Up in the mornin...

Been up most of the night because he is, roaming through the house, knocking things over, yelling at the dog and the cat. Then finally around 5:00am I caught him headed out the front door, both socks on one foot, jogging pants on backwards, no shirt, keys in hand and headed for his doctor's appointment. Honey, you can go back to bed it's way to early to go to the doctor. "Are you sure, what time is it, I'm dressed all I need is my shoes on." Really, honey look outside it is still dark, it's only 5:00am you don't have to be there until 8:30, if you will lay back down for a while I promise I will get you up and make sure you get there on time. "Okay, if you say so, I'll lay on the couch for a little bit longer." I knew he shouldn't be driving so I got a shower, got dressed, and drove him to the doctor's office. All the girls at the reception desk were surprised to see him today, he didn't even have an appointment for a blood draw or anything. Thank goodness for those people at the cancer center, they did a blood draw and got him in to see the doctor. This time instead of trying to explain to them about his confusion I let him answer all the questions. Doctor, "How many pain pills are you taking during the day?" Him, "Well I take one at 7 in the morning, or 8 or 9, then I take another one, no wait I take one at 8 or 8:30 in the morning..... you know if they take away my CDL I will lose my job." Doctor, "Okay, let's get him admitted and see what's going on." Today there will be another full body scan, pain meds, and I won't have to stress about whether or not he's eating today.....

Donut shop

After Church yesterday he decided he wanted donuts. Fine, do you have enough cash on you to get donuts or do you want to use your debit card? "No I don't like using my debit card, I need to get some cash." Okay so I head for the bank (opposite direction of the donut shop). "Where are you going, I told you I wanted donuts." I know but I have to go by the bank to get some money first.... "I don't know why you're doing that, I want donuts." I know honey but you just said you didn't have any cash and you didn't want to use your debit card. "I know I told you that but I'm telling you now that I want donuts." Do you want to use your debit card at the donut shop? "Why do I have to keep telling you this, no I don't like to use my debit card, I just want to go to the donut shop." Okay, we'll go to the donut shop just give me a few minutes I need to make a quick side trip. So I pull into the bank by the ATM machine and he calmly hands me his debit card and says "Just get me $40.00 I don't need much more than that." Okay sweetie, you want to go get some donuts after this? "Sure, we can do that." It is what it is!!! vicki lee

Hallucinations...

Sitting at the dinner table last night he picked up the WHITE plastic salt shaker and began to turn it around in his hand. What are you looking for Babe? "There is an ant crawling on the salt shaker." WHAT?!?!? How did an ant get inside the salt shaker? "Not inside it's crawling right there on the outside of the shaker." HUH, the shaker is white the salt is white, there is nothing of any other color, let alone an insect, crawling anywhere on the shaker. Honey, I don't see anything, "I'm telling you it's right there, well now I can't see it, maybe it crawled inside or it's on the table." Now I'm moving all the dishes on the table looking for something crawling around, I even took the lid off of the shaker and looked inside and around the lip, nothing! Bern there isn't anything there, see (showing him the opened shaker). "FINE, you just had to prove you were right and I was wrong didn't you, couldn't take my word for it, I'm telling you I saw an ant crawling around on that salt shaker!" Okay, if you say it was there, it was there..... I know folks are praying for my husband but I'm starting to think I need to start asking them to pray for me, not sure how much more I can take. I'm tired and scared and hate this disease more than anyone could every fathom..... vicki lee

Being rude!

So, another grocery store trip (he still doesn't want me going alone). We were walking through an aisle and he is in the middle and there is a lady behind us trying to go around..... Bern you need to move over just a bit. "The hell with em let em go around!" Now I'm embarrassed and look at the lady behind us, excuse me and then I pull the cart to the right and let her go by, she just smiles and goes on. Now I'm really upset, Bernie, I know you're in pain and I know you're tired but that is no excuse for being rude and inconsiderate. "You're right." Then I got to thinking about it, he has every right to be rude and inconsiderate sometimes. I don't know how gracious I would be in that situation. He never gets enough sleep, walking is a huge chore, his back aches all the time, his legs won't hardly hold him up any more. Maybe I was a bit to hasty in berating him, maybe I should have handled it differently. Who knows anymore, I'm tired too, my back hurts sometimes too but I'm not rude to people, I try to be accommodating... This life with cancer is starting to get really hard to navigate in, never knowing what to say or how to say it, trying desperately to not treat him like a child (even though he acts like one)..... vicki lee

Passing by...

So, I have been off work since Thursday of last week, took the dog to get neutered on Wednesday night and got back around 5:30 Thursday evening. We had planned on going to the lake but things didn't work out so we stayed home. Was hoping to hook up with friends at some point but, unlike my life, they have lives of their own and they all made plans. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I feel like my life is just passing by, all I did most of the last 3 or 4 days has been sit here and watch him sleep. He isn't sleeping in the bed again, so the minute he sits in the chair he's out. I've tried to get him to go somewhere or do something but he just says no I don't feel like it. We did go out and buy a new TV because our old one was just about gone, but we weren't in the store 5 minutes before he started getting winded and needed to sit down. I just don't know how to feel and I don't know how to act. If I go places without him, I'm afraid people will think I'm a heartless bitch for leaving my sick husband at home by himself. But then the very few times I've gone somewhere without him I don't feel right, it's like part of me is missing. BUT, I'm not that old and I just feel like my life is just passing by every time I look at him sleeping in that damned recliner.... vicki lee

Holidays

Happy Labor Day weekend!! So I've noticed that he looks like he's losing weight again, so I checked to see how much of the liquid appetite inducing medication he had left. He still has a small amount in one bottle. He probably should have refilled the prescription last week. Hey Honey, have you been taking your liquid medicine every day like you're supposed to? "No, I take it when I remember it." Honey, you really need to take it every day like you're supposed to. "Well I noticed I was kinda looking fat, so I thought I would back off the medicine." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Here's a thought for scientists and those folks that invent new medicines. How about inventing a pill that mimics the affects of my husbands cancer, the weight loss aspect, for women like me that struggle with their weight! I mean really, he "thinks" he's gaining weight so he just stops taking his med?? Ya know, I've said this before, cancer sucks (in any form) but being overweight and trying to lose and struggling with it... that really sucks!! vicki lee

Anxious

So, after work today I will be on vacation for a couple of days (wish we were doing something fun), and I am taking the dog to Monroe City (about 3 hrs away) to get neutered and have some puppy teeth pulled. I am driving up tonight, surgery is tomorrow morning, and I am driving back tomorrow afternoon. Why would she go that far away you might ask.... because it is less than half the cost at my vet here in town. Anyway, he is not going with me because he doesn't think he can do the car ride up and back so close together. Here's the thing, the thought of leaving him alone and being 3 hours away makes my stomach ache and little beads of sweat pop out on my forehead and upper lip. I'm surprised I haven't done the bathroom every 10 minutes thing, which so often accompanies my bouts of anxiety and stress. He says "I'll be fine, my brothers are close if I need anything." That is true but I don't want anyone else there without me. You might think I am a control freak, in some cases you might be correct, but the reasoning in this instance is, I don't want his family making any kind of medical decisions for him. We have talked about this stuff and I know what he would want and what I would be comfortable with. MMMAAANNNNN am I just stressing over this too much, is this an issue that really is a non-issue, can I really control every single thing that happens with him??? Gotta love the uncertainty of living with this dreaded disease.... vicki lee