Pride

I hate asking for help, it's not in my nature to think that I can't take care of myself!  It was not in "B's" nature either, he would have collapsed and taken a trip to the ER before he would ask for help.  Well here I am in a spot where I HAVE TO ask for help because it is physically impossible for me to do this without it.  Made an appointment at a counselor's office a month or so ago, gonna try and get some tools to help me cope with my feelings and maybe get out of my funk.  Went to the office, the doctor was going to be about 15 minutes late, that was all I needed to use the excuse that I couldn't wait because I was much to important and I had other places to be and etc., etc., etc.  Haven't gone back, haven't called to make another appointment, not going to, gonna try and deal with this funk all by myself.  It's probably a good thing that I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, I would have been dead a long time ago.  My addiction is food and it is killing me slowly....

Curious

Sometimes my imagination runs wild (another reason I can't sleep) and I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd never met "B".  Then I snap myself out of it and come back to reality, this crappy, depressed, left behind feeling comes flooding in again. I know there are a lot of people out there who have lost a spouse.  I mean look at our military losses in the last 5 years alone and all the people that were left alone. Why is this so hard for me?  Is it because I have no self-confidence?  Is it because I'm overweight and all people see is a big blob?  Is it because I am putting out some kind of vibe that says stay away from me?  I wonder also if anyone is reading these any more, probably not.... 

I know part of it is my fault for not posting in such a long time but I was trying to be "normal" again and it just DID NOT work out.  Maybe this feeling of emptiness and loss is my new normal. That makes me even more sad, very sad......

Tired

So tired, ALL the time even after sleeping for 8 hours!  I get up I take a shower I get dressed etc., etc., and I almost fall asleep driving the short 12 miles to work. I almost fall asleep at my computer during the day, I fall asleep during the news in the evening and sometimes I can't even remember what I've watched on TV.  My life is a total crap bowl, I'm depressed, I'm overweight, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box and there is a good possibility that I am about to lose my job....  I miss my husband more than anyone could ever imagine.

No light

Feeling like I am headed down a very long, long dark hallway with no end in sight and no light at the end. Sleep eludes me almost every night now, it used to be a random night here and there but now it's an ongoing occurrence. This feeling of desperation and self loathing has a hold on me and I can't seem to shake it. I have a couple of best friends that I could tell all my secrets to but my fear is if they knew it would drive them away. Where do I go from here.....

Well, it's getting close to another weekend. I do have something to do on Saturday afternoon which is very unusual.  Most weekends are spent sitting in front of the TV sleeping or eating or having a pity party.  I throw the best pity partys, if you are ever going to have one and need some help just hit me up I'll be glad to help out.  I can find a thousand reasons why my life sucks and why everyone should feel sorry for me, the problem is.... it's all a bunch of hooey.  My life isn't perfect but there are parts of it that are amazing.  I have a great job, that I love.  I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and I can take a bath or shower anytime i feel the need.  It's obvious that I have enough food, just take a look at the size of  my derriere!!  I really need to get to a doctor, I am typing this with tears streaming down my face and I don't even know why I'm crying. Maybe because I know what's wrong with me and why I overeat and beat myself up all the time but I just can't do anything about it. Before I lost Bern and I started feeling like this I could always go home and put my arms around him and he would always say just the right thing to bring me out of my funk.  I don't have that anymore and I certainly don't have the skills (or meds) to pull myself up! I am really a very damaged person and he was the only one who knew ALL and I do mean ALL of the bad stuff about me and still loved me..... 

