Grief...

This thing called "grief" is a funny thing. One minute I am thinking about all the fun and good times we had together and smiling and feeling calm and "together". The next minute I am so mad at him I could just scream, I start crying and throwing things around the house, jumping down people's throats and feeling like my life is completely out of control. I pray all the time to find some peace and for help to keep from falling apart at the slightest mention of his name or making financial decisions or life decisions. When you are two people there is always someone to bounce things off of and making decisions becomes easier and you get more perspective when someone else agrees with you or suggests other things. But alone... I feel like I'm just drifting in the middle of an emotional ocean, bobbing up and down with the waves, rolling from side to side and always watching for sharks! I'm not sleeping AGAIN!! There is a good thing about not sleeping, I've almost finished reading one book and have started another. I get these power surges when I'm not sleeping, I've cleaned the whole house, cleaned out some stuff that has been sitting in a bag since the funeral, cleaned the inside of the truck and if the weather was nicer I would have washed the truck, got my hair cut this morning, started packing for next weekend, did laundry, cleaned up after the dog..... grief sucks!

How long

How long am I going to have these fits?!?!?!? Got really pissed at him last night and threw all the pillows I had piled on his side of the bed on the floor. I'm sure the dog thought I had lost my mind, he kept running back and forth every time I picked up a pillow and threw it. Then it took me over an hour to go to sleep, then I was up and down all night, tossed and turned, had nightmares, woke up at least 3 times.... then got really pissed at him all over again because the alarm went off and I had to get up!! Hate having days off, yesterday all I did was look at pictures of him and think about what he would be doing right now if he were still here. I know his family misses him but sometimes I just want to scream when they put stuff on FB about how much they miss him!! They have absolutely no idea how hard it is to live in the house and go on day after day with him gone. They might miss him but I'm lost without him, I've lost my best friend, lover, companion, partner, confidante.... this list could go on for days! They have lost an uncle (with several others left to take his place) or a brother (again several others to fill the void) a cousin (too many to count) I've lost half of myself, the better half of myself, the half that kept me going when I was exhausted, the half that knew just how to make me laugh when I didn't want to, the half that I counted on when I was sad, the half that held me up when I was feeling attacked by the world, my dance partner, my drinkin buddy, my riding buddy...... vicki lee

60 Days

Everyone always talks about how time flies... It has been 60 days, since he left this earth. Went to the cemetery today and couldn't find him (his headstone isn't in yet) thought I would explode. I just kept walking up and down the rows of graves trying to figure out where the ground felt a little higher than everywhere else. Couldn't find him so I sat in the truck and cried and yelled for about 10 minutes, then just drove around for an hour or so. I just feel so lost without him sometimes, like I don't belong anywhere. I go out for dinner with friends, although it is really nice to share with them, it is really hard to be the only single person in the group. Went to a family (his) function and felt REALLY out of place, just kept thinking about how much he would have enjoyed watching all the kids do karaoke and dance, then in church this morning when they called the kids up to go have bible study, I remembered how very much he loved seeing all the little kids. Not sure what I'm going to do about the truck or the bikes, do I sell them or keep them, do I just ride mine this coming season or do I try and have his modified. I'm scared to ding his truck I'm probably going to feel the same way about the bike!! Not sure if I will ever get over this.... vicki lee

Straight Talk

I know that I'm not supposed to make any decision for a year but I feel like I'm backed in a corner! I'm struggling to get a handle on this anger, but I still feel the need to not give myself any value. I was talking to my boss (sometimes she is a good sounding board) and telling her I was going to sell his truck. I can't park the darn thing and it is killing me to keep gas in it. I made an offer to my brother-in-law but I was thinking about giving him a deal and asking far less than what the truck it is worth. "WHAT!!" she said, "Why would you do that, you need to look in the mirror and ask who is giving you a deal?" She's right, I have things that need to be paid for, I want to be debt free and, if I'm going to stay in the house, I am going to need to get myself set up so I can pay for repairs. Sometimes I just need someone to give it to me straight, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but sometimes I need to be told that I have worth.... vicki lee

Friends

They say if you can count your TRUE friends on one hand you are doing really good in life. Well I must be doing incredibly well... I have a group of friends that are always there for me and going through this grieving thing right along with me. I know that if I need anything I have at least a dozen numbers in my cell phone that I can call and ask them for almost anything and they will come through for me. I just hope and pray that this depression/anger/crazy period in my life doesn't send them screaming and running through the streets shouting "Please don't let her call me or come near me again." I am truly blessed...... vicki lee

HHHHEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!

I have become a raving lunatic.... I scream at people when I'm driving, i bite my son's head off, I've called perfect strangers SOB, thrown a temper tantrum in the middle of a store. I thought I would start feeling like I have a little bit of control over things now that I'm "running the show" so to speak. I feel like I am spiraling OUT of control, I need to do something to keep myself occupied. Going to try an exercise class tonight, thinking about taking some classes at the community college, maybe get a second job in the evenings, anything that keeps me from sitting around and thinking about him and the life we USED to have! I have to keep reminding myself I am no longer a we, an us, a couple.... vicki lee

Holidays

So I've made it through the "holidays" without him. Standing around watching other couples kiss on New Year's Eve was really, really hard. I can remember him and I would start looking for each other around 11:45 pm to make sure we were the first person we kissed and hugged at midnight. And one of his "traditions" was to eat pickled Herring at 12:05am. MAN!! That is the nastiest tasting stuff in the whole world but he insisted it brought us good fortune for the new year so I ate it, year after year after year. Well, this year I didn't eat any so we will see what happens, if I have a terrible year (can't imagine it being any worse than the one I just went through) I will start eating that crap every year!! My heart breaks every time I think of him, every time I look at a picture, every time someone says remember when.... will I ever be "normal" again!! vicki lee