I get any food, I saw you at the drive thru at McDonald's. "Yeah, I went to McDonald's and after I went to the first window I thought I was done so I went to Sonic and got my foot long." Allrighty then, I guess I'm eating left overs for dinner and I'm cooking as well!!! "I'll got back and get you something, what do you want?" Never mind, it doesn't matter, I'll find something in the fridge to eat.... vicki lee

Now I'm scared

Well, he just called me at work (doesn't always happen)... He wanted to know his cell phone number, so I gave it to him. Then I asked him are you okay, where are you? "I'm at home, everything is fine." Bernie why did you want your cell phone number.... "Wait, I didn't want my cell phone number I wanted my bank account number." (I have NEVER had this, we have separate accounts) What the heck is going on??? Is he having another medication reaction? He is doubling up on his Xanex, could that be what's going on? Still having trouble sleeping, then yesterday he calls me to tell me the doctor says 'the pain pills are just for pain they are not to help you sleep'.... I have been telling him that for months now!! Maybe when I tell him this stuff I should put on a white lab coat with my name embroidered on it! That might make him believe that I know what I'm talking about, I doubt it...... vicki lee

Tired

Well, he is having more and more trouble sleeping again. Not sure if it's a side effect of the new chemo or the pain in his back. All I know is I'm staying awake and waking up to see if he's in the bed or in the recliner. Went to bed last night at 10:30 (as usual) woke up at 11:30 looking for him, woke up again at 12:45, then woke up again at 1:45 and he was in bed but, I WAS WIDE AWAKE!! So I got up and watched TV until 3:00 when he got up and went back to the recliner.... do you see a pattern emerging here? All I know is it's going to be a very hard day trying to keep my thoughts straight. Exhaustion is not conducive to a good day at work..... vicki lee

Giving up

Anyone who knows me and my husband, knows that he is/was/always will be a very domineering man. He has made 99.9% of all decisions that were ever made in our home, he has also dictated, pretty much, where I go and who I go with. Also, as anyone who knows us, I never did a lot on my motorcycle unless he was with me. His excuse always was "What if something happens and I'm not there?" My answer always was, if anything is going to happen it will happen whether you are there or not. So, imagine my shock and surprise when he agreed to let me go on a ride this past Sunday without him. Imagine my shock and surprise at myself for going!!! He is having a lot of back pain again and trouble sleeping, which makes the pain seem worse. He even skipped church, something we very rarely do! I am starting to get more and more worried, even with him starting a new chemo, he just seems to be getting weaker. I pray that he isn't giving up!! Don't know if I blame him though, he has been through hell and he can hardly do anything anymore without getting worn out within 5 minutes. I pray anyone reading this never ever has to watch a loved one wither and fade away... vicki lee

Rude people

Went to the grocery store last night.... He is really moving slower than usual, but he did run around all day finding parts to fix a toilet. In the grocery store we just take our time and walk very casually up and down the aisles discussing if we did/didn't need anything from that particular area. Then it started, first it was the women in the high heels and business suit, cell phone tucked under her chin, barking about "I will be there first thing in the morning", sighing heavily and clicking her tongue because we weren't moving fast enough. Next we have the "soccer moms" with 1-3 kids in/out/hanging onto their carts, which are crammed full of juice boxes and Fruit Loops, screaming at this one "No you can't have that", while the littlest one cries with snot running down it's face, reaching in front of us like we weren't even standing there!!! PEOPLE!!! Stop, slow down, remember how precious life is, the groceries, meetings, mini vans, jobs will all be there tomorrow but your loved one might not be. Stop being so rude, smile, say excuse me, make eye contact with people, wait 5 seconds before you get your panties in a wad..... vicki lee

Real world

Well, it's back to the real world and the grind!! Didn't sleep worth a dang last night (wishing I was still at the lake) neither did he. Doctor's office called me this morning, his blood pressure is up so they are playing with his meds again. Doctor says fatigue is just a part of his life now, nothing really can be done because of his illness and medications. Would really like to get some riding in before summer is over but I'm not sure how to approach the subject with him, I know he can't hold that bike up anymore and I certainly don't want to leave him behind. WHAT DO I DO??? vicki lee

Time off

Well, just got back from 4.5 days at Mark Twain Lake. Totally relaxed and can't remember when I have slept that well. These past few days have shown me just how weak and frail he is.... we did spend a lot of time with family and I'm glad for that, he has wonderful nieces and nephews that just adore him and they took care of most of the "heavy" stuff that I usually do. (helping him up/down out of chairs, getting him a drink or snack etc, etc) So it was nice to not have to be "on watch" all the time. He really had a great time as well, his sister and one of her daughters were in from Michigan (wish they all lived here) so that was good. AAANNNDDD he treated me like a queen, I didn't have to do any cooking. Did do some cleaning but that's just me needing things to be a certain way. We took the dog and he didn't even yell like a maniac when the dog barked!! This may sound a little gruesome but could this be a sign of the end of his time with me? My prayer is that it isn't even close to that time!! Even though he makes me crazy and sometimes I think I just can't take any more, we've been together 30 years and I love him very much. vicki lee

V A C A T I O N

Yes, I'm taking a few days off from work (maybe)... Thought I had everything squared away that the boss wanted then, the phone rang! I have to explain what "Umbrella Policy" means and I'm not sure if I will be able to do it to her satisfaction. On another note, I was told last night that I really don't care about him!!

