Doctor visit

This morning the doctor ordered Hospice care for him.... he says it is getting close to the end! Didn't really need a doctor's degree to tell me that, I live with him, I see it every day, I'm the one watching this process happen right before my eyes. Sold his HD this past weekend, what a horrible thing that was. We were going to go on trips together, rides the bikes as far as we could for about 2 days, spend a day where ever we ended up then ride them back home in 2 days. His family thinks I want to sell it because I want the money but they really have no idea how hard this is on me as well. All of our plans for the future are gone, there is no future, it's gone, our dreams, our plans, all of it!! vicki lee

Yellow Roses

Haven't posted in a couple of days, been really busy, took a 2 day computer class and was too tired to get on the computer afterwards. So yesterday when I got home he was awake and dressed and watching the news! I reminded him that his niece was coming over with dinner (she started doing this on Thursdays a few weeks ago so she could spend some time with him every week, sweet girl). Said he remembered and was looking forward to seeing her, then he says "Did you like the flowers I sent you?" Whaa??? "I sent you flowers today to your office, did you like them?" Honey I wasn't in my office today I was in a computer class besides, you didn't really send me flowers, you never send me flowers, you haven't sent me flowers for years, you always said they were too expensive, I haven't gotten flowers since our 25th wedding anniversary which was 4 years ago!! "I'm telling you I sent you flowers to your office today, I just forgot you weren't going to be there." Right, we'll see tomorrow, it's okay if you didn't and you thought you did, it was sweet of you to think about me. So this morning when I walked into my office, there on my desk, sits a vase, with 12 of the most beautiful yellow roses I've seen in a long, long time!! The card simply reads "I Love You" ! Makes all my sleepless nights and exhaustion seem a little easier to cope with..... vicki lee

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

He's had no pain meds all day so I ask how's his pain level and he says he is a little uncomfortable so he takes 1/2 of a pain pill. He sits down in the recliner and within 10 minutes he is sound asleep, such is my life!! After about 2 -1/2 hours he wakes up and wants to know where the saucer is he had on his lap. There was no saucer on your lap it was the cat and she just now jumped down. "Vic, where is the saucer that was just here on my leg?" There was no saucer, "Yes there was, where is the cake and ice cream that you were just eating?" HUH!?!?! I didn't have any cake or ice cream, there isn't any of either one in the whole house! "Fine, if you don't want to share that's fine." So now he is pissed because he thinks I'm eating cake and ice cream while he is asleep. So he goes back to sleep and about an hour later he is awake and wanting to know when I'm going to give him his wallet back. I haven't had your wallet in almost a month, "Yes you do have it and I want it back!" Bernie it's in the back bedroom on the dresser, go see for yourself, "Don't think I won't go and check..." I don't give a rat's ass if you go check!! Now it's 9pm time for his evening meds. Bern do you want to take anymore pain pills before you go to bed? "I don't know, what do you think?" I think they make you have weird dreams and I wish you wouldn't take them anymore. "Fine, if you are going to be a bitch about it and just keep bitching at me then I won't take anymore, I'll just be in pain all the time!" Someone tell me quick, is this all a part of the process, is this ever going to end, will I ever get to sleep, how much longer am I going to be a bitch, what is the prison sentence in this state for justifiable homicide?? vicki lee

I Give Up!!

WTF!!! He obsesses' over the pain pills then when we talk about going off of them or modifying how many and when he takes them he just says, 'I'm not in pain I don't need them'!!! He hasn't been to sleep longer than 1-1/2 hours for almost 24 hours now, and neither have I (again). I'm just so tired.... tired from no sleep, tired of him being sick, tired of doctors and hospitals, tired of his family not trusting me, tired of him being depressed. I'm so tired and focused on him that I actually forgot my middle grandchild's birthday! Now how damn sad is that, my life wasn't supposed to be like this, we were supposed to be set for money, travel more, spend more time with the grand babies, go to more motorcycle rallies. CANCER SUCKS!!! vicki lee

Giving up

He is just giving up!!! He won't even try to get out of the damn recliner, won't go for a walk, won't do his physical therapy exercises, won't fix anything to eat for himself!! I am so angry at him, I can't believe that he is giving up.... I know he's tired of fighting and I know he's still having some pain issues but damn, get off your butt and fight this damn thing! Do I want him to fight for himself or for me? What the hell do I tell his brothers, if I tell them about him not wanting to do anything it's just going to be me being the nagging bitch. I can just hear them now, well maybe it's okay to just let him rest!! Get off your ass and fight I'm not ready to let you go and give up.... vicki lee

It's time

2:30 am, he's up, dressed, coat out of the closet and sitting in his recliner ready to go. The lights in the hall, both bathrooms and kitchen are on, no wonder I can't sleep!! Bernie why are you up it's only 2:30 in the morning? "Oh it is? I thought it was time to go. I guess I can go back to sleep." GREAT!!! Now if only I can go back to sleep. Now it's 4:20 and he has turned all the lights back on again, I gave him his 4am pain pill why is he up?? Bernie, I need to get some sleep please don't turn the lights on again. Now his kidney levels are off again, just hope we aren't looking at renal failure and dialysis... wouldn't that be just lovely! vicki lee

Out of the house

Well, I got him out of the house yesterday!! We went to his brother's for dinner, with a bunch of other family members. It was nice, sat out on their deck, had great food and he actually stayed awake and participated in the conversation. His brother's are still trying to set up a weekend to go to the lake, certainly wish that would happen sooner than later, I could use a weekend alone and away from the nurse duties. He looks more frail every day, his weight goes up and down every week. Really tired can't even think of anything to share right now, maybe there will be more tomorrow..... vicki lee