Missing him

I gotta stop watching any kind of program that has anything to do with love, marriage, happy couples, romance, surprises or anything that has to do with happy couples. When these programs come on (sometimes it can be a commercial) the tears start flowing and I can't get them to stop. I thought that these feelings would start to ease after a little bit, no they are just getting stronger. I get home from work and I shut the garage and close the blinds and don't even open the front door to let the light in. All I want to do is sit on the couch and sulk or pout and I'm not sure how to bring myself out of it, I tell myself on the way home, I'm going to walk the dog and get out of the house..... but it doesn't seem to happen. I start to get the dog collar out and grab the dog then I stop, change my clothes and hit the couch. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just pack everything up put it in the truck and just head west!!! Let the bank have the damn house, let his family come in and take whatever the hell they want, give the rest of it to the kids or donate it somewhere. I keep praying for a little peace and I know God is listening because he always listens when you pray, the one thing that just drives me crazy is it all happens in His time not mine..... vicki lee

HELP!!!

I really want to sell the house and start over.... problem; I can't get motivated to start packing things up. I don't know if to start in the living room or the basement or the bedroom! The main problem is once I get started I will eventually end up in his closet and his dresser and his bathroom. I don't know if I am ready to start going through his stuff, I'm afraid it will be WWAAAYYY to emotional. Lately I have been really emotional and going through his stuff might push me over the deep end. There is so much stuff to go through, so many memories, and I'm sure it will be very hard to look at his stuff and have to decide what to do with it. Where do I start..... vicki lee

I'm outta here...

So, not really looking forward to it but I'm selling the house and buying a villa. This is just the beginning steps of the whole process but my son made the decision one step easier for me this morning. I would really like to stop sharing a bathroom with him but I don't want to use the hall bath, that should be kept clean for company. So the back bathroom is okay for me I used it for years when my husband and I shared it as our master bath, but when my beloved husband changed the sink faucet he hooked it up backwards. I asked my son to fix it this morning and he threw a fit and just came out of the bathroom and announced "it can't be fixed without longer connectors, Dad told you that a long time ago." HHHMMMM strange he would say that when I JUST had a handyman service here and they said it could be done with no extra connectors, I just don't want to spend the money right now. Besides he is living here for free he should be happy to help out and do what needs to be done, just saying! I'm outta here as soon as I can get things lined out, sold and bought.... vicki lee

What I miss....

When you lose someone that you've spent the last 30 years with you experience emotions you didn't know existed. And you miss things, little things, simple things, things you don't think about until you need help doing them. Like, remembering when the trash has to go out or making plans for the weekend. One of the things I miss the most... having someone to put lotion on my back, with it being winter and being "older" my skin drys out quickly. I could always go to him just before going to bed and he would rub my favorite lotion on my back. Now the lotion bottle hasn't been touched, I don't think I even care if my skin is soft or flaky and dried out, the only thing that makes me think about it now is, it itches. I wish there were a pill you could take to make your skin stop itching, I would take it. Every time my back itches it just reminds me AGAIN that he is gone and I'll never feel his hands on my skin again. I'll never kiss his lips, or be able to whisper in his ear, or have him sing off key to me when we are slow dancing. Come to think of it I will never dance with him again. It's the little things I miss..... vicki lee

HUH?!?!?

Went for my first long ride on "Pearl" this past Sunday. I rode to church and was surprised to see his sister and her husband and grand daughter there. (they kinda stopped coming to early mass) After mass I asked if she would like to see the new bike, and she said sure. So while we are walking across the parking lot she says "If you ever decide to sell his vest I will buy that no matter how much." HUH?!?!? I would never sell something so personal and sentimental. Does she think I am just selling his stuff left and right to get rid of him? Does anyone else in his family think that? Have they already started tearing me down at family outings? I did miss a family bridal shower, did they start there? And as we were looking at the bike she must have said 10 times "I wish I could have bought Bernie's bike, I sure wish you hadn't sold it". Do they REALLY think that he is in those "things"?? He is still so much a part of my life, I always think about what he would say or do before I make a move... The only decision I made on my own was the bike purchase and I'm sure if he were here he would have agreed with me that it was a good deal. Does anyone really know how hard it is for me to go on, to make any decisions, to sleep in our bed, to look in his closet, to even look in the cupboards where "our" favorite cereal bowls are, to glance at one of his pictures on the mantle, to do laundry without his clothes in there.... this list is infinite. Should I just go to his family and tell them? Do I really need to prove anything to anyone...... vicki lee

