Yellow Roses

Haven't posted in a couple of days, been really busy, took a 2 day computer class and was too tired to get on the computer afterwards. So yesterday when I got home he was awake and dressed and watching the news! I reminded him that his niece was coming over with dinner (she started doing this on Thursdays a few weeks ago so she could spend some time with him every week, sweet girl). Said he remembered and was looking forward to seeing her, then he says "Did you like the flowers I sent you?" Whaa??? "I sent you flowers today to your office, did you like them?" Honey I wasn't in my office today I was in a computer class besides, you didn't really send me flowers, you never send me flowers, you haven't sent me flowers for years, you always said they were too expensive, I haven't gotten flowers since our 25th wedding anniversary which was 4 years ago!! "I'm telling you I sent you flowers to your office today, I just forgot you weren't going to be there." Right, we'll see tomorrow, it's okay if you didn't and you thought you did, it was sweet of you to think about me. So this morning when I walked into my office, there on my desk, sits a vase, with 12 of the most beautiful yellow roses I've seen in a long, long time!! The card simply reads "I Love You" ! Makes all my sleepless nights and exhaustion seem a little easier to cope with..... vicki lee

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

He's had no pain meds all day so I ask how's his pain level and he says he is a little uncomfortable so he takes 1/2 of a pain pill. He sits down in the recliner and within 10 minutes he is sound asleep, such is my life!! After about 2 -1/2 hours he wakes up and wants to know where the saucer is he had on his lap. There was no saucer on your lap it was the cat and she just now jumped down. "Vic, where is the saucer that was just here on my leg?" There was no saucer, "Yes there was, where is the cake and ice cream that you were just eating?" HUH!?!?! I didn't have any cake or ice cream, there isn't any of either one in the whole house! "Fine, if you don't want to share that's fine." So now he is pissed because he thinks I'm eating cake and ice cream while he is asleep. So he goes back to sleep and about an hour later he is awake and wanting to know when I'm going to give him his wallet back. I haven't had your wallet in almost a month, "Yes you do have it and I want it back!" Bernie it's in the back bedroom on the dresser, go see for yourself, "Don't think I won't go and check..." I don't give a rat's ass if you go check!! Now it's 9pm time for his evening meds. Bern do you want to take anymore pain pills before you go to bed? "I don't know, what do you think?" I think they make you have weird dreams and I wish you wouldn't take them anymore. "Fine, if you are going to be a bitch about it and just keep bitching at me then I won't take anymore, I'll just be in pain all the time!" Someone tell me quick, is this all a part of the process, is this ever going to end, will I ever get to sleep, how much longer am I going to be a bitch, what is the prison sentence in this state for justifiable homicide?? vicki lee

I Give Up!!

WTF!!! He obsesses' over the pain pills then when we talk about going off of them or modifying how many and when he takes them he just says, 'I'm not in pain I don't need them'!!! He hasn't been to sleep longer than 1-1/2 hours for almost 24 hours now, and neither have I (again). I'm just so tired.... tired from no sleep, tired of him being sick, tired of doctors and hospitals, tired of his family not trusting me, tired of him being depressed. I'm so tired and focused on him that I actually forgot my middle grandchild's birthday! Now how damn sad is that, my life wasn't supposed to be like this, we were supposed to be set for money, travel more, spend more time with the grand babies, go to more motorcycle rallies. CANCER SUCKS!!! vicki lee

Giving up

He is just giving up!!! He won't even try to get out of the damn recliner, won't go for a walk, won't do his physical therapy exercises, won't fix anything to eat for himself!! I am so angry at him, I can't believe that he is giving up.... I know he's tired of fighting and I know he's still having some pain issues but damn, get off your butt and fight this damn thing! Do I want him to fight for himself or for me? What the hell do I tell his brothers, if I tell them about him not wanting to do anything it's just going to be me being the nagging bitch. I can just hear them now, well maybe it's okay to just let him rest!! Get off your ass and fight I'm not ready to let you go and give up.... vicki lee

It's time

2:30 am, he's up, dressed, coat out of the closet and sitting in his recliner ready to go. The lights in the hall, both bathrooms and kitchen are on, no wonder I can't sleep!! Bernie why are you up it's only 2:30 in the morning? "Oh it is? I thought it was time to go. I guess I can go back to sleep." GREAT!!! Now if only I can go back to sleep. Now it's 4:20 and he has turned all the lights back on again, I gave him his 4am pain pill why is he up?? Bernie, I need to get some sleep please don't turn the lights on again. Now his kidney levels are off again, just hope we aren't looking at renal failure and dialysis... wouldn't that be just lovely! vicki lee

Out of the house

Well, I got him out of the house yesterday!! We went to his brother's for dinner, with a bunch of other family members. It was nice, sat out on their deck, had great food and he actually stayed awake and participated in the conversation. His brother's are still trying to set up a weekend to go to the lake, certainly wish that would happen sooner than later, I could use a weekend alone and away from the nurse duties. He looks more frail every day, his weight goes up and down every week. Really tired can't even think of anything to share right now, maybe there will be more tomorrow..... vicki lee

W A K E U P

I cannot keep going on no sleep!! He sleeps all day and denies it when I call him during the day, then in the evening when we are watching TV he sleeps constantly, I am forever forcing him to wake up. When it's time to go to bed he is wide awake, he is up and down all night, has coughing fits, goes to the bathroom and turns on every light he can.... if he's awake, I'm awake!! Unlike him I cannot sleep during the day or in the evening while the TV is on. AND you would think that with all this damn stress and exhaustion going on I would be losing weight!! HELL NO, I gained 2 pounds in a week, I can't win for losing! It is what it is.... vicki lee

