Long Time

It's been a while since I posted anything, haven't really felt like posting. Some days I think it's getting easier then a memory comes flooding back or a smell hits me or a song on the radio and all the grief and pain come surging back. I have stopped crying uncontrollably, now it's just quiet sobbing and sometimes it's just the lump in my throat and tears rolling down my cheeks. I find myself feeling angrier than I think I should. And it's the simplest things that set me off and I've even snapped at strangers for no apparent reason or for reasons that would have never set me off before. Although this blog has helped me with some very deep and private feelings I think it's time to talk to a professional. I can't continue to feel this anger, although it's supposed to be a "stage" of the grieving process I just need to be reassured that I'm not too angry and I would really like to know how long this is supposed to last and what will the next stage be and how long is it going to be before I can feel somewhat "normal". I'll let you know what happens..... vicki lee

30 days

So yesterday was the 30 day mark.... he's been gone for one whole month, it feels like yesterday and I keep waiting for him to call me or come in the front door. I thank heaven for my friends, I thought they would have all slowly dropped off of the contact wagon by now but there are some that are still there. I've gone through my "first" Thanksgiving without him, my "first" anniversary without him and now I will be going through my "first" Christmas and New Year. I can remember a time when I used to look forward to my "firsts".... now I dread them.

Bad timing

So, it's winter and, although I dislike the word hate, I HATE the winter. I am stuck in the house or my office, no sunshine, no fresh air, no birds. Winter on top of this empty black hole I feel looming in my heart and mind, I am not a very happy girl. Now lets throw in Christmas and happy songs, and people saying Merry this and Happy that, I'm just not sure how much more I will be able to take before I just blow a gasket!!! I'm not sleeping again, waking up 2-3 times feeling for him in the bed, or getting up looking for him in the living room or bathroom. I believe in God and I pray for Him to give me solace and peace but the only thing I know for sure is God does not have the best timing. I know it's his timing and we are supposed to be joyful about what we get when we get it but really God, this is not just bad timing, it seems like cruel and unusual punishment...... vicki lee

What do I do!

Well this coming Sunday would have been our 29th wedding anniversary... have already made some arrangements to go somewhere in the evening but not looking forward to being in the house or alone!! What I would like to do is curl up in a ball, on the end of my couch, in my bathrobe and slippers. No phone calls, no internet, no texting, no TV, just me a box of tissues and 10 gallons of ice cream!! I had no idea it would be this hard, I keep asking myself over and over again, what do I do about the house, the truck, the bike, the bills, my life..... vicki lee

It's over

On Tuesday, November 16, 2010 at 8:10am I lost my best friend in the whole world. He took 3 final breaths and let the angels take him to heaven to be with the family that has gone on before him. I keep questioning myself, did I tell him enough that I loved him, did he know how much I appreciated the little things he did, did I take him for granted, did he know what an impact he had on my life? This list could go on for days, the one thing I know for sure is that I loved him more than anything in this universe. I would have given him anything, done anything, said anything, sacrificed anything for him. If he wanted to sell everything and live in a box I would have gone with him, I would have sold my soul to keep him near me.... I will miss watching him breathe at 2 o'clock in the morning when I can't sleep, the way he made me laugh, his quirky way of doing things, his grilled cheese sandwiches, Sunday morning breakfasts and Saturday night favorite TV shows. I'll never again feel his strong arms around my waist or his sweet breath on my neck, never again hold his huge hands or be able to rub the back of his neck the way he liked. The ache I feel in my heart is unlike any other ache I've ever felt, I've felt the disappointing ache a mother feels when her child lets her down but this is different, this feels like a never ending, chest crushing ache that takes my breath away when I think of living without him. I know I have to go on, I have children and grand children but this ache, this ache..... will it ever end? vicki lee

Family

When a person has cancer it doesn't only affect that person's spouse or significant other, it affects their entire family.... children, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews etc, etc. The best thing the sick person's family can do is be supportive of their spouse. I thought I had their love and support until my "meltdown"!! Now I have this person coming in and out of my house totally disrespecting me, I mean there isn't so much as a glance in my direction let alone a greeting (civil or otherwise). The worse thing is I just want to tell him to get the hell out of my house, but I'm not like that!! The thing is, in the 30 years we have been together, NO ONE knows what my husband and I have been through, talked about, laughed about, cried about, discussed or decided and even though his illness and certain death is hard on everyone, it is hardest on ME!!! The only thing I need right now is people to just be there. I know some of them think that I don't like having them around all the time or all of them at once but I don't mind because when everyone is gone it's just me, watching him slowly fade away.... CANCER SUCKS!!! vicki lee

Meltdown!!

I know it's been a while since I blogged anything but I have been totally wrapped up in getting him settled in and learning all about Hospice!! Back to getting someone to sit with him day and night if I'm not there, and learning to let other people help me. Had a major meltdown yesterday, after telling him for the 3rd time that the doctor has stopped all treatments and he is very, very sick.... he looked me straight in the face and said "You did this to me, this is all your fault." Then when our son said 'dad you don't mean that', he looked him straight in the face and said "You are not my son, stop calling me dad!" Then my son lost it and had to leave the house!!! To top off the rest of my meltdown day, his family starts showing up and he is all happy and sitting up in the wheelchair and drinking a beer and eating hamburgers and talking to everyone! Now THAT just sent me over the deep end. I was ready to move out of my house and let his family move in and take care of him, or move him into his brother's house and let them take care of him there. Then the more I thought about it the more I could hear God's voice saying to me.... I have given you very broad shoulders and now I'm giving you permission to show that you are not a super human and you have to get rid of your pride and start asking for and accepting help, you are my child and I will get you through this, he will be with Me in heaven and then it will be my turn to take care of him... vicki lee