HOORAY!!

Really busy this morning so just a quick note, he actually made himself some breakfast this morning. Oatmeal, his favorite, he only ate about 6 bites but he got up and made the effort!! This ladies & gentlemen is progress, how sad is it that your husband eating 6 spoons of oatmeal is progress. Cancer (in any form) is a bitch!! Blessings to any and all that are going through it with us! vicki lee

Thanking God

This morning he started ANOTHER new medication to improve his appetite. (I clearly do not have a problem with my appetite) It is liquid and he has to take 4 teaspoons a day in the morning. If it were me I would just continue to not have an appetite, I am not a liquid medication person, gags me every time. He shakes the bottle, grabs a spoon, sits down at the kitchen table, opens the bottle and proceeds to slurp down 4 teaspoons of this white, chalky, foul smelling, liquid. "Does it taste bad?" I very quietly ask. "It tastes terrible, worse than the stuff I have to drink for the bone and CT scans. At least that stuff is banana or vanilla flavored." It's at that moment that I am thanking God for my health and the fact that I don't have to go through any of that. Then I thank God for letting me have him, cancer and all, for as long as I've had him, and I vow to NEVER argue with him again. Now I know that we will argue again, it's human nature to disagree and, I happen to be a very emotional person. But I know how truly blessed we are that his cancer hasn't been the kind that requires the "nasty" chemo were you hair falls out and you are always throwing up. Don't get me wrong, ANY form of cancer is no picnic but God is putting us through this fire for a very important reason and when it's my time to go I'll understand what that test is, until then I'm still thanking Him for everything. (including the arguments) vicki lee

Alrighty then

So, I wasn't included on the doctor visit this morning!! Nothing unusual when he wants the doctor to think he's doing better, he tells me I don't have to go with him. BUT the transfusion last week did some good, his blood counts look good, kidney function looks good so now we are starting a new pill to help with his appetite (lost another pound) and next week a new chemo drug therapy. I swear we could have had a deck and pool built onto the house for what we have spent on medication. I wonder if any of that stuff could be sold on the street?? Oh yeah, we still aren't really speaking to each other I just called to get a doctor update, can't help myself... Didn't ask if the doctor said he could ride the bike again or not, just gonna wait and see what happens. vicki lee

Advice

We had "the" conversation!! I told him one time about 5 years ago that I would never have this conversation with him again but I couldn't keep my promise. I always tell young women to make sure, no matter what kind of relationship they are in, always make sure you have enough of your own money to move out or change your situation if you feel there is no other way around your issues. Well I have not taken my own advice, I don't WANT to move out but at this point for my own sanity it's probably the best thing for me to do! Having said that, it's not going to happen. There are so many reasons why other than the fact that he's sick. Three quarters of my paycheck goes into paying the household bills and there isn't enough left to pay for another place. I actually could list a dozen reasons why but I won't, I'll just sit here and think about not giving anymore young women relationship advice!!

So be it...

Well, it's Monday and things are about the same with one exception. He plans on riding the motorcycle again if the doctor tells him he has no restrictions on what he can and can't do... And, as you can well imagine this started a huge argument which has now led to us not speaking AGAIN!!! And, as usual, he made me feel like I hadn't done anything to contribute to our marriage or our home. Okay God, if this is really where I'm supposed to be then so be it, if this is the way I'm supposed to feel all the time then so be it.

No control

If I've heard it once I've heard it a million times.... "Vicki, you can't control him". Last night he made that crystal clear to me AGAIN! I simply asked if I could move my motorcycle closer to the front of the garage so that in the morning if I want to ride we don't have to go through all the hassle of moving his truck and bike before I can get mine out. (keep in mind that his weight has plummeted from 240 to 185 and he has trouble standing by himself) And he got upset with me and said "Well what's going to happen when I decide I want to go riding..." ARE YOU SERIOUS!! I burst into tears and all he could do was ask what's the matter?? Should I not dash his hopes, should I let him believe that he might someday ride the bike again, should I just let him drive the truck and not worry that his reaction time is less than half of what it used to be? How do I explain things if he kills someone else or himself? Since he is so ill do I just let him do whatever he wants? Is he in denial or am I putting him in a wheelchair to soon??

Okay, I go to the doctor with him, I hear what the doctor is saying, I take in the magnitude of the diagnosis and I deal with it. Then someone from the family calls and they ask me what is going on and I think they deserve to know what is going on with him just as much as I do. Then HE gets on the phone, "I'm doing great, I feel good, just a little bit of an energy problem, the doctor says I'm fine...." does he just not hear the doctor, is he just trying to sugar coat it for his family, do I not deserve a little sugar coating??? I'm the one who has to deal with the diagnosis, I'm the one who has to make sure he takes the correct meds at the correct time, I'm the one who has to monitor the pain meds to make sure he isn't over medicating, I'm the one awake with him half the night because he can't sleep, I'm the one who has to watch him waste away, I'm the bad guy when I force him to eat something. I know, I know for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I just need to not feel like such a fool after he takes his cell phone into the bathroom with him and makes a follow up call to his family to make sure they know he's okay! Is it me..... vicki lee

"Vic... Vic", is someone talking to me, I'm sleeping go away. "Vic...Vic", I realize it's him standing over me at the side of the bed. I shoot straight up out of a sound sleep, "What's the matter, are you okay, did you fall, what's going on?" I can't get the questions out fast enough, standing up now, reaching for my shirt, going through the 911 call I'm going to make. "It's 7 o'clock you're going to be late for work", it can't be 7am it's still dark outside. Looking at the clock it's 3:45am, "It's okay honey, I have time, it's only 3:45, see look at the clock." "Are you sure, because the clock in the living room says 7." After much reassurance and discussion I finally convince him that it is still the wee hours of the morning and I crawl back in bed hoping to be able to slip back into a bit of a nap. This is a recurring scenario for us right now, he is more and more confused and I am more and more frightened for him and myself. God please don't let his mind go, you can have everything I have, my health, my mind, my home anything just please don't take his mind..... bargaining with God never works but it does make one feel a little more hopeful! Vicki Lee

It's all in a day's work

This is the first day of my blog and I'm hoping to touch a heart, answer a question or ease some pain. As you can tell by the title my husband has cancer, we have been fighting this disease since 1993 when he was first diagnosed and lost his left kidney. He was then diagnosed again in 2003 and then again in 2005. It's been a rough road and an enlightening one, we've learned how to deal with pain, drug reactions, depression and downward spirals. The catalyst for me starting this was him needing another blood transfusion today and the realization that I just needed to talk to someone. So, I'm talking to you.... thanks for listening! Aunt Vicki Lee