Friends

What would this world be like if we didn't have someone to call FRIEND? Yesterday was a hard day for me, another "first". It was the first birthday since he passed, started out hard to get out of bed then progressively got worse as the hours rolled by. Swamped at work, stressed over repairs on the house, don't know if to stay or go, sell or not sell... The fact that a small group of very, very dear friends made me promise to meet them for dinner was the only thing that kept my head on straight and my heart from exploding. We laughed, we talked about him, we laughed some more, we ate, we had a couple of drinks and we laughed! I am so very grateful to be included in this group of people, I would do anything for any one of them and I'm sure the feeling is mutual. I love them and am proud to call them friends...

Happy Birthday

Today he would have been 71 years young!! He lived life to the fullest and what a ride, and the amazing part is he took me on that ride with him. My life will never be the same because of him, he taught me things, listened to ALL of my secrets, knew more about me than my mother and still loved me. He taught me self-respect and gave me a sense of self-worth that I would have never known if not for him. He was, at times, the hardest person in the world to live with and his pride got in the way of some things. He could be judgmental of others and selfish with his love and his time. But one thing I know is true he loved me, he respected me and he valued our marriage and family. My life was never the same after I met and it will certainly never be the same now that he's gone.... love you B!!

Confusion

What the hell should my next step be??? Do I stay in the house, sell the house, buy a villa, buy a trailer, rent the basement.... move to Arizona?!?!?! The house is just way to big, maybe not too big but not all on one level, I hate going up and down the stairs for the shower and the laundry and the cat box. I cleaned the upstairs but don't bother with the downstairs and it really needs to be cleaned to... here's another topic for ya, do I hire a housekeeper or do it myself? I just can't seem to sort all this crap out in my mind. It's one of those, if I make the decisions myself and they turn out to be the wrong ones then I'm a failure and will be pissed off at myself and be depressed for who knows how long. If he were still here I wouldn't have to make these decisions things would still be the same as they always were, him sleeping in the recliner me trying to silently channel surf, dinner eaten and dishes done, day discussed and all the world's problems solved and world peace achieved. This really sucks, I don't know what the hell to do.... confusion is worse than not having a choice at all.

Facade

Seriously thinking again about moving west!! Don't know how much more I can keep smiling and telling people I'm ok!! I'm not ok, can't sleep, either can't eat or eat so much I throw up, all I want to do is sit in a bar and get drunk!! Haven't done that yet just really want to, don't have any friends that do that kind of thing and too scared to go alone... then again, alcohol is a depressant and the ONE thing I don't need right now is something to make me more depressed. Just keep the facade going for a little while longer till I get the sign from God or Bernie or someone, somehow that tells me what to do. Scared to death to make a decision for fear it will be the wrong one. CRAP!!! This really sucks, it was so easy before when it was him and I, we made decisions together, we thought about things as a couple, we used each other as an excuse to get out of sticky situations. Now I don't have anyone but me and I don't trust me....

10 Months

Yesterday made 10 months since he passed!! I've already been through a lot of "firsts"; first holiday without him, first birthday without him, first vacation without him.... the list is endless. I've had some friends tell me that the second year is the hardest, other people have told me the first year is the hardest. I know that things are supposed to start getting easier but when?? Things aren't any easier, I still cry myself to sleep most nights, think of him constantly, cannot stand the thought of being without him for the rest of my life. I have wonderful friends and they are very supportive but there is no substitute for his presence, his smile, his laughter....

Forever

It's been forever since I've been on here and I just don't know why. Maybe it's because I am trying really hard to move forward with my life... but it isn't as easy as one would think. I miss him more now than ever, and I'm talking my self out of going places and making excuses to friends and family as to why I can't attend functions. I've avoided seeing anyone from his family just about as long as I can. The first thing that happens will be them remembering him and how hard it is for them to not be able to talk to him or see him. It's just really hard for me to hear them say that, I just want to scream and say do you have ANY idea how hard it is for ME to live without him day after day?!?!?! We lived together for over 30 years, I saw him or talked to him every day, I slept with him, I ate with him, I cried with him, I laughed with him, I traveled with him, I had his hand to hold and his shoulder to cry and sleep on and you think it is hard for YOU because you can't call him once or twice a month or because you don't get to have coffee with him a couple times a week.... this pain is forever and I know it, this pain will never diminish, this anguish that I feel every time I think about him is forever.