Doing enough

Well it was suggested that I drive my car more often to "keep the miles down" on both vehicles, then there was a comment about not enough clean clothes, then another comment about the cotton shirts that need to be ironed that he "would like to wear"!! I guess getting up at 4am to give him pain medication isn't enough. I haven't ridden my bike in over a month, haven't had a glass of wine in over 3 months, haven't even been able to take a nice long hot bath.... my evenings are cut out for me now, ironing, laundry, cleaning up. I know, I know, every other wife in America is doing these things as well, but don't they get a break now and again, don't they get to enjoy something now and again, don't they get to take a nap now and again??? Okay Vicki, quit your whining and just do your damn job! vicki lee

On the phone

Anyone who is in my inner circle knows how much I hate talking on the phone. It is a big part of my job and after being on the phone most of the day at work I don't want to be bothered with it at night or on my own time. I will email and IM until my fingers fall off but not the phone. NOW I have to call him at least 4-5 times a day to make sure he has eaten, taken meds, still breathing, not sleeping all day, doing his exercises, did anyone call, did the nurse come by, did they bring your lunch..... the only reason I call him during the day to find out this stuff is because by the time I get home he doesn't remember what has happened throughout the day. I also said something about weening him off of the pain meds now that the radiation is helping with the pain in his shoulder and back and he almost had a coronary!! Let's not start that just yet, let's wait and see.... this coming from the man who tells everyone he doesn't take a lot of pain medication!! vicki lee

Weekends

It's 7:30am on a beautiful Saturday morning... I am longing to jump on my scooter and go for a ride, maybe go to Hesterberg's cafe for breakfast then a nice leisurely ride back home or stop by the shop and see what's new!! But no, I am filling pill boxes and counting how many doses are left before I re-order, making sure his "easy" shirts and his Levi's (the only ones that fit anymore) are clean. I will scrub the kitchen floor and the bathrooms, change bedsheets, do laundry, dust and run the vacuum, all thinking about maybe jumping on the scooter tomorrow!

It's 7:30am on a beautiful Sunday morning... I am longing to jump on my scooter and go for a ride, maybe go to......... forget it, I want to go and I probably could because all he's going to do today is sleep in the recliner but that damn Catholic guilt creeps in and makes me keep my big fat butt sitting on the couch channel surfing and jumping on and off the computer!!

It's 7:30am on a beautiful Monday morning... I am at work, re-reading all the material for my conference call this morning longing to jump on my scooter and go for a leisurely ride..... vicki lee

Get up

Now that I'm getting up at 4am to give him a pain pill I'm thinking I might as well stay up..... I could check my email, get a load of laundry done, clean the kitchen, make a pot of coffee! I'm wondering what I would look and feel like around 1pm in the afternoon, would I crash and burn or would I just keep running on adrenalin like I'm doing now? Sometimes I think there aren't enough hours in the day, my house is a mess, my car is filthy and my scooter hasn't moved an inch in I don't know how long. Here's a good question for you, do I leave him at home alone on Sunday and go for a ride? WOW!! What kind of hot mess would that be dealing with his family once they found out what I did!! And how much fun would I have between the guilt and thinking about him and calling every hour to check in? I sure could use a few hours with my knees in the breeze but is it worth it? Who knows..... vicki lee

Our life

Our life has come down to a series of pills, radiation and chemotherapy. He has made the final decision to sell his bike and use the money to buy a camper. I'm all for whatever he wants to do, thing is this, what am I going to do with the camper once he is gone? It will be on his sister's property at Mark Twain Lake, they won't want me hanging around once he's gone. And I don't know if I will be comfortable being there without him! I love going up there and it would be a great get away for me when I need it but I don't know about being around his family, I mean what if I want to bring a girlfriend or two with me, or if just want to be alone for a few days??? MAN, I really don't like making all these decisions, if it were just me it would be easy but there are so many other people and factors to take into consideration! I've even been thinking about starting to sell furniture and paying off bills so I don't have any debt after he's gone! I talked to the nurse yesterday and the oncologists notes say even with starting the chemo he probably only has about a year left, and that depends on how his kidney function is, if his numbers go down then they will take him off the chemo AGAIN! When they do that his survival rate drops, then when his kidney function is better he goes back on the chemo, and this treatment is the last treatment they will be able to put him on, he has run the gamut of drugs he can take. CANCER SUCKS!! vicki lee

Not gonna stop

This morning he had an appointment with his oncologist, the cancer has spread to his collar bone on the left side and it is fractured, doctor said he could have done it simply by turning over in bed. They will start radiation on that area as early as tomorrow to alleviate the pain and stop the spread of the disease. We were supposed to see the radiation oncologist this morning as well but she is always late and I couldn't wait any longer so he will most likely see her tomorrow. He started his IV chemo again this morning and will have those treatments every other week. When we got home and while I was fixing his breakfast I asked if he'd heard what the doctor had said about how he broke his collar bone, "No, what exactly did he say?". You could have broken it simply by turning over in bed.... "This isn't going to stop is it?", no babe it isn't. I want him to continue to fight because the thought of losing him makes me want to throw up, but it must be hell on him, constant pain, tests, doctors, radiation, chemo, exhaustion, lack of appetite, depression the list goes on and on..... vicki lee