Now I'm scared

Well, he just called me at work (doesn't always happen)... He wanted to know his cell phone number, so I gave it to him. Then I asked him are you okay, where are you? "I'm at home, everything is fine." Bernie why did you want your cell phone number.... "Wait, I didn't want my cell phone number I wanted my bank account number." (I have NEVER had this, we have separate accounts) What the heck is going on??? Is he having another medication reaction? He is doubling up on his Xanex, could that be what's going on? Still having trouble sleeping, then yesterday he calls me to tell me the doctor says 'the pain pills are just for pain they are not to help you sleep'.... I have been telling him that for months now!! Maybe when I tell him this stuff I should put on a white lab coat with my name embroidered on it! That might make him believe that I know what I'm talking about, I doubt it...... vicki lee

Tired

Well, he is having more and more trouble sleeping again. Not sure if it's a side effect of the new chemo or the pain in his back. All I know is I'm staying awake and waking up to see if he's in the bed or in the recliner. Went to bed last night at 10:30 (as usual) woke up at 11:30 looking for him, woke up again at 12:45, then woke up again at 1:45 and he was in bed but, I WAS WIDE AWAKE!! So I got up and watched TV until 3:00 when he got up and went back to the recliner.... do you see a pattern emerging here? All I know is it's going to be a very hard day trying to keep my thoughts straight. Exhaustion is not conducive to a good day at work..... vicki lee

Giving up

Anyone who knows me and my husband, knows that he is/was/always will be a very domineering man. He has made 99.9% of all decisions that were ever made in our home, he has also dictated, pretty much, where I go and who I go with. Also, as anyone who knows us, I never did a lot on my motorcycle unless he was with me. His excuse always was "What if something happens and I'm not there?" My answer always was, if anything is going to happen it will happen whether you are there or not. So, imagine my shock and surprise when he agreed to let me go on a ride this past Sunday without him. Imagine my shock and surprise at myself for going!!! He is having a lot of back pain again and trouble sleeping, which makes the pain seem worse. He even skipped church, something we very rarely do! I am starting to get more and more worried, even with him starting a new chemo, he just seems to be getting weaker. I pray that he isn't giving up!! Don't know if I blame him though, he has been through hell and he can hardly do anything anymore without getting worn out within 5 minutes. I pray anyone reading this never ever has to watch a loved one wither and fade away... vicki lee

Rude people

Went to the grocery store last night.... He is really moving slower than usual, but he did run around all day finding parts to fix a toilet. In the grocery store we just take our time and walk very casually up and down the aisles discussing if we did/didn't need anything from that particular area. Then it started, first it was the women in the high heels and business suit, cell phone tucked under her chin, barking about "I will be there first thing in the morning", sighing heavily and clicking her tongue because we weren't moving fast enough. Next we have the "soccer moms" with 1-3 kids in/out/hanging onto their carts, which are crammed full of juice boxes and Fruit Loops, screaming at this one "No you can't have that", while the littlest one cries with snot running down it's face, reaching in front of us like we weren't even standing there!!! PEOPLE!!! Stop, slow down, remember how precious life is, the groceries, meetings, mini vans, jobs will all be there tomorrow but your loved one might not be. Stop being so rude, smile, say excuse me, make eye contact with people, wait 5 seconds before you get your panties in a wad..... vicki lee

Real world

Well, it's back to the real world and the grind!! Didn't sleep worth a dang last night (wishing I was still at the lake) neither did he. Doctor's office called me this morning, his blood pressure is up so they are playing with his meds again. Doctor says fatigue is just a part of his life now, nothing really can be done because of his illness and medications. Would really like to get some riding in before summer is over but I'm not sure how to approach the subject with him, I know he can't hold that bike up anymore and I certainly don't want to leave him behind. WHAT DO I DO??? vicki lee

Time off

Well, just got back from 4.5 days at Mark Twain Lake. Totally relaxed and can't remember when I have slept that well. These past few days have shown me just how weak and frail he is.... we did spend a lot of time with family and I'm glad for that, he has wonderful nieces and nephews that just adore him and they took care of most of the "heavy" stuff that I usually do. (helping him up/down out of chairs, getting him a drink or snack etc, etc) So it was nice to not have to be "on watch" all the time. He really had a great time as well, his sister and one of her daughters were in from Michigan (wish they all lived here) so that was good. AAANNNDDD he treated me like a queen, I didn't have to do any cooking. Did do some cleaning but that's just me needing things to be a certain way. We took the dog and he didn't even yell like a maniac when the dog barked!! This may sound a little gruesome but could this be a sign of the end of his time with me? My prayer is that it isn't even close to that time!! Even though he makes me crazy and sometimes I think I just can't take any more, we've been together 30 years and I love him very much. vicki lee

V A C A T I O N

Yes, I'm taking a few days off from work (maybe)... Thought I had everything squared away that the boss wanted then, the phone rang! I have to explain what "Umbrella Policy" means and I'm not sure if I will be able to do it to her satisfaction. On another note, I was told last night that I really don't care about him!!

R I G H T ..... can you sense sarcasm when you read it? If I don't care why do I sit up nights sometimes just to watch him breath, or research the newest drug he's taking to find out what the true side affects will be, or spend night after night in a hospital room sleeping in uncomfortable chairs, or make his bed after he's been in it all day because he's uncomfortable and the nurses are too busy to do it? This list could go on for days!!! I'm just focused on taking a few days off and doing nothing. vicki lee