Hhhhmmmm!!

So I did it, I made my first major decision as an individual! No consulting, no arguing, no what ifs, just me - myself - and I.... I have had a number of friends tell me "good for you" and "congratulations", but I haven't heard a word from his family!! Do they think I am being unfaithful by not keeping his things? I would love to hear that they approve of me going forward with my life, starting to live, coming out of my funk..... vicki lee

Surrender

So my weekend started out great with a Saturday get together with my girls!! Went to church on Sunday like always, thought I would get away without seeing any of his family (they have all changed their regular church schedules since he passed) but all of a sudden here's his sister and her husband!! All of these emotions started flaring up inside me, wait you're in church keep yourself in check, I just wanted to blurt stuff out.... why haven't you invited me over for coffee since he passed, why are you embracing all the in-laws he had no respect for, did you know he took my name off of everything??? Now I have to think up a really good excuse as to why I'm not going to the bridal shower today, don't want to lie but I can't be around these people. They all think he was such a wonderful guy, and in ways he was and, I can't help myself, I still ache because he's gone but holy hell, he left with an enormous mess to clean up!! I would have never done that to him, I wouldn't have taken his name off of anything we were supposed to own "jointly" as in married couple as in life partners as in spouse. I'm tired, I don't want to deal with any of this anymore, I just want to surrender, get in my car and drive far, far away and never look back.... vicki lee

So tired

Well, the lawyer says shame on the bank and mortgage company and let them get the money out of a deceased person!!! Yeah right, like they aren't going to come and repossess the house right out from under me if I stop making payments. I am just so tired, I need to get motivated and start packing some stuff up, get a for sale sign, make up some fliers, put the house on craigslist, maybe talk to a real estate agent.... but I am so tired, just feel drained all the time. Having trouble sleeping again, thought about getting a second job but I don't know!! In case I haven't said this lately THIS SUCKS..... vicki lee

Big Day

Well, tomorrow is the big day!! Headed to the lawyer's office to see if I truly own the house or not! I'm thinking if I don't I am moving to a small apartment and let the SOB go back to the bank! My credit is destroyed and he isn't here so what difference does it make what his is. I am so deflated right now that I don't even care if I take a shower. I sit down in front of the mirror in the morning to put on makeup for work and just sit there looking into the mirror and saying 'why even bother'. I know, I know go to counseling... easier said than done! Can't afford the gas for the truck to make an extra trip every week, hell I can't even afford to pay attention! This really sucks..... vicki lee

What to do....

Here I sit, on the computer again, bored out of my mind, stressed to the max, confused, sad.... how many more words do I need!! Do I try to sell the house, how long will it be before the bike sells, should I trade them both in on a new one, should I try to plan any vacations, should I try and sell the truck or trade it in?? Did he really love me or was he just in it for what he could get, was he intentionally using me, did he know what I would have to go through, did he even care about what I would be going through? THIS IS SUCH A ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS.... How much longer will this go on??? I know, I know wait a year before you make any decisions but I just don't know if I can. Since I found out about the whole mortgage thing I just can't stay in this house anymore. It's not my house, I didn't pick it out, he never once ever said I did a good job decorating, he never complained about my housekeeping but what does that mean he just didn't care about it or it was never good enough for him to say anything. MAN if I have ever had a completely deflated ego and absolutely zero self esteem and self confidence it is right now. Who's fault is it? Do I blame him for letting me believe all these years that we actually had a relationship, do I blame myself for falling for everything he said and not being strong enough to question him and being so naive and trusting...... vicki lee

A Break

Man!!! I found this great villa in Wright City, perfect size, perfect layout, perfect price.... Talked to the real estate agent and she said the owners won't accept a contract on it unless you have cash in hand, they won't wait on me to sell my house!! I just can't seem to catch a break.... thought I had his bike sold (that would have gotten me out of debt) but that fell through, thought I found my perfect bike, it's already sold, thought I knew where my life was headed.... NOT!!! I keep hearing people say, wait a year, be patient, there will be other deals but I feel like I'm drowning. NOW gasoline has hit over $3 a gallon and I only get about 11 miles per gallon in his truck, WTF!!! Am I ever going to feel like I'm not spinning out of control..... I think not! vicki lee

Betrayal

Really feeling betrayed and used and so many other emotions right now that I can't even focus at work. I'm tired and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die!! Was our entire marriage just a way for him to get everything he wanted and have the life he wanted then leave me, not only with a huge hole in my heart, out in the cold with nothing to show for all the work I've done? I haven't said anything to my children and only told one friend and of course my supervisor knows because she was here when I got the information and I was in such shock that I had to tell someone. The question now is how do I react the next time I'm around any of his family and they start talking about what a great guy he was??? Oh well I really don't think that is going to happen I've been pretty much forgotten by most of them by now! Holy Crap is this a pity party for Vicki?? Well, maybe just a little, feeling really vulnerable and fragile and..... vicki lee