Sad

Can't seem to shake this sadness, had a good time at the family retirement party this past weekend, went for a nice ride with one of my best friends on Sunday, but just can't seem to get rid of these blues. Could it possibly be time for some medication?? I hate the thought of taking a pill everyday but it may come down to that. I can't concentrate at work, not sleeping well, eating like there's no tomorrow, I guess I need some help. MAN that is really hard to admit, for anyone, about anything, maybe I need to get my butt off the couch on Sundays and get back to church, that might help a little. I might need a serious vacation away from work, friends, family.... everything. Just go somewhere and sleep, maybe I could sleep the sadness away. I've tried eating it away and that doesn't help, I've been angry, worried, anxious and none of those seem to help get rid of the sadness, maybe I just need to be alone....

Making Changes

I know I've said it before but I'm saying it again... THIS SUCKS!! The closer it gets to the anniversary of his passing the more my stomach churns! The only thing that has become easier is making some critical decisions. I was waffling about the house not knowing what to do but that is settled. It is back on the market and it's gone ASAP, I just don't need all that room. Why do I need 3 bathrooms, a living room AND a family room. And I certainly DO NOT NEED 5 bedrooms!!! Have also made the decision to stop worrying about my children, I can't change them nor can I help them any longer. They are adults and the decisions they make impact their lives more than they impact mine. I will continue to pray for them because that's what Mom's do but if they do something I think is stupid then so be it! And the biggest decision of all, and this is going to be the hardest one to stick to, I WILL start to think of myself first and everyone and everything else second. PHEW!! That is the decision that I'm sure I will continue to struggle with, but after taking care of someone since I was 13 years old, well frankly that's long enough. My brothers that I helped raise are grown, my Mother has passed, my sister and my aunt have passed and my beloved Marine has passed. My Grandchildren are smart and are already proving they will grow up to be independent and successful, the only person left is me....

Sob sob sob sob

Really feeling depressed again today! Sunday the 16th will mark 11 months since he passed! This time has gone by so fast and my life has been an up and down freak show most of that time... still can't make a decision on the house and sometimes I feel like if I don't do something I will seriously just pack my car and leave. I don't think anyone really, really realizes how very much I loved him or how our lives were completely intertwined. I didn't make a move without him, I didn't make any decisions without talking to him first, hell sometimes I didn't even buy clothes without talking to him first. I know his family misses him too, he was a bigger than life kind of guy to them. His sister said that he made everyone feel like they were the most special, and he had an uncanny knack for doing just that. I'm sad, winter is coming and that makes me sad, I just want to cry all the time lately, songs, commercials everything..... sad.

Weekend

WWEEELLLL!!!! This past weekend was the first BIG family outing I've attended since I lost my love! It was really kind of nice, I really enjoyed seeing everyone and catching up on all the things I've missed in the last several months. The wedding was beautiful and very hard at the same time, I was so happy for the kids but so sad because I couldn't share those feelings you always get with my love. It was also very enlightening toward the end of the evening, you know when everyone has had way to much to drink and they start talking, apparently most everyone in the family thinks I sold his bike for WAY TOO LITTLE money! How do these rumors start? The only people that know what I got are me and the guy that made the deal!! I don't go around telling all my financial information to folks, nor do I want anyone to know my business. I also found out that most of the family don't agree with ANY of the decisions I've made in the past year. But as one, very inebriated, nephew said to me they haven't walked a mile in my shoes. No one knows the countless sleepless nights I've had, or the number of times I've thrown up, or the times I've cried so hard that my eyes swelled shut, or the crushing pain I feel in my chest when I think about him... Here's what I think I'm gonna do; when he was ill and folks would ask me how he was doing I would always just say "It is what it is!" Because, after being in this situation you learn that people are just trying to be polite in asking after him, they really don't want me to tell them all the details so you just smile and say what they want to hear!! So I'm going back to that..... My life "is what it is", it's not going to get any better because he isn't here any longer, I am never going to make everyone happy, and sooner or later I will do something or say something that will piss people off so, I am going to start living for me and make decision that affect me and if someone doesn't like it or thinks I should do something else then Oh Well, it is what it is!!!

Big

It's the weekend and there are two big family events happening. There is a wedding today, one of his favorite nephews, so exciting! He had his favorites and I know who they are but he tried really hard to make them all feel like they were his favorite! The thing is, even now, I question just how much of a favorite was I?!?!? I've heard from friends and some of his family how much he used to tell THEM how much he loved me.... but he never told me! I think he was afraid it might make him seem vulnerable or weak, it's easy to tell a niece or nephew how much you love them because they can't hurt you like a spouse can hurt you. I adored him and I told him on almost a daily basis, even through the rough times when we almost called it quits, I always loved him. I knew how much I loved him after only a few dates, I don't know if he felt it, but I know I did. I just wanted to be with him all the time, I thought about him constantly, I couldn't wait to see him again. I can remember starting to think about the next time we would see each other the minute he left my house. I call that "big love", the kind of love you feel for your children and grandchildren, the kind of love that consumes you, the kind of love that makes you hate going to sleep because that is 6-8 hours you won't be awake with them...... and now he's gone.

Big

Events

Ssssoooo..... went to a family event last weekend and there are 2 coming up this next weekend, then another 2 or 3 in November then we are into the holidays!! It was really great seeing how all the kids have grown and it seemed like just yesterday that I talked to my sisters-in-law. I really do love his family, they didn't always accept me and I'm sure when we first started dating they certainly didn't approve of me!! One sister-in-law used to remind me every year on our anniversary that I only had a few years left because he never kept a woman longer than 7 years!! BOY was I ever happy when we hit our 8th anniversary.... it was all down hill after that, they started accepting that I was in it for the long haul!! I miss him so much that I can actually feel the ache inside my chest when I think of him, but I am very grateful and blessed to have the friends I have and the family I married into.