R I G H T ..... can you sense sarcasm when you read it? If I don't care why do I sit up nights sometimes just to watch him breath, or research the newest drug he's taking to find out what the true side affects will be, or spend night after night in a hospital room sleeping in uncomfortable chairs, or make his bed after he's been in it all day because he's uncomfortable and the nurses are too busy to do it? This list could go on for days!!! I'm just focused on taking a few days off and doing nothing. vicki lee

It hits again

Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again.... CANCER SUCKS!! Just found out my sister-in-law has breast cancer. I've reached the point where, if I hear of one more person that I love or care about has cancer I'll disappear to a remote island somewhere never to be heard from again. I am so tired of people being sick!! I need a vacation but won't take one because right now I can't stand being around him. He is mean, and controlling, and crabby and I'm sick of filling his pill holder and sick of remembering the doctors visits and sick of reminding him to wear short sleeve shirts and sick of talking to the drug company. All I want is for him to be nice to the dog and not put restrictions on EVERYTHING!! I want to sell everything and move into a small apartment or trailer somewhere, have enough money at the end of the month to go out and enjoy ourselves once in a while, or plan a vacation with no restrictions! I really miss going out for dinner at a NICE restaurant, having a couple of glasses of wine and ordering anything from the menu I want... vicki lee

Depression

Don't know what's happening, can't get out of this funk. He is just being a jerk!! We had a small vacation planned, his sister from Michigan is even planning to join us! Before we even get close to leaving he starts telling me what we can and can't do, where we can and can't go, who we can and can't see! It's my vacation too, so i started crying and couldn't tell him why so we just stopped talking AGAIN! Then yesterday (Sunday) around 5:30 I went into the kitchen and made myself a sandwich. Sundays are usually do what you want for food day!! Then he got up and went into the kitchen and made a sandwich, on the way back into the kitchen when he was finished... "Thanks for offering to make me a sandwich".... WHAT?!?!?! Are you serious!! I'm really getting tired and worn out and depressed, can't seem to do anything right, don't have enough money to move out, no family I can turn to... vicki lee

Better days

First, HOORAY it's Friday!! Was thinking of canceling the few days of vacation I had planned for next week but I don't think I'm going to, the work will be here when I get back. So, we are going out for dinner AGAIN tonight. He is really feeling much better, starts a new IV chemo next Wednesday, has treatments every 2 weeks. Usually what happens he starts a new drug, it works really well for a few months, then his kidney (he only has one) and liver functions start to go haywire and they take him off of it. Then we hit a rough patch, different side effects from the drug and the kidney and liver being off and the cancer starts growing again... Anyway, we will see what we see. Since we know that the cancer is growing fairly rapidly in his lymph system, his bones and the original tumor wrapped around his esophagus, any kind of treatment to fight it is welcome!! But for now we are having some better days and we are going to thoroughly enjoy them... vicki lee

GGRRRRR

The old saying that men are big babies when they are sick is sssooooo true!! All I asked him to do last night was hold the dog (he weighs 4 lbs) while I clipped the dogs claws. He threw such a hissy fit that I finally relinquished and now I'm looking for a groomer or vet that will do it for not a lot of money. I mean really, it's a 4 pound little dog, I can't hold him and clip and file at the same time (he doesn't like having it done). Anyway, he is such a whiner... vicki lee

Not again

We are having the "motorcycle" conversation again. Since he is feeling better and his appetite is improving he thinks he is all better and can go back to all the things he did before(he cut the grass in the backyard yesterday in 100 degree heat). The one thing he fails to see is he is still very frail and unsteady on his feet. If you've never ridden a motorcycle they are heavy and sometimes hard to hold upright. His weighs a whopping 800 pounds and once it starts tipping over it is sometimes impossible to hold, he has already dropped it a couple of times in the garage and had to call a neighbor to come help him pick it up. Don't get me wrong, I would love for him to ride again I don't ride mine because I don't want to leave him behind. Doctor is supposed to give him his new chemo regimen today so we will see what the side affects are from that before we get too panicked about him riding again. UUGGHHH going through all this stuff all I can think of is no no no not again!!! vicki lee

It is what it is

Ya know, Cancer is a strange disease.... Usually the only way it is detected is by a medical test i.e. xray, ct scan, bone scan, mri, mammogram. The other strange thing about cancer is until you know you have it and you are being treated it doesn't hurt. I mean most women who have breast cancer didn't have any pain or discomfort before they were diagnosed. Same way with kidney cancer, he didn't know anything was wrong until he started urinating blood. NOTE: some folks think they have a kidney or urinary tract infection when they see blood in their urine, so they don't go to the doctor right away. BIG MISTAKE!!! Anytime blood is coming out of your body from an orifice that usually doesn't spew blood GO TO THE DOCTOR! He is actually doing fairly good right now. Huge thanks to the prayers from all the Religious of the Sacred Heart and my very dear friends and family. The one thing I know for sure, in a month or so we will probably be going through some other kind of crisis.... it is what it is. vicki lee

Great Weekend

SSSOOO.... We actually had one of the best weekends we've had in 6 months. Friday night went to dinner with family and he ate an entire strip steak!! Couldn't get him to touch the potato or anything else but I'll take what I can get. Saturday couldn't get him out of the recliner (I shouldn't expect so much I guess). Sunday, went to Mass, went to lunch with family ended up staying longer than expected and missed a farewell reception for a dear friend. BUT, he ate a big lunch, participated in the conversation and didn't poop out for almost 2 1/2 hours. It's amazing what a blood transfusion will do for you, and the nasty liquid medicine he's taking to improve his appetite is really working. The best part of the weekend, he can still make me laugh!!! vicki lee