Pride

I hate asking for help, it's not in my nature to think that I can't take care of myself!  It was not in "B's" nature either, he would have collapsed and taken a trip to the ER before he would ask for help.  Well here I am in a spot where I HAVE TO ask for help because it is physically impossible for me to do this without it.  Made an appointment at a counselor's office a month or so ago, gonna try and get some tools to help me cope with my feelings and maybe get out of my funk.  Went to the office, the doctor was going to be about 15 minutes late, that was all I needed to use the excuse that I couldn't wait because I was much to important and I had other places to be and etc., etc., etc.  Haven't gone back, haven't called to make another appointment, not going to, gonna try and deal with this funk all by myself.  It's probably a good thing that I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, I would have been dead a long time ago.  My addiction is food and it is killing me slowly....

Curious

Sometimes my imagination runs wild (another reason I can't sleep) and I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd never met "B".  Then I snap myself out of it and come back to reality, this crappy, depressed, left behind feeling comes flooding in again. I know there are a lot of people out there who have lost a spouse.  I mean look at our military losses in the last 5 years alone and all the people that were left alone. Why is this so hard for me?  Is it because I have no self-confidence?  Is it because I'm overweight and all people see is a big blob?  Is it because I am putting out some kind of vibe that says stay away from me?  I wonder also if anyone is reading these any more, probably not.... 

I know part of it is my fault for not posting in such a long time but I was trying to be "normal" again and it just DID NOT work out.  Maybe this feeling of emptiness and loss is my new normal. That makes me even more sad, very sad......

Tired

So tired, ALL the time even after sleeping for 8 hours!  I get up I take a shower I get dressed etc., etc., and I almost fall asleep driving the short 12 miles to work. I almost fall asleep at my computer during the day, I fall asleep during the news in the evening and sometimes I can't even remember what I've watched on TV.  My life is a total crap bowl, I'm depressed, I'm overweight, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box and there is a good possibility that I am about to lose my job....  I miss my husband more than anyone could ever imagine.

No light

Feeling like I am headed down a very long, long dark hallway with no end in sight and no light at the end. Sleep eludes me almost every night now, it used to be a random night here and there but now it's an ongoing occurrence. This feeling of desperation and self loathing has a hold on me and I can't seem to shake it. I have a couple of best friends that I could tell all my secrets to but my fear is if they knew it would drive them away. Where do I go from here.....

Well, it's getting close to another weekend. I do have something to do on Saturday afternoon which is very unusual.  Most weekends are spent sitting in front of the TV sleeping or eating or having a pity party.  I throw the best pity partys, if you are ever going to have one and need some help just hit me up I'll be glad to help out.  I can find a thousand reasons why my life sucks and why everyone should feel sorry for me, the problem is.... it's all a bunch of hooey.  My life isn't perfect but there are parts of it that are amazing.  I have a great job, that I love.  I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and I can take a bath or shower anytime i feel the need.  It's obvious that I have enough food, just take a look at the size of  my derriere!!  I really need to get to a doctor, I am typing this with tears streaming down my face and I don't even know why I'm crying. Maybe because I know what's wrong with me and why I overeat and beat myself up all the time but I just can't do anything about it. Before I lost Bern and I started feeling like this I could always go home and put my arms around him and he would always say just the right thing to bring me out of my funk.  I don't have that anymore and I certainly don't have the skills (or meds) to pull myself up! I am really a very damaged person and he was the only one who knew ALL and I do mean ALL of the bad stuff about me and still loved me..... 

Well, it has been a long, long time since I posted anything on this blog page.  I have been very busy hoping that would help with my depression but it hasn't.  Sometimes it seems like the more I do, the more I eat, the more I eat, the more depressed I become, the more depressed I become the more I do.....  do you see where I'm going with this? It is coming up on the 3 year anniversary of my beloved B's death and in those 3 years I have put my house on the market and taken it off the market. My Niece and her children have since moved in with me, not for the faint of heart. I totally remodeled the entire house, the way I always envisioned it. And, just recently my house was hit by a tornado with some pretty severe damage. I tried on-line dating, HUGE mistake and will NEVER do it again. I know this sounds a little desperate or like I'm crying out for help but sometimes I think if I could just die and be with him again all of this crap would stop. I would never take my own life that is the most selfish thing a person can do and I'm not selfish at all. Then when one of my friends tells me I am a strong person and God only gives you what you can handle I just want to scream at them or punch them right in the throat. I'm not strong, look at me, I'm 100 pounds overweight, I'm in debt and just keep spending. Tried going to therapy and felt like a complete fool sitting in the waiting room so I made up an excuse for why I had to leave and haven't booked another appointment yet. I know a couple of other women that  have lost their husbands and they don't seem to be in the shape I'm in, in fact they seem to be coping very well.  What the hell is my problem?!?!?!

So here's the situation today....  I ride an HD motorcycle, when B was alive we rode together all the time.  We've done some amazing trips together, trips I will NEVER forget, more fun than the law allows.  I go to regular Harley Owner's Group meetings, have been for 20 years.  There is a guy that comes to the meetings I go to and he has "sorta" become my dinner buddy.  They serve hamburgers and hot dogs at our meetings and a lot of people come early, have dinner and visit before the meeting gets started.  This past weekend one of my friends said he would be a nice "companion" for me.  Is that even possible in this day and age?  He's a nice enough guy but I am not the least bit attracted to him, wouldn't mind hanging out at a ride with him but that's about as far as I would want it to go.  What if he would want it to go further?  How do I tell him I am not interested in anything more than friendship?  What do I say if he asks me out?  Should I go to dinner or a movie with him?  AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!   DO NOT LIKE BEING IN THIS SITUATION!!!