Well, it has been a long, long time since I posted anything on this blog page.  I have been very busy hoping that would help with my depression but it hasn't.  Sometimes it seems like the more I do, the more I eat, the more I eat, the more depressed I become, the more depressed I become the more I do.....  do you see where I'm going with this? It is coming up on the 3 year anniversary of my beloved B's death and in those 3 years I have put my house on the market and taken it off the market. My Niece and her children have since moved in with me, not for the faint of heart. I totally remodeled the entire house, the way I always envisioned it. And, just recently my house was hit by a tornado with some pretty severe damage. I tried on-line dating, HUGE mistake and will NEVER do it again. I know this sounds a little desperate or like I'm crying out for help but sometimes I think if I could just die and be with him again all of this crap would stop. I would never take my own life that is the most selfish thing a person can do and I'm not selfish at all. Then when one of my friends tells me I am a strong person and God only gives you what you can handle I just want to scream at them or punch them right in the throat. I'm not strong, look at me, I'm 100 pounds overweight, I'm in debt and just keep spending. Tried going to therapy and felt like a complete fool sitting in the waiting room so I made up an excuse for why I had to leave and haven't booked another appointment yet. I know a couple of other women that  have lost their husbands and they don't seem to be in the shape I'm in, in fact they seem to be coping very well.  What the hell is my problem?!?!?!

So here's the situation today....  I ride an HD motorcycle, when B was alive we rode together all the time.  We've done some amazing trips together, trips I will NEVER forget, more fun than the law allows.  I go to regular Harley Owner's Group meetings, have been for 20 years.  There is a guy that comes to the meetings I go to and he has "sorta" become my dinner buddy.  They serve hamburgers and hot dogs at our meetings and a lot of people come early, have dinner and visit before the meeting gets started.  This past weekend one of my friends said he would be a nice "companion" for me.  Is that even possible in this day and age?  He's a nice enough guy but I am not the least bit attracted to him, wouldn't mind hanging out at a ride with him but that's about as far as I would want it to go.  What if he would want it to go further?  How do I tell him I am not interested in anything more than friendship?  What do I say if he asks me out?  Should I go to dinner or a movie with him?  AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!   DO NOT LIKE BEING IN THIS SITUATION!!!

Oh HOORAY!!  I'm back to not being able to sleep.  This really sucks because when I WANT to sleep is when I'm at work and supposed to be putting together some kind of financial report.  When I SHOULD be sleeping my brain is racing thinking about everything from, what am I going to do tomorrow at work or, I wonder why politicians have to be such a**bags!  Sometimes I wake up at 1 or 2 in the morning thinking I hear B stirring around in the bathroom or, in the kitchen making a pot of coffee.  Lately I even smell him, or at least the soap he always used (which hasn't been in the house for over a year now).  I catch myself talking to him more, thinking about him more, aching for him more.  Do you suppose these feelings ever go away? 

I  have a friend who's husband was diagnosed with cancer several years ago.  He is actually cancer free right now but had to go through all the nasty chemo and radiation like my husband did.  I am so happy that he is cancer free and they have more time to be together but, it also makes me very angry.  I know "never question God's motives" and "someday I will have all the answers" also "we will be together one day", etc., etc.  The problem is I want him here with me, by my side, sleeping in our bed, making me laugh, holding hands, riding the scooters together, this list is endless.  There is a new "comedy" on Tuesday nights called "Go On'.  It's about a man who's young wife dies suddenly and his struggle to go on without her.  He gets very angry at everyone and everything and is told by his boss he must join an anger management support group.  The thing that hit me the hardest last night is now he is starting to see his dead wife and talk to her.  I've been talking to B for almost 2 years now, is this what my life will be like from now on?  Walking around the house talking to someone who isn't there?  Will I ever be able to stop talking to him, or aching for his touch, or crying every time I think about something we used to do together........ 

When someone asks you a question like "What do I do?", you generally like to give them an answer.  Even an evasive answer like "Do what your heart is telling you to do.".  But there are some questions that just cannot be answered.  A very dear person in my life keeps asking me the "What do I do?" question and I don't know how to answer.  I have tried the standard answers but none of them seem to be helping.  I pray for this person daily and I pray that I can help them with this struggle, my biggest prayer as that they can just get through with a modicum of sanity.  It's times like these that make my life seem like a fairy tale and perfection and everything bright and beautiful.  I wish I could help, I pray a solution comes fast, I pray for their strength to get through this.  Even though we don't know the reason why this is happening we just have to trust in God and thank Him for getting us this far.....