GUILT

So tomorrow they are supposed to deliver my "new" bike! I am excited but at the same time I am feeling the most horrible guilt! Is it too soon, should I have just kept his bike in the garage, covered up? Will I actually have fun riding this year (if I go anywhere at all) or should I still be staying at home doing nothing? MAN!! This is one of those questions that I wonder if every new widow asks herself. How long before you start to "get on" with things... is 4 months a respectable amount of time before you do things, is it 6 months, is it 2 years? The main reason I moved so quickly on this purchase is 1) it was a great deal 2) it's my dream bike 3) who knows how long before another deal like this will come along 4) I was angry at him (again) for leaving me with all the crap he left..... I HATE this, cancer SUCKS, being a widow is HORRIBLE, sleeping alone, eating alone, walking alone, future planning alone..... vicki lee

4 Months

Well it's been 4 months now.... 4 months of hell - 4 months of crappy sleep - 4 months of eating too much or not enough - 4 months of being angry then not angry - 4 months of wondering - 4 months of discovery - 4 months of learning - 4 months of agony - 4 months of missing him - 4 months of feeling abandoned - 4 months of utter loneliness - 4 months of "So, how you doin?" - 4 months of decisions - 4 months of counting the days..... vicki lee

Hhhhmmmm!!

So I did it, I made my first major decision as an individual! No consulting, no arguing, no what ifs, just me - myself - and I.... I have had a number of friends tell me "good for you" and "congratulations", but I haven't heard a word from his family!! Do they think I am being unfaithful by not keeping his things? I would love to hear that they approve of me going forward with my life, starting to live, coming out of my funk..... vicki lee

Surrender

So my weekend started out great with a Saturday get together with my girls!! Went to church on Sunday like always, thought I would get away without seeing any of his family (they have all changed their regular church schedules since he passed) but all of a sudden here's his sister and her husband!! All of these emotions started flaring up inside me, wait you're in church keep yourself in check, I just wanted to blurt stuff out.... why haven't you invited me over for coffee since he passed, why are you embracing all the in-laws he had no respect for, did you know he took my name off of everything??? Now I have to think up a really good excuse as to why I'm not going to the bridal shower today, don't want to lie but I can't be around these people. They all think he was such a wonderful guy, and in ways he was and, I can't help myself, I still ache because he's gone but holy hell, he left with an enormous mess to clean up!! I would have never done that to him, I wouldn't have taken his name off of anything we were supposed to own "jointly" as in married couple as in life partners as in spouse. I'm tired, I don't want to deal with any of this anymore, I just want to surrender, get in my car and drive far, far away and never look back.... vicki lee

So tired

Well, the lawyer says shame on the bank and mortgage company and let them get the money out of a deceased person!!! Yeah right, like they aren't going to come and repossess the house right out from under me if I stop making payments. I am just so tired, I need to get motivated and start packing some stuff up, get a for sale sign, make up some fliers, put the house on craigslist, maybe talk to a real estate agent.... but I am so tired, just feel drained all the time. Having trouble sleeping again, thought about getting a second job but I don't know!! In case I haven't said this lately THIS SUCKS..... vicki lee

Big Day

Well, tomorrow is the big day!! Headed to the lawyer's office to see if I truly own the house or not! I'm thinking if I don't I am moving to a small apartment and let the SOB go back to the bank! My credit is destroyed and he isn't here so what difference does it make what his is. I am so deflated right now that I don't even care if I take a shower. I sit down in front of the mirror in the morning to put on makeup for work and just sit there looking into the mirror and saying 'why even bother'. I know, I know go to counseling... easier said than done! Can't afford the gas for the truck to make an extra trip every week, hell I can't even afford to pay attention! This really sucks..... vicki lee