So here's the situation today....  I ride an HD motorcycle, when B was alive we rode together all the time.  We've done some amazing trips together, trips I will NEVER forget, more fun than the law allows.  I go to regular Harley Owner's Group meetings, have been for 20 years.  There is a guy that comes to the meetings I go to and he has "sorta" become my dinner buddy.  They serve hamburgers and hot dogs at our meetings and a lot of people come early, have dinner and visit before the meeting gets started.  This past weekend one of my friends said he would be a nice "companion" for me.  Is that even possible in this day and age?  He's a nice enough guy but I am not the least bit attracted to him, wouldn't mind hanging out at a ride with him but that's about as far as I would want it to go.  What if he would want it to go further?  How do I tell him I am not interested in anything more than friendship?  What do I say if he asks me out?  Should I go to dinner or a movie with him?  AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!   DO NOT LIKE BEING IN THIS SITUATION!!!

Oh HOORAY!!  I'm back to not being able to sleep.  This really sucks because when I WANT to sleep is when I'm at work and supposed to be putting together some kind of financial report.  When I SHOULD be sleeping my brain is racing thinking about everything from, what am I going to do tomorrow at work or, I wonder why politicians have to be such a**bags!  Sometimes I wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning thinking I hear B stirring around in the bathroom or, in the kitchen making a pot of coffee.  Lately I even smell him, or at least the soap he always used (which hasn't been in the house for over a year now).  I catch myself talking to him more, thinking about him more, aching for him more.  Do you suppose these feelings ever go away? 

I  have a friend who's husband was diagnosed with cancer several years ago.  He is actually cancer free right now but had to go through all the nasty chemo and radiation like my husband did.  I am so happy that he is cancer free and they have more time to be together but, it also makes me very angry.  I know "never question God's motives" and "someday I will have all the answers" also "we will be together one day", etc., etc.  The problem is I want him here with me, by my side, sleeping in our bed, making me laugh, holding hands, riding the scooters together, this list is endless.  There is a new "comedy" on Tuesday nights called "Go On'.  It's about a man who's young wife dies suddenly and his struggle to go on without her.  He gets very angry at everyone and everything and is told by his boss he must join an anger management support group.  The thing that hit me the hardest last night is now he is starting to see his dead wife and talk to her.  I've been talking to B for almost 2 years now, is this what my life will be like from now on?  Walking around the house talking to someone who isn't there?  Will I ever be able to stop talking to him, or aching for his touch, or crying every time I think about something we used to do together........ 

When someone asks you a question like "What do I do?", you generally like to give them an answer.  Even an evasive answer like "Do what your heart is telling you to do.".  But there are some questions that just cannot be answered.  A very dear person in my life keeps asking me the "What do I do?" question and I don't know how to answer.  I have tried the standard answers but none of them seem to be helping.  I pray for this person daily and I pray that I can help them with this struggle, my biggest prayer as that they can just get through with a modicum of sanity.  It's times like these that make my life seem like a fairy tale and perfection and everything bright and beautiful.  I wish I could help, I pray a solution comes fast, I pray for their strength to get through this.  Even though we don't know the reason why this is happening we just have to trust in God and thank Him for getting us this far.....

Had a great weekend up till Sunday afternoon!  I am such an idiot, why do I pick movies that hit me right smack in the head!!!  Saw "Hope Springs", mainly because Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep are 2 of my favorite actors.  What a HUGE mistake, started crying at the beginning of the movie and  had to leave before the lights came up in the theater so no one would see me. The opening scene where she goes to "his" bedroom and tries to get him to invite her to his bed and he rejects her...  hit way too close to home.  My B was on a lot of meds and most of those affected his libido.  After a while I just stopped trying.  WOW am I having a pity party this morning or what???  I'm just tired, too much going on, too many doubts, too many stupid movies, too many sleepless nights, too much stress, not enough time with my B....

Why is it that no matter how much you try, no matter how much you do, no matter how much money and effort you spend some people just don't care.  My children have shut me out of their lives, makes me think they were only around for their dad.  Now that he is gone it isn't necessary to tolerate me.  Just found out last night that not only did my daughter fall and break her ankle she now has to have heart surgery!  Also just found out that my oldest grandchild has moved out of her mother's house and in with her boyfriend!!!  What the hell is going on, what the hell did I do to make these kids hate me so much?  Was trying to raise them with some morals and a sense of responsibility and respect not the right thing to do?  Maybe if I had been a drunk or drug abuser or never fed them or bought them clothes maybe then things would be different.  Maybe if I had been a hoarder or never cleaned the house or cooked or taken them places.  I just find it very difficult to understand...... 

Here we are another day closer to the 2nd anniversary of his death.  I had a dear friend of mine, that lost her husband, tell me the 2nd year is worse than the first, now I understand what she meant.  After all the shock and numbness wears off and the family and friends get back to their normal lives you are left with your thoughts and memories.  The thoughts of total inadequacy, abandonment, anger and that black empty hole in your heart.  Don't get me wrong I am very blessed to have a wonderful network of loving caring friends and family that I speak with on a daily basis.  They are very encouraging and reassuring that the decisions I am making are not ALL wrong. But still...  there is that black empty hole that I fall into at night, when I go to bed, when I reach for his pillow, when I listen for him stirring in the night, when a fleeting thought crosses my mind to check his prescriptions for refill, when the shower head breaks and I have no idea how to fix it, when I cry and need his arms to hold and comfort me.....