Had a great weekend up till Sunday afternoon!  I am such an idiot, why do I pick movies that hit me right smack in the head!!!  Saw "Hope Springs", mainly because Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep are 2 of my favorite actors.  What a HUGE mistake, started crying at the beginning of the movie and  had to leave before the lights came up in the theater so no one would see me. The opening scene where she goes to "his" bedroom and tries to get him to invite her to his bed and he rejects her...  hit way too close to home.  My B was on a lot of meds and most of those affected his libido.  After a while I just stopped trying.  WOW am I having a pity party this morning or what???  I'm just tired, too much going on, too many doubts, too many stupid movies, too many sleepless nights, too much stress, not enough time with my B....

Why is it that no matter how much you try, no matter how much you do, no matter how much money and effort you spend some people just don't care.  My children have shut me out of their lives, makes me think they were only around for their dad.  Now that he is gone it isn't necessary to tolerate me.  Just found out last night that not only did my daughter fall and break her ankle she now has to have heart surgery!  Also just found out that my oldest grandchild has moved out of her mother's house and in with her boyfriend!!!  What the hell is going on, what the hell did I do to make these kids hate me so much?  Was trying to raise them with some morals and a sense of responsibility and respect not the right thing to do?  Maybe if I had been a drunk or drug abuser or never fed them or bought them clothes maybe then things would be different.  Maybe if I had been a hoarder or never cleaned the house or cooked or taken them places.  I just find it very difficult to understand...... 

Here we are another day closer to the 2nd anniversary of his death.  I had a dear friend of mine, that lost her husband, tell me the 2nd year is worse than the first, now I understand what she meant.  After all the shock and numbness wears off and the family and friends get back to their normal lives you are left with your thoughts and memories.  The thoughts of total inadequacy, abandonment, anger and that black empty hole in your heart.  Don't get me wrong I am very blessed to have a wonderful network of loving caring friends and family that I speak with on a daily basis.  They are very encouraging and reassuring that the decisions I am making are not ALL wrong. But still...  there is that black empty hole that I fall into at night, when I go to bed, when I reach for his pillow, when I listen for him stirring in the night, when a fleeting thought crosses my mind to check his prescriptions for refill, when the shower head breaks and I have no idea how to fix it, when I cry and need his arms to hold and comfort me.....

Today my beloved B would have been 72 years old.  He was an incredible human being, very perceptive when it came to people and situations.  Stubborn as hell and a little self absorbed but he had the biggest heart and would do just about anything for his family and friends.  He taught me how to respect myself and build and keep a friendship. He didn't hesitate to marry a woman with 2 small children and then proceed to adopt them and give them his family name. (their natural father couldn't have cared less)  He adored his grandchildren and thought the sun rose and sat on his nieces and nephews.  He loved his USMC and made it known that he was a Marine every single chance he got. The last few years of his life, even when the chemo and radiation made him very ill, he complained very little and never ever felt sorry for himself.  One of the last times we went to dinner with friends, I knew he didn't feel like going, but I persuaded him to go anyway.  Someone took our picture that evening and after I saw it the guilt I felt was overwhelming, I never "made" him go anywhere he didn't want to go after that.  When someone says it's hard to put into words how they feel, believe them.  There are no words, written or spoken, that can describe the empty, black, bottomless feeling of grief I have in my soul since he has been gone.  I will forever love him..... 

