HUH?!?!?

Went for my first long ride on "Pearl" this past Sunday. I rode to church and was surprised to see his sister and her husband and grand daughter there. (they kinda stopped coming to early mass) After mass I asked if she would like to see the new bike, and she said sure. So while we are walking across the parking lot she says "If you ever decide to sell his vest I will buy that no matter how much." HUH?!?!? I would never sell something so personal and sentimental. Does she think I am just selling his stuff left and right to get rid of him? Does anyone else in his family think that? Have they already started tearing me down at family outings? I did miss a family bridal shower, did they start there? And as we were looking at the bike she must have said 10 times "I wish I could have bought Bernie's bike, I sure wish you hadn't sold it". Do they REALLY think that he is in those "things"?? He is still so much a part of my life, I always think about what he would say or do before I make a move... The only decision I made on my own was the bike purchase and I'm sure if he were here he would have agreed with me that it was a good deal. Does anyone really know how hard it is for me to go on, to make any decisions, to sleep in our bed, to look in his closet, to even look in the cupboards where "our" favorite cereal bowls are, to glance at one of his pictures on the mantle, to do laundry without his clothes in there.... this list is infinite. Should I just go to his family and tell them? Do I really need to prove anything to anyone...... vicki lee

GUILT

So tomorrow they are supposed to deliver my "new" bike! I am excited but at the same time I am feeling the most horrible guilt! Is it too soon, should I have just kept his bike in the garage, covered up? Will I actually have fun riding this year (if I go anywhere at all) or should I still be staying at home doing nothing? MAN!! This is one of those questions that I wonder if every new widow asks herself. How long before you start to "get on" with things... is 4 months a respectable amount of time before you do things, is it 6 months, is it 2 years? The main reason I moved so quickly on this purchase is 1) it was a great deal 2) it's my dream bike 3) who knows how long before another deal like this will come along 4) I was angry at him (again) for leaving me with all the crap he left..... I HATE this, cancer SUCKS, being a widow is HORRIBLE, sleeping alone, eating alone, walking alone, future planning alone..... vicki lee

4 Months

Well it's been 4 months now.... 4 months of hell - 4 months of crappy sleep - 4 months of eating too much or not enough - 4 months of being angry then not angry - 4 months of wondering - 4 months of discovery - 4 months of learning - 4 months of agony - 4 months of missing him - 4 months of feeling abandoned - 4 months of utter loneliness - 4 months of "So, how you doin?" - 4 months of decisions - 4 months of counting the days..... vicki lee

Hhhhmmmm!!

So I did it, I made my first major decision as an individual! No consulting, no arguing, no what ifs, just me - myself - and I.... I have had a number of friends tell me "good for you" and "congratulations", but I haven't heard a word from his family!! Do they think I am being unfaithful by not keeping his things? I would love to hear that they approve of me going forward with my life, starting to live, coming out of my funk..... vicki lee

Surrender

So my weekend started out great with a Saturday get together with my girls!! Went to church on Sunday like always, thought I would get away without seeing any of his family (they have all changed their regular church schedules since he passed) but all of a sudden here's his sister and her husband!! All of these emotions started flaring up inside me, wait you're in church keep yourself in check, I just wanted to blurt stuff out.... why haven't you invited me over for coffee since he passed, why are you embracing all the in-laws he had no respect for, did you know he took my name off of everything??? Now I have to think up a really good excuse as to why I'm not going to the bridal shower today, don't want to lie but I can't be around these people. They all think he was such a wonderful guy, and in ways he was and, I can't help myself, I still ache because he's gone but holy hell, he left with an enormous mess to clean up!! I would have never done that to him, I wouldn't have taken his name off of anything we were supposed to own "jointly" as in married couple as in life partners as in spouse. I'm tired, I don't want to deal with any of this anymore, I just want to surrender, get in my car and drive far, far away and never look back.... vicki lee

So tired

Well, the lawyer says shame on the bank and mortgage company and let them get the money out of a deceased person!!! Yeah right, like they aren't going to come and repossess the house right out from under me if I stop making payments. I am just so tired, I need to get motivated and start packing some stuff up, get a for sale sign, make up some fliers, put the house on craigslist, maybe talk to a real estate agent.... but I am so tired, just feel drained all the time. Having trouble sleeping again, thought about getting a second job but I don't know!! In case I haven't said this lately THIS SUCKS..... vicki lee

Big Day

Well, tomorrow is the big day!! Headed to the lawyer's office to see if I truly own the house or not! I'm thinking if I don't I am moving to a small apartment and let the SOB go back to the bank! My credit is destroyed and he isn't here so what difference does it make what his is. I am so deflated right now that I don't even care if I take a shower. I sit down in front of the mirror in the morning to put on makeup for work and just sit there looking into the mirror and saying 'why even bother'. I know, I know go to counseling... easier said than done! Can't afford the gas for the truck to make an extra trip every week, hell I can't even afford to pay attention! This really sucks..... vicki lee