Let me begin today's blog with this....  To Katie, my beautiful niece, I only have one thing to say to you!  I Love You...  Sometimes the clarity we need in a situation comes from the strangest of places and yesterday that clarity came from my sweet Katie.  Moving on when a spouse passes has got to be one of the most difficult things in the world!  I take that back, I've lost a sibling, both parents, a blessed aunt and a dear, dear friend.  The one thing I have not lost is a child so, saying that losing a spouse is the most difficult thing in the world may not be completely accurate.  All I know is losing my beloved B is one of the longest, hardest journeys I have ever had to take.  The 2nd anniversary of his death will be here in no time and the closer it gets the sadder I get, besides winter is coming and that always makes me depressed. I HATE WINTER!!  Praying for peace always.... 

So much time has gone by since I last blogged....  I really need to get back into doing this again, it kind of gives me a release of pain, frustration and angst when I see my thoughts in print.  In past posts I've stated how I am "changing" things up, learning to "move forward", starting a "new life" etc. etc.  Well, truth is, nothing could be further from the truth.  I miss him more and more by the minute, and it is harder and harder to go to bed without him, eat without him, I can't even force myself to go to Church without him.  I know he would really want me to move on and start living but I just don't want to.  Where am I ever going to find someone like him?  I'm not, there is just no way around it there are no "REAL" men left in the world.  The only way to find someone like him would be to marry one of his brothers.  The only single brother he has left is like my brother so that will never happen...  Here are the words to a new tattoo I'm going to get, just not sure where I'm going to put it, but it sums up exactly how I feel every minute of every day.

"In time, in time they tell me, I'll not feel so bad.
I don't want time to heal me.
There's a reason I'm like this.
I want time to set me ugly and knotted with loss of you, marking me.
I won't smooth you away
I can't say goodbye."

Alone

When I have days like today and yesterday life just seems so unbearable without him.  I miss him so very much, I can't concentrate, I have to constantly fight back tears and now I have to go to another wake for a family member.  I just hope this time I can actually make it into the room without feeling like I'm going to throw up or my heart will leap out of my chest.  All those feelings, sights, smells and sounds come flooding back and all I can think about is how I would have rather gone first than live like this now.  I am certain I know the difference between being alone and lonely...  I am ALONE, and it sucks big time!!

Aches and pains...

Boy is my body sore!!!  The basement is "mostly" painted, the walls are finished but haven't done the chair rail and trim.  Jen and the girls think it looks fine the way it is....  we'll see!  Started the kitchen reno, wasn't going to re-do the back splash but that all changed when the new cabinets didn't quite fit in the old cabinets spots!!  SSSSOOOOO I had my first lesson in tile removal, next I will be honing my drywall skills and then I get to try something new.....  I am praying like crazy that God gets me through this "new" experience!  I am so excited to be changing things around and revamping my life.  This by no means diminishes the ache I still have and the hole in my heart that used to be filled with my beloved "B".  I keep thinking about how he would just work and work until he almost dropped, he would argue with me about colors and ideas but let me have my way and do what I wanted.  I still miss him terribly and the "it'll get better" people don't know what they are talking about.....

Moving forward...

Got 90% of the basement painted, Jen and the girls will be moving in this weekend (so excited) and I will be getting my new kitchen this weekend!!  Will start painting upstairs next week and taking full advantage of my new chair and ottoman!  I'm moving forward, trying not to look back, headed in a new direction!!  My heart still aches for him and I still think of him every second of the day, and I so wish he were still  here.  Life goes on, it sucks, but life goes on....

Life in the house

Well, had a bridal shower for a friend that is getting married and moving to Idaho!!  At one point with the living room filled with laughter and dear friends I almost burst into tears.  It's been a long time since that much laughter and love has been inside those walls, if felt good! Now my niece and her two children will be moving into the basement this next week and the sounds of children will fill the walls again, can't wait!  I even think the house is happy it seems to feel different, lighter, more alive.  Don't get me wrong I will forever remember every place he sat, slept, walked, drank, ate, breathed....  but it's time to get some life back into the house!  I am excited, today the new kitchen cabinets get delivered and one new piece of furniture gets delivered tomorrow.  One day at a time.... thanking